Looking Forward

It has now been three weeks without M in our home. And it seems more like three years.

Our oldest son has stopped asking about her, but now he asks when we will “help more babies.” And while I smile at his tender heart as I tell him it will be a little while longer, a part of me wants to scream, “Never again!!! I can’t do this again!” Sinful and selfish Leah wants to self-destruct by curling up in a ball and refusing to step into the light of day again. But Christ’s love compels me to look forward, not dwell in past circumstances that Satan is trying to use to render my faith inactive. “Remember how much she loved you? God took her away from you,” the enemy whispers in the silence of the night as I try to sleep. “She is so innocent and beautiful, but God doesn’t care. He doesn’t love her, and he doesn’t love you,” he continues. The boldness of Satan’s schemes increases my righteous anger and motivates me to fight even harder. Every morning when my feet hit the ground I know my God is in control even though I may feel inadequate to face another day of grief. But he is always with me, and the spiritual pillar of strength he has given me is holding me up. How on earth do people face trials without knowing the Lord? Perhaps that is why there is so much sadness in this world.

But one thing is for sure – my grief is not an excuse to stop serving, to stop loving, to stop trusting. We are told in scripture that if we truly belong to Christ then we will suffer as he suffered. I think about how he willingly gave up his rights on account of love. And while we’ve “lost” Baby M, we can never lose Christ. Jesus’ sacrifice isn’t automatically applied to all sin – we each must make the personal decision to follow him by admitting we are sinners and trusting that he was the son of God. He is the only way to heaven, and I invite anyone who has questions about salvation to speak to me. Because without Christ, life isn’t worth living. And without Christ, what is lost can’t be redeemed.

The judge said something interesting to us three weeks ago. He said, “You mention in your statement that M won’t remember you, but I’m here to tell you that she will. She may not remember your faces, but she will remember your loving influence.” Since then the judge has also personally recommended us to care for another newborn, and the Lord has revealed just how much our presence impacted him. One thing is for sure – I will never again miss a hearing for our future foster babies because testifying before those in power is one of the greatest privileges I have as a believer. God expects all of us to use the platform he’s given us, even if we think our position(s) are insignificant or not as vital to the kingdom of God. Dear friend, you too have a voice, and I beg you to use it!

Among our grief we have experienced miracles. Many of you know that we were searching for a new home, and after much frustration the Lord provided the perfect place for us! Our new home sat for two weeks without a single offer (which is unheard of in this housing market), and now we know it was because the Lord was holding it for us. One of our new neighbors even told us she specifically prayed for the family who would buy our home. And I am overwhelmed at God’s work behind the scenes and in the midst of our grief. His display of radical love continues to pour out without inhibition. May my love do the same.

I tell the Lord that I could never love another foster baby the way I love M, and he says that’s okay because he doesn’t expect me to replace my love for her with the love for another child. Instead, God is stretching my heart to make more room for love. You see, I view love entirely different now – it’s not that my heart can only hold so much love, but that my heart must be continually open to love. The Lord is constructing new places in my heart that he wants to fill. And I understand that love without sacrifice isn’t love at all. So, may I sacrifice every day for my Jesus, family, and those I come in contact with on account of love even though it’s painful, messy, and uncomfortable.

Who is God telling you to love? Love them with abandon. Could it cause grief? Absolutely. But wouldn't we rather err on the side of love than on fear?