Is This Worth It?

It is with a heavy heart that I say Baby M will be placed with her extended relatives in a matter of weeks.

The good news is they sound like a wonderful, Christian family with lots of love and support. The bad news is Baby M won't be staying with us. But we are working that out in our own personal ways.

I have been asking myself a question many times over these last few challenging weeks: Is this worth it? The pain, disappointment, and heartache? The answer is YES. Unequivocally yes! But I am still torn between an angry, human reaction and a trusting, spiritual reaction. I know the Lord has a special plan for her, and she is still in his arms even if she's not in mine. And while that fact makes the situation easier, it still isn't "easy." This is rough.

I've never known a heartbreak of this magnitude, so a deep cut is forming in my heart. And Satan is determined to make this cut hurt so much that I'll never dare to love another needy child again. But, frankly, he's an idiot. My suffering on account of God's will is making me stronger and more reliant on Christ. One day my cut will be a scar - a scar earned on account of sacrificial love. And Jesus has those kinds of scars, too. His are much more meaningful than mine, but at least my scar will mirror those he received by dying on the cross. Christ understands my suffering, and it is my honor to suffer for his purposes. I will not stop giving deliberate love to children in need of families, because God never stopped giving love in his pursuit of adopting me.

Pastor recently asked this question during one of his sermons:

"Once we're in Heaven, will we wish we had done more to reach others on earth?"

My struggles have been put into perspective. If I left earth right now and had to look back on my life, I would be grateful that the threat of loss didn't stop me from loving a baby girl who had no one else to take care of her.

I believe with everything in me that we will have a continued relationship with Baby M. Please pray for our sweet girl, our family and friends, and her extended relatives as we seek to meet and come up with a more definite plan for her transition.