Reclaiming My Place

This week has been rough.

On Thursday I slipped into a momentary depression encouraged by the three-month anniversary of M's removal, extreme exhaustion, and finding out we aren't the ones who get to adopt M. All of this is to be expected, right? But when it all hit at the same time I found myself at an extreme low. All I could do was look up for help.

And, you know what? The Lord knows when we need help even if we don't ask for it. One of my sweet sister-in-laws reminded me that Satan fills our hearts and minds with lies to discourage us from being obedient to God's will. This is something I've known for a long time, but somehow I had started believing the lies and allowed them to start affecting my confidence. Then things from my past - things I've repented of - started showing up in my memory in the weirdest ways. These are things I've considered "conquered" for years, yet they crept back in. So I thought, "How on earth am I back here?"

The answer was in believing the lies: That God doesn't love me, that I'll never be worthy of his affection, that my mistakes have disqualified me from doing anything good, etc. Once I opened that door, the damaging thoughts from my past rushed in to take control of my heart. The Holy Spirit reminded me that I am a child of the King who doesn't bow to the schemes of Satan. He brought to my attention some loose ends that needed knots, so we took care of that together. And now I'm recovering, but it'll probably take a few days before the toil on my heart is completely gone. Yet something that happened on Friday reminded me of God's constant presence even in the midst of personal struggle.

I had the chance to briefly meet and encounter our foster baby's relatives at her family visit. The Lord was so gracious to give me a compassionate and loving spirit even though the last thing I wanted to do was meet them while dealing with my own issues. Yet when I saw the grandmother's tears while saying goodbye to the baby, I realized my healing was partly to be found in comforting her. God whispered, "You need to hug her. Both of you need this assurance." In that moment I didn't care about my own junk - Christ took over and the love of a Savior poured out through my outstretched arms. You see, he used me even though I was in a messed-up, pitiful state to love on someone else who was hurting. And you know what? It changed my entire perspective.

While driving home God lovingly impressed on my heart that he has allowed pain in my life to teach me how to love others the way he loves them. To see things with an eternal perspective instead of an earthly perspective. To show me that experiencing pain is the most powerful connector to Christ and to others.

I don't know why he wants to use me, and I don't know why he continues to choose me, but I'm reclaiming my place. Don't fear the mess, friend, because it is in the mess that God is strongest and lives are changed.