Looking Forward

It has now been three weeks without M in our home. And it seems more like three years.

Our oldest son has stopped asking about her, but now he asks when we will “help more babies.” And while I smile at his tender heart as I tell him it will be a little while longer, a part of me wants to scream, “Never again!!! I can’t do this again!” Sinful and selfish Leah wants to self-destruct by curling up in a ball and refusing to step into the light of day again. But Christ’s love compels me to look forward, not dwell in past circumstances that Satan is trying to use to render my faith inactive. “Remember how much she loved you? God took her away from you,” the enemy whispers in the silence of the night as I try to sleep. “She is so innocent and beautiful, but God doesn’t care. He doesn’t love her, and he doesn’t love you,” he continues. The boldness of Satan’s schemes increases my righteous anger and motivates me to fight even harder. Every morning when my feet hit the ground I know my God is in control even though I may feel inadequate to face another day of grief. But he is always with me, and the spiritual pillar of strength he has given me is holding me up. How on earth do people face trials without knowing the Lord? Perhaps that is why there is so much sadness in this world.

But one thing is for sure – my grief is not an excuse to stop serving, to stop loving, to stop trusting. We are told in scripture that if we truly belong to Christ then we will suffer as he suffered. I think about how he willingly gave up his rights on account of love. And while we’ve “lost” Baby M, we can never lose Christ. Jesus’ sacrifice isn’t automatically applied to all sin – we each must make the personal decision to follow him by admitting we are sinners and trusting that he was the son of God. He is the only way to heaven, and I invite anyone who has questions about salvation to speak to me. Because without Christ, life isn’t worth living. And without Christ, what is lost can’t be redeemed.

The judge said something interesting to us three weeks ago. He said, “You mention in your statement that M won’t remember you, but I’m here to tell you that she will. She may not remember your faces, but she will remember your loving influence.” Since then the judge has also personally recommended us to care for another newborn, and the Lord has revealed just how much our presence impacted him. One thing is for sure – I will never again miss a hearing for our future foster babies because testifying before those in power is one of the greatest privileges I have as a believer. God expects all of us to use the platform he’s given us, even if we think our position(s) are insignificant or not as vital to the kingdom of God. Dear friend, you too have a voice, and I beg you to use it!

Among our grief we have experienced miracles. Many of you know that we were searching for a new home, and after much frustration the Lord provided the perfect place for us! Our new home sat for two weeks without a single offer (which is unheard of in this housing market), and now we know it was because the Lord was holding it for us. One of our new neighbors even told us she specifically prayed for the family who would buy our home. And I am overwhelmed at God’s work behind the scenes and in the midst of our grief. His display of radical love continues to pour out without inhibition. May my love do the same.

I tell the Lord that I could never love another foster baby the way I love M, and he says that’s okay because he doesn’t expect me to replace my love for her with the love for another child. Instead, God is stretching my heart to make more room for love. You see, I view love entirely different now – it’s not that my heart can only hold so much love, but that my heart must be continually open to love. The Lord is constructing new places in my heart that he wants to fill. And I understand that love without sacrifice isn’t love at all. So, may I sacrifice every day for my Jesus, family, and those I come in contact with on account of love even though it’s painful, messy, and uncomfortable.

Who is God telling you to love? Love them with abandon. Could it cause grief? Absolutely. But wouldn't we rather err on the side of love than on fear?

A Statement to the Judge

Today is Baby M's first day with her relatives, so I thought I'd share the statement we gave to the judge at yesterday's status hearing:

 

"It has been our honor to love 'M'. When she first became a part of our family, she was malnourished and addicted to drugs. We prayed for the Lord to protect her and help her grow. Everyone we know - from extended family members on both sides of the family, to church members, and many other additional friends and acquaintances - have prayed for her recovery. And today, because of the grace of God's answer to hundreds of prayers, she is a thriving and joyful baby girl.

'M' has been our daughter for 8 months. She has learned to crawl, talk, and take her first few steps all within the reach of our loving hands. She eagerly makes a mess of her brothers' toys (as all little sisters do) and grunts in objection when the fun of bath time is over. She loves to sing, dance, and laugh. She has a small frame and a spunky personality that work together to win even the hardest of hearts over. She has been loved by everyone we know despite the fact that we don't share her DNA. All children deserve this kind of love from others, but it is most meaningful to us that our love has been shown to her on behalf of the Father and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We pray that even though her memory of us will eventually fade that the foundation we have given her through Jesus Christ will never fade. And we know he has a very special plan for her.

Our hearts are broken over 'M's' physical removal from our family. She knows us as Mom, Dad, grandma, grandpa, brother, aunt, uncle, cousin, teacher, and friend. We believe she should be able to stay in the environment she has come to know as 'family,' because it is in this environment where she has experienced emotional and physical healing and been given the chance to thrive. However, we find strength in the knowledge that God is in control even when we are not. We understand that, 'Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is [his] faithfulness.' (Lamentations 3:22-23)"

 

I hope to post again soon, but my emotions are very raw at the moment. Yesterday was the hardest, gut-wrenching day I've ever experienced in my life. Case in point: our baby girl cried as she was put into the caseworker's car because she could sense the tension. And I've never seen my husband more distraught than he was yesterday. It was all very disturbing. But we sincerely thank you for your continued prayers and look forward to seeing God's continued provision through this difficult time.

Is This Worth It?

It is with a heavy heart that I say Baby M will be placed with her extended relatives in a matter of weeks.

The good news is they sound like a wonderful, Christian family with lots of love and support. The bad news is Baby M won't be staying with us. But we are working that out in our own personal ways.

I have been asking myself a question many times over these last few challenging weeks: Is this worth it? The pain, disappointment, and heartache? The answer is YES. Unequivocally yes! But I am still torn between an angry, human reaction and a trusting, spiritual reaction. I know the Lord has a special plan for her, and she is still in his arms even if she's not in mine. And while that fact makes the situation easier, it still isn't "easy." This is rough.

I've never known a heartbreak of this magnitude, so a deep cut is forming in my heart. And Satan is determined to make this cut hurt so much that I'll never dare to love another needy child again. But, frankly, he's an idiot. My suffering on account of God's will is making me stronger and more reliant on Christ. One day my cut will be a scar - a scar earned on account of sacrificial love. And Jesus has those kinds of scars, too. His are much more meaningful than mine, but at least my scar will mirror those he received by dying on the cross. Christ understands my suffering, and it is my honor to suffer for his purposes. I will not stop giving deliberate love to children in need of families, because God never stopped giving love in his pursuit of adopting me.

Pastor recently asked this question during one of his sermons:

"Once we're in Heaven, will we wish we had done more to reach others on earth?"

My struggles have been put into perspective. If I left earth right now and had to look back on my life, I would be grateful that the threat of loss didn't stop me from loving a baby girl who had no one else to take care of her.

I believe with everything in me that we will have a continued relationship with Baby M. Please pray for our sweet girl, our family and friends, and her extended relatives as we seek to meet and come up with a more definite plan for her transition.

The Difference Between Two and Three

Pretend you are in first grade again. Now, when the teacher asks, “What’s the difference between three and two,” what is your answer? Do you think the answer is one? Well, you’re wrong. The answer is one million.

Look, I LOVE children. Their quirks, laughs, and goofiness – give it all to me. But when you are raising said children there is a huge difference between two dirt-attracting, bottomless stomachs and three. Let me explain.

We have three small children in our family: a four-year-old, a two-year-old, and a 7-month-old. Not that’s it’s any of your business, but yes, we planned it that way. And they are the greatest blessings and joys in our lives. However, I personally was not ready for the challenge of having three children. I thought, “Muah, I got two, so what’s one more? Me and Jesus got this.” Well, I’m here to tell you that most days I don’t “got this,” and Jesus be like, “Girl, you crazy, but I’m here with you!”

First, grocery shopping. Theoretically the four-year-old should be able to walk without trouble, right? Nope. Just don’t count on it. And we’re good for now with #2 sitting in the cart and #3 bumming off of mom in a sling, but how many more months can my shoulders take it? Or legs? Why must #2 kick my legs?

Forget about your workout. You’ll be so exhausted by the end of the day that you won’t get any gym time. Chasing children is your workout, and it will be a good one. If I had a dollar for every time someone said, “Girl, you’re looking good! What have you been doing?” I’d be able to afford a nanny. And then I’d be able to go workout. I used to be able to throw #1 and #2 in a double stroller and at least go running through the neighborhood, but unfortunately they don’t make strollers for a combined child weight of eighty pounds.

Standing is the new norm. I realized during our last Christmas program at church that for once, in eighteen years, I didn’t struggle to stand for over an hour. And it’s all because of the difference between three and two. Studies now tell us that standing is healthier anyway, so at least you’ll have that going for you.

You may be convinced that your children will never be in a daycare-type facility, but let me tell you I couldn’t get my oldest enrolled in Mother’s Day Out quick enough. It was 90% his benefit and 10% my benefit, but it still happened. Ok, you know that’s a lie - more like 50% his benefit and 100% my benefit. No, those numbers don’t add up, but since when are you taking my math skills seriously?

We now have three children who sleep through the night. That in itself is a miracle and all because of Jesus, but it also means we have some really full diapers each morning. Because they all wear different sizes. And because #1 and #2 require specific night-time diapers with their favorite characters on the front. So, get used to random boxes of diapers throughout the house at which your husband will ask, “Whose diapers are these?” And you will respond, “Whichever one is running around naked, duh.”

A peaceful night away will almost not be worth it. By the time you pack three bags for three children who randomly remove items from their bags without your knowledge, forcing you to constantly recheck each bag and chase down the guilty party, you’ll be tempted to just stay home. But then you’ll actually go out into the public without children only to be reminded that you’d much rather be annoyed by your own kids than other adults who talk too loudly at the restaurant or prop their stinky feet on the back of your seat as you try to watch a movie. You’ll turn to your lover and say, “We should have just stayed home and watched Netflix.”

But, all joking aside, I wouldn’t trade my crazy, hectic life for anything! I have never been happier in my life and continue to be amazed at how God’s plans are so much better than mine. He does know what he’s doing, even when my children have a three-way fight over a train. Never mind that we have a bucketful of Thomas and ALL his friends (literally) sitting in the corner, they want to fight over Toby. Seriously?! Whatever, I digress.

The short story is everyone should want to be me, because I have the best life on planet earth. I have a dear, servant husband who humbly provides in every way for my needs and the needs of our family. I have three incredibly adorable children who bring insurmountable joy to what would otherwise be a lackluster life. And, most importantly, I have a Savior who shows up every second of every day to whisper, “Leah, breathe. Let me fill your heart and mind during every moment of this day.” And it’s plainly obvious to everyone who knew the pre-children me that he is doing a wonderful work through my life. Because, let’s face it, the old Leah would have never tolerated this kind of tomfoolery. Yet my heart is softened a little more every day because God intentionally chose me to be the mommy of my children. What an honor, what a responsibility. I’ll do it willingly because the Lord has a wonderful plan and he lets me be a part of it.

And finding that kind of purpose is the difference between two and three.

Moving, Moving, Moving!

Well, Baby M's new nickname is "Rooter-Scooter!" In the last week, she has learned to crawl, pull-up, and get herself up on the brick hearth (a few inches off the ground). Folks, this game has stepped up a notch...

It is GLARINGLY obvious how much this little girl is like our youngest son - on the move, and hard to stop. She has an opinion  when she doesn't get her way (as evidenced by a very high-pitched, shrill scream), and flashes her smile or flirtatiously raises her eyebrows to bring you over to the Dark Side. And it works. Against all my strength, her whims work most of the time. This little girl has me pegged. On top of that, she's lost interest in her baby toys. Rooter-Scooter would much rather play with her brothers' cars, trains, and anything else with small pieces that can break off. Sigh. She sure is turning out to be a handful, but we still love her to death! ;)

As for M's case, we are waiting on the fourth relative's home study to be completed. This particular relative looks very promising, so time will tell if a move is on the horizon. But we honestly don't think there is. The evidences of God's order is so apparent through this whole situation, and even people outside of our family have noticed. We confidently claim her as a permanent part of our family even though the legalities are in process. Also, a positive aspect about all of this is M's hearing could be moved up a month upon the completion of the new home studies. If that happens, it could be sooner rather than later that we get to adopt her.

Please pray for God's will to be done through this new home study process and for our peace. The New Year holds several unknowns for our family, but we are waiting with hopeful expectation for God to prove, once again, that he is not bound by seemingly impossible circumstances.

In other news, it's ridiculous how cute they make baby girl dresses. Please, just stop. I have a Dragon Lady persona to keep up, and the dresses aren't helping.

Sincerely, Foster Mom

I heard you are not doing well. At all. Your world has crumbled, and the best thing you had in your life - your precious baby girl - is now living with strangers. Oh, how my heart breaks for you! I desperately want you to know that, as a mother, I cry and mourn over the loss of your relationship with your daughter.

But I also want you to know M is SO LOVED. With the arrival of each of my children a secret place has been opened in my heart specifically for them. And the same is especially true of M because she and I have a unique bond unlike any other bond I've ever known. I don't say this to make you sad or angry, but to assure you that the Lord placed her in my heart before she ever entered our home. She was there from the beginning, and I honor and thank you for choosing to give her life.

And you are also loved, dear mother. You've experienced years of loss, frustration, and agony. Decisions can't be remade, but you can choose to let the Lord's purposes be fulfilled where you are now. Choose to be broken before a Holy God who loves you more immensely than anyone else could ever love you. Don't fight brokenness - I too was once broken. Before I knew the Lord I was lost and foolishly running straight into Hell. Then one day he called my name, rescued me from my sin and beckoned me to start living only through the power of his son's innocent blood. And I would never go back! Look forward, precious soul, and let God be God. I pray for peace and comfort to pour out from the depths of your heart and flood your life. I plead with the Lord to reach you...no matter what. No matter what, sweet mother.

Beautiful M laughs from the bottom of her feet to the top of her head! Her smile is unsparingly given to everyone and her eyes sparkle the most radiant crystal blue. She is a blessing to everyone who meets her. She is a picture of God's mercy, of his gorgeous design. M is made in his image. She's made in your image.

Regardless of the circumstances, precious mother, please trust that M will be perfectly protected by the Lord, even as he protects you. I don't think I'm better than you. Rather, I see the importance of caring for her in the most honorable way because she is a reflection of you. The only way I can help you is to love her. And I love her with the deepest love imaginable.

I pray you will release any hatred you have toward the Lord...and toward me. I am hopeful for your reconciliation to God because without it there will be no future reconciliation to your daughter. I say that with gentleness, but I also say it with resolve.

You can do this. We can do this. For the sake of your daughter - our daughter - we can trust God's plan.

Sincerely,
Foster Mom

Update!

Baby M is almost six months old!

Favorite activities: Laughing at her brothers, smiling, growling, and rolling over.

Least favorite activities: Sitting up and not being able to roll past an object (lol).

Favorite foods: Carrots and bananas.

Least favorite foods: Cereal and veggies.

Favorite toys: Her toes, squishy blocks, and rattles.

Number of teeth: 2

Physical milestones: Endless rolling, rocking back-and-forth on her knees, and grabbing objects with her hands.

There was another hearing for M, and it turns out we are just waiting on things to pan out...to adopt her! Things have happened so quickly, and we feel blessed that God has given us this sweet little girl.

Carey and I had a neat discussion the other night concerning preparing for the worst: He said, "You know, I try to take my mind there - to losing her - but every time I do the Holy Spirit says, 'No, you don't even need to go there! M is staying with you.'" My mouth fell open because that's exactly what has been happening to me too. M is already so woven into our family that it seems weird to even think back on the time when she wasn't with us. How sweet it is to be her Mama! :)

Thank you for your continued prayers. Our God is AWESOME!