Reclaiming My Place

This week has been rough.

On Thursday I slipped into a momentary depression encouraged by the three-month anniversary of M's removal, extreme exhaustion, and finding out we aren't the ones who get to adopt M. All of this is to be expected, right? But when it all hit at the same time I found myself at an extreme low. All I could do was look up for help.

And, you know what? The Lord knows when we need help even if we don't ask for it. One of my sweet sister-in-laws reminded me that Satan fills our hearts and minds with lies to discourage us from being obedient to God's will. This is something I've known for a long time, but somehow I had started believing the lies and allowed them to start affecting my confidence. Then things from my past - things I've repented of - started showing up in my memory in the weirdest ways. These are things I've considered "conquered" for years, yet they crept back in. So I thought, "How on earth am I back here?"

The answer was in believing the lies: That God doesn't love me, that I'll never be worthy of his affection, that my mistakes have disqualified me from doing anything good, etc. Once I opened that door, the damaging thoughts from my past rushed in to take control of my heart. The Holy Spirit reminded me that I am a child of the King who doesn't bow to the schemes of Satan. He brought to my attention some loose ends that needed knots, so we took care of that together. And now I'm recovering, but it'll probably take a few days before the toil on my heart is completely gone. Yet something that happened on Friday reminded me of God's constant presence even in the midst of personal struggle.

I had the chance to briefly meet and encounter our foster baby's relatives at her family visit. The Lord was so gracious to give me a compassionate and loving spirit even though the last thing I wanted to do was meet them while dealing with my own issues. Yet when I saw the grandmother's tears while saying goodbye to the baby, I realized my healing was partly to be found in comforting her. God whispered, "You need to hug her. Both of you need this assurance." In that moment I didn't care about my own junk - Christ took over and the love of a Savior poured out through my outstretched arms. You see, he used me even though I was in a messed-up, pitiful state to love on someone else who was hurting. And you know what? It changed my entire perspective.

While driving home God lovingly impressed on my heart that he has allowed pain in my life to teach me how to love others the way he loves them. To see things with an eternal perspective instead of an earthly perspective. To show me that experiencing pain is the most powerful connector to Christ and to others.

I don't know why he wants to use me, and I don't know why he continues to choose me, but I'm reclaiming my place. Don't fear the mess, friend, because it is in the mess that God is strongest and lives are changed.

The Hope Room

Today I anxiously drove our new foster baby, Baby S, to her family visit. I've only visited the exterior of the family services building, so I didn't know what was in store. Would I inadvertently meet her family? Would other biological parents in the waiting room look toward me with anger? Would I be able to handle whatever happened?

I carried her through the entrance door and found a medium-sized room that was almost full of people waiting. After anxiously signing in, I found one of the few empty chairs and sat with Baby S. My heart was racing, and as I dared to look around me, the Spirit said, "Don't fear this room. Pay attention and see what I want you to learn." And in an instant a peace that can only come from the Lord drowned my heart with compassion.

A friendly worker sitting next to me carried on a conversation and swooned over sweet Baby S. Then another woman commented how beautiful S was and asked if I was her mother. When I responded as S's foster mother, the woman smiled endearingly. Then I noticed a couple sitting across the room who seemed sorrowful and anxious. I wondered, "What is their story?" Just keep paying attention, He said. Then two women who could have very well been Baby S's relatives entered and I caught a stare from the elder. I cautiously smiled and turned my attention back to S only for the women to sit next to me. The younger woman couldn't resist speaking to S, but it wasn't until she asked me the baby's name that I realized she wasn't S's mother. Yet through speaking with the woman, and noticing the new baby dress she held fondly in her lap, she did have a baby daughter similar in age. Soon after three small children came in and excitedly hugged the couple sitting across the room and I realized they were biological parents waiting for their children to arrive for a family visit. And five minutes later three more children came in and also hugged and kissed them. This couple had their six children removed from their home. Yet, by viewing their loving reunion, I felt hope - not only for their specific situation, but for the whole system.

This isn't a room to be feared, but a room of hope.

I didn't feel any spiritual hindrances in that room, nor did I feel hatred or condemnation. But I did feel the overwhelming presence of God. No situation is beyond reconciliation, Leah. The Lord pushed this experience on me, and I'm grateful he continues to stretch my comfort zone because as I witness broken hearts I witness an even greater display of his grace. It's not that being a foster parent isn't messy, but it's the mess that is opening my eyes. It's the mess that is showing me the very heart of God.

And I say that with such great conviction! For so long I have fought against the mess and fought against what makes me uncomfortable. I've sought convenience and prideful ambitions over effort and sacrifice. And I know I've only begun to taste what the Lord has in store when it comes to sacrifice. Almost everyone we talk to responds, "I could never give the children back - it would be too hard." Yes, it is hard, friend. Gut-wrenching, pain-wrecking, tear-inducing hard. But with great sacrifice comes great reward. There is no end in sight for our family when it comes to adopting a baby girl, yet that is what we are called to do. We will continue moving forward and trusting the Lord to reveal his special plan for our future daughter. And we will be able to look back at everything else and see his hand working for his providential purposes.

So, I dub the waiting room the Hope Room. As long as there are people present it means we haven't lost hope and God is still moving.

Dear New Mom

The creaks of my great-grandmother's rocking chair can be heard in the early morning hours in our house. I hold our new foster baby against my chest and rock her as she drinks a bottle and peers back at me with the most beautiful brown eyes. "How did I get here, God?" I wonder in the night, "How did you transform me into this mother?" I am so thankful for the Lord's chiseling on my heart. But it has taken carrying two babies in my womb, loving a child I had to give up, and accepting a new child (that will probably be returned to her family in a matter of weeks) to get me here. It has taken physical and emotional pain, enormous amounts of stress, and many frustrated pleas for a crying baby to JUST GO TO SLEEP! But God put me here - in a creaking, firmly-built rocking chair to hold his children and learn to trust him. And I am still learning to trust him.

I am still not who I need to be, but thank the Lord I am not who I used to be. And this is my encouragement to new mothers: let the Lord work on your heart in his timing and trust his plan. He has an amazing plan for you and your family!

Some of you are experiencing your first pregnancy and trying to figure out why on earth your body, and pre-born child, seem to have it out for you! Others of you are holding a newborn baby and wondering if you can be enough for your child. Still others already have children, but a new addition is challenging your family dynamic and, let's be honest, your ability hold on to the little sanity you have left. Yet the ones my heart most longs to comfort are those who have lost children - those whose aching arms feel the loss the most, and who pray to stroke their baby's hair or kiss their face just one more time. I have felt the ache of a mother, but I have also felt the joy of knowing that with each new life God gives - each precious, amazing, and beautiful life - there is new hope.

You will be okay, mom. Not everything will be perfect and there will be times of grief and struggle, but God will never leave you. As you hold or mourn your child, remember that God is holding you. And you better believe he's not in the business of leaving when he's needed the most.

Surround yourself with support, mom. Use the people God has given you to relieve you in times stress and when you just need a moment to come up for air. We were never meant to do this alone, and there is much to be learned from those who have gone before us. Listen to them.

And please, mom, don't try to hold yourself to a standard of "perfection," because you will just end up being stressed out and disappointed. None of us are perfect, and none of us have it together! Make priority for the things that matter and kick all other distractions to the curb.

Don't try to please everyone, mom. Let the Spirit guide you toward the things that really matter and away from the things that are stealing your valuable energy and time. You will not regret making your marriage and your family a priority.

However, mom, your relationship to Jesus Christ must always have first priority! He is the reason we serve as wives and mothers, and without him there is no purpose to our callings. Let the Lord fulfill your heart's deepest desires instead of looking to your husband or children for the task. And pray over your husband and your children as much as possible because it makes a difference!

And remember your husband, mom. It's natural to get consumed by the business of having a new baby, but your husband deserves your affection too. Make him a priority and carve out some time each day (even if it's right before bed) to listen, talk, and laugh. He is your partner, and he wants to know that you still think he's the most handsome hunk around!

Yet the hardest thing I've learned is to not fight the change, mom. And things will change for the better! It is a slow process that can't be completed in weeks or months, but as the years pass you will become the new creation that your current self aspires to be. You will get there, mom, and you have to believe it. Live each day with confidence in who God says you are, not how the world misjudges you.

And, lastly, don't forget about the legacy. I sit in my great-grandmother's rocking chair and remember that she was a German immigrant who raised six children. What would she say if someone had told her that one day a great-granddaughter would also rock babies in the same chair? I smile to think about her sparkling eyes and a comment like, "Well, that would be just fine." Strength from the mothers who have come before me seems to seep through the old chair and fill my being. And, so, you and I will also leave a legacy. May everything we do be molded by the desire to serve God, love others, and equip future generations to stand firm in the faith.

Unexpected Blessings

It can be easy to focus on only the negative aspects of foster care, so I felt it would be wonderful to explain the positive, unexpected blessings the Lord has given us through this calling.

First, our children have become more compassionate and concerned for others. They are gentler, sweeter, and more sympathetic toward other children. I'm amazed to watch our 4-year-old naturally comfort another child or our wild 2-year-old suddenly become calm so he can hug a baby! And our oldest will tell people that we "help the babies," so he already has a testimony for himself. The sympathy God has brought out in our boys' hearts through this process is encouraging and reminds me that personal obedience to the Lord positively affects my children.

Next, having pictures of Baby M still posted in our house has brought joy to my heart. There was certainly a time when it was too painful to look at her precious pictures, but now they make me smile and remember the beautiful time God allowed us to be her family. And the beautiful time he allowed me to be her Mommy. What an honor!

Then there is the blessing of knowing I can survive. I used to fear loss and wondered if I would become stronger in my faith or reject it all together. But God has sustained me and literally held me up during my time of grief, so I know he always will. Plus, something has surfaced from my heart - a determination, or "grit" if you will - that surpasses any strength I could obtain through comfortable, painless living. I will survive even if another foster baby leaves our home. And I will survive if another 100 foster babies leave our home, because God is in control and he has a plan.

I have also learned to appreciate and voice my love for my husband more often. Many of you know I'm not necessarily the "gushy" type, but sometimes the Lord brings to mind how much more challenging my life would be without Carey and I literally gush thanks and praise to God. And I do my best to encourage my husband because he makes many sacrifices for us that I have overlooked in the past. Carey's deliberate obedience to the Lord strengthens our family and motivates me to also serve Christ with all my being.

Lastly, God has opened my eyes to the sorrow in the world and now I have a greater desire to help make it better. From broken families, to parent-less children, and an overwhelmed system that desperately tries to help each child in need, there is so much sadness. But there are also good things happening through the individual families that say "yes" to helping foster kids and together we are making a difference! Whereas sorrow can penetrate even the roughest exterior and make someone want to not try for fear of failure, the realization that there are others working for the same goal - to glorify God by helping his needy children - makes all the difference. And while only the Lord can fully exterminate sin and sorrow (and he WILL one day), I have the assurance that he has equipped me to be part of the remedy for now.

And now we wait for a new foster baby! It's bittersweet to know we will have the opportunity to love another child because we still greatly miss Baby M. But my heart is overjoyed to have another little one in our home soon. Every day when I wake up I think, "Today could be the day. Today I could be a new Mommy again," and the anticipation excites me. What will be her story? What will she look like? How old will she be? We can't wait to meet her!

The Call to War

I've been thinking about the song, "The Boys Are Back in Town," and it makes me chuckle. It may sound funny, but I finally feel like I'm "back in town!" God has worked a wonderful transformation in my heart over the last few weeks and I feel like my normal self again. I'm not the same as I used to be, but through the Lord's healing my gumption, tenacity, and desire to continue standing within his will is stronger than before. It's stronger than it's ever been. My grief has turned into acceptance and my anger has turned into understanding. The scar of loss is still very real, but I look forward with anticipation at how God will continue unfolding his plan. And I look forward to his timely filling of the newly constructed places of my heart. That being said, this Dragon Lady has a bold word from the Lord.

Take a deep breath, and prepare yourself.

Something from a sermon I heard a few weeks ago really stuck with me: "We're not on a cruise ship, we're on a battle ship." Think about the implications, friend. A battle ship is full of committed, well-trained, and willingly obedient soldiers. The requirement of sacrifice is understood, and it is accepted even to the point of giving up one's own life. Life on a battle ship requires everyone performing their duty at the right time, place, and in the manner they have been instructed. Everything depends on continued obedience from every soldier.

And this is where I feel the church is lacking.

It isn't that I'm "holier than thou," but it is the conclusion the Lord has shown me as I have mourned and cried out to him for deliverance from my pitiful human state. Many believers seem to shorthand God, as I have, and his ability to provide for what he calls us to do. Friend, I'm here to tell you that anything you are allowing to hinder God's will for your life is blinding you from true freedom. And it's blinding you from true peace. Fearing the loss of something - whether it be status, livelihood, or even another person - will control your life if you don't actively fight as the soldier you were created to be. Stand and fight! As your friend and sister in Christ, I beg you to stand and fight with me with eternal eyes instead of earthly logic. I dare you to move beyond what simply matters to you, and live your life according to what matters to God. The Spirit shouts from my heart, "Tell them enough is enough!!!" Amen, Lord, enough is enough.

Oh, the things God has prepared for those who love him!

This is your call to war, friend. The lost need you, and I need you. In my thirty years on earth God has already done immeasurably more than I could have ever imagined simply because I desired to show up and fight. It's gut-wrenching, and cold, and painful, but you're not alone. We're not alone. Show up and watch what the Lord does as he reveals why you were made. Have some gumption and put forth some deliberate effort. Embrace that deep desire God has placed in your heart, the unique and extravagant calling you have fought against for months or even years. It will take time, and it certainly won't be easy, but I stand on the other side of struggle and tell you there is victory. And, better yet, Christ stands on the other side of death and tells you not to fear failure because he's on the throne.

And I will pray for you, fellow soldier. Let me know your need and I will lift it up with boldness to the Father as you have done for me in my time of need.

Looking Forward

It has now been three weeks without M in our home. And it seems more like three years.

Our oldest son has stopped asking about her, but now he asks when we will “help more babies.” And while I smile at his tender heart as I tell him it will be a little while longer, a part of me wants to scream, “Never again!!! I can’t do this again!” Sinful and selfish Leah wants to self-destruct by curling up in a ball and refusing to step into the light of day again. But Christ’s love compels me to look forward, not dwell in past circumstances that Satan is trying to use to render my faith inactive. “Remember how much she loved you? God took her away from you,” the enemy whispers in the silence of the night as I try to sleep. “She is so innocent and beautiful, but God doesn’t care. He doesn’t love her, and he doesn’t love you,” he continues. The boldness of Satan’s schemes increases my righteous anger and motivates me to fight even harder. Every morning when my feet hit the ground I know my God is in control even though I may feel inadequate to face another day of grief. But he is always with me, and the spiritual pillar of strength he has given me is holding me up. How on earth do people face trials without knowing the Lord? Perhaps that is why there is so much sadness in this world.

But one thing is for sure – my grief is not an excuse to stop serving, to stop loving, to stop trusting. We are told in scripture that if we truly belong to Christ then we will suffer as he suffered. I think about how he willingly gave up his rights on account of love. And while we’ve “lost” Baby M, we can never lose Christ. Jesus’ sacrifice isn’t automatically applied to all sin – we each must make the personal decision to follow him by admitting we are sinners and trusting that he was the son of God. He is the only way to heaven, and I invite anyone who has questions about salvation to speak to me. Because without Christ, life isn’t worth living. And without Christ, what is lost can’t be redeemed.

The judge said something interesting to us three weeks ago. He said, “You mention in your statement that M won’t remember you, but I’m here to tell you that she will. She may not remember your faces, but she will remember your loving influence.” Since then the judge has also personally recommended us to care for another newborn, and the Lord has revealed just how much our presence impacted him. One thing is for sure – I will never again miss a hearing for our future foster babies because testifying before those in power is one of the greatest privileges I have as a believer. God expects all of us to use the platform he’s given us, even if we think our position(s) are insignificant or not as vital to the kingdom of God. Dear friend, you too have a voice, and I beg you to use it!

Among our grief we have experienced miracles. Many of you know that we were searching for a new home, and after much frustration the Lord provided the perfect place for us! Our new home sat for two weeks without a single offer (which is unheard of in this housing market), and now we know it was because the Lord was holding it for us. One of our new neighbors even told us she specifically prayed for the family who would buy our home. And I am overwhelmed at God’s work behind the scenes and in the midst of our grief. His display of radical love continues to pour out without inhibition. May my love do the same.

I tell the Lord that I could never love another foster baby the way I love M, and he says that’s okay because he doesn’t expect me to replace my love for her with the love for another child. Instead, God is stretching my heart to make more room for love. You see, I view love entirely different now – it’s not that my heart can only hold so much love, but that my heart must be continually open to love. The Lord is constructing new places in my heart that he wants to fill. And I understand that love without sacrifice isn’t love at all. So, may I sacrifice every day for my Jesus, family, and those I come in contact with on account of love even though it’s painful, messy, and uncomfortable.

Who is God telling you to love? Love them with abandon. Could it cause grief? Absolutely. But wouldn't we rather err on the side of love than on fear?

A Statement to the Judge

Today is Baby M's first day with her relatives, so I thought I'd share the statement we gave to the judge at yesterday's status hearing:

 

"It has been our honor to love 'M'. When she first became a part of our family, she was malnourished and addicted to drugs. We prayed for the Lord to protect her and help her grow. Everyone we know - from extended family members on both sides of the family, to church members, and many other additional friends and acquaintances - have prayed for her recovery. And today, because of the grace of God's answer to hundreds of prayers, she is a thriving and joyful baby girl.

'M' has been our daughter for 8 months. She has learned to crawl, talk, and take her first few steps all within the reach of our loving hands. She eagerly makes a mess of her brothers' toys (as all little sisters do) and grunts in objection when the fun of bath time is over. She loves to sing, dance, and laugh. She has a small frame and a spunky personality that work together to win even the hardest of hearts over. She has been loved by everyone we know despite the fact that we don't share her DNA. All children deserve this kind of love from others, but it is most meaningful to us that our love has been shown to her on behalf of the Father and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We pray that even though her memory of us will eventually fade that the foundation we have given her through Jesus Christ will never fade. And we know he has a very special plan for her.

Our hearts are broken over 'M's' physical removal from our family. She knows us as Mom, Dad, grandma, grandpa, brother, aunt, uncle, cousin, teacher, and friend. We believe she should be able to stay in the environment she has come to know as 'family,' because it is in this environment where she has experienced emotional and physical healing and been given the chance to thrive. However, we find strength in the knowledge that God is in control even when we are not. We understand that, 'Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is [his] faithfulness.' (Lamentations 3:22-23)"

 

I hope to post again soon, but my emotions are very raw at the moment. Yesterday was the hardest, gut-wrenching day I've ever experienced in my life. Case in point: our baby girl cried as she was put into the caseworker's car because she could sense the tension. And I've never seen my husband more distraught than he was yesterday. It was all very disturbing. But we sincerely thank you for your continued prayers and look forward to seeing God's continued provision through this difficult time.