Texas, oh Texas, how I love thee! But you have been a thorn in my side for WEEKS and it's time to let you know that I feel like smacking a stinky, dead fish right across your face.
Look, I'm just going to be real, folks - I have never been more disappointed by my state. Somewhere in the midst of "making things right" and "accountability," Texas has created (hopefully inadvertently) a witch-hunt for foster families who abuse their foster children. The travesty is that many resources are wasted on loose ends that any practical person can see are not indicators of abuse. Therein lies the problem: Practicality and common sense seem to have left the building.
I am, of course, not saying true abusers shouldn't be held accountable. There are numerous people I know who were in the foster care system as a child, and one in particular I have a close relationship with. She told me a little bit about the abuse she experienced, so I certainly don't live in a world of naivety on this subject. However, my point is maybe she, along with many other children, would not have experienced abuse if resources weren't wasted on illegitimate leads.
Our Experience
While I have deliberately been conservative with the information I've shared regarding the removal of our last foster baby (over 2 months ago), I no longer care if sharing the information causes repercussions toward our foster parent status.
In the middle of August I received a call from K's caseworker. This gentleman was a no-nonsense person, so we got along great. He literally said, "Leah, I am so sorry but I have to remove K from your home. This isn't what I want...but there are players above me who have told me to make it happen." The back story is K had injured her cheek two weeks before while playing with a toy and it left a bruise. The bruise was still present at the next family visit, so it was blown out of proportion. Nonetheless, we took her back home and, I kid you not, she injured herself again the night BEFORE the next visit. This time she slipped and hit right below her eye brow on a chair leg while trying to crawl into my lap. Knowing the visit was the next day, I was carefully deliberate and did everything I was supposed to do such as notify the caseworker, take pictures, document what happened, etc. By the next morning she had what looked like a little scratch below her eye brow, so I felt assured that everything would be okay.
Well, everything was NOT okay! The lawyers had a flying hissy-fit at the family visit. So much so that when I met with one of the lawyers after the visit she almost wouldn't give me K...as if she was handing the baby back to a CHILD ABUSER. Well, thankfully I had a friend with me who witnessed the conversation so nothing could ever come from that interaction. The only thing she didn't witness was when the lawyer followed me to the bathroom so I could change K's diaper. The lawyer literally stood there and watched everything as if she was trying to find a more evidenced reason to get the baby removed from our home. Well, she got what she wanted the following day. The claim was that having two different injuries at two concurrent family visits was an indication of abuse.
A different case worker came to pick up K about two hours after we received the call. Luckily Carey was working from home that day, so he got to say good-bye to her. But we were both so shell-shocked. I asked the case worker if the same thing was going to happen to the next foster family, and she just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Probably."
We are glad to know that K is still with a foster family and wasn't immediately placed back into an unstable environment. However, the illegitimate removal from our loving, nurturing home was undoubtedly traumatizing for her. And it was trauma that was deliberately caused by a few inept and dare I say CORRUPT individuals who had sway in her case. What about accountability for them?
Listen Up, Texas
My beef is not with CPS, it is WITH YOU. False accusations happen all the time to innocent, loving foster families, and I refuse to just accept it as "the norm" and instead choose to be a part of a social riot. While real abusers are out there committing crimes, CPS is forced to chase down leads that have no standing because of the law. And then everyone is drug through months of formalities and time-wasting endeavors to hopefully make everything right again. But nothing is ever right again - not with the foster families, not with CPS, and most importantly not with the children who truly need a stable and caring environment. Oh, no - the only thing "right" is that someone on a power trip used politics and an extreme interpretation of the law (go figure) to get what they wanted at the expense of the well-being of a child. Dare I say you are setting up CPS to work against the very reason they were established? YES.
At least once a month I see another story on the news about CPS needing an overhaul and it infuriates me! The state is on the right track by designating more more money for the organization, but it won't actually happen until 2017. So, anyone want to guess what will continue to happen in the mean time? Regardless of the fact that throwing money at something can only help, but not fix, the problem? Good grief. And then, Mr. Texas, you take away much of the funding for ECI (Early Childhood Intervention)! Has someone completely UNSCREWED YOUR BRAIN?! Can you really not see the correlation between extinguishing a family's need to get appropriate health and mental services for their children and an ever-increasing growth in children entering foster care?! And to think - I used to be the naive one in this relationship.
My Mama always used to say, "Quit complaining about the problem and help with the solution." So, here are my proposals:
1. Establish laws (call them "Illegitimate Leads" laws, if you will) to protect foster children and their foster families from undue removals and prejudice. Include statements such as, "Foster children may not be removed from foster homes when two or more witnesses were present at the time of the injury and the injury was self-inflicted by the child, proven as accidental, and could not have possibly been prevented, " and, "A foster family must be provided all the documents related to the removal of a foster child from the home upon request." I'm no lawyer, so get to crackin' my lawyer friends! So help me if I have to take the time to get a law degree to make something happen...
2. Give foster families representation. Everyone who enters the foster care system - biological parents, relatives, children - are given lawyers. Except foster parents. Oh, no, "babysitting" the foster parents is a task given to the FAD workers who have very little wiggle room to actually stand up for their foster families against false allegations. The FAD workers work hard to retain their foster families only for some predatory-style player in a case to swoop in for the kill. Foster parents are told to "be involved," but "not too involved." They are told to "love" their foster children, but not "fall in love" with the children. They are expected to be at all the meetings and represent the child's best interest without being formally trained, all the while being prone to an incoming attack from someone else involved in the child's case who has an ulterior motive. Get. Foster parents. Representation. This is a personal requirement for our family if we are to have a future in foster care. Foster parents are severely limited because they have no legal say in their foster-children's well-being.
3. Recruit the church. I've heard through the grapevine, Texas, that you've acknowledged the huge, positive impact that God-fearing Christians have on the foster care system. So...why aren't you recruiting the effective church leaders who lead adoption and foster care ministries? Why aren't you using the resources created by Christians and PROVEN to be effective (such as the Empowered to Connect, or ETC, training) to hit the foster crisis head on in the spiritual arena? Get after it.
4. Utterly obliterate the professional career of anyone who tries to use a child as a pawn for a growing their political and/or wealth status. Use reprimands, fines, prosecutions, jail time, affidavits, and whatever else you need at the full extent of the law to bring this kind of corruption down! I'M BANGING MY FISTS ON THE TABLE!!! Do it! Do it now!
Beauty in the Storm
Through it all, Texas, God's
supremacy and goodness will never be squelched. I have witnessed the CPS
workers who strive tirelessly to truly do what is right for foster children in spite of possibly losing their job or facing reprimands. I have cried uncontrollable tears on behalf of the children who have entered our home and have an immense burden for all foster children to be given the love they deserve - the love of a Savior. And the witness of God's continued provision is present in a friend who has decided to become a foster parent even after walking this road alongside our family. Time and time again God shouts, "Here I am!" Thankfully God is here, Texas, but you aren't doing a very good job of listening. I want to give you the silent treatment, but I know that won't help a single thing.
So, I'm certainly not asking you to fix everything, Texas...
But what can you fix? I pray it's insurmountably more than what I could ever imagine. Because, deep down, even though we are fighting right now, I love you, Texas. Now get it together.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
The Rescuer
Put a fork in me. I'm done.
It's not that I'm done with life, or the pursuit of adoption, or the frustrations that come with doing God's will. Nope, not that at all! I am however done with the idea that my plan for our family is better than God's plan. And I'm done using my worldly wisdom to try and make sense of spiritual matters that can only be explained by God's sovereignty.
Momma Leah still misses Baby M. I am Sovereign.
Sentimental Leah wishes to see Baby S's smile one more time. I am Sovereign.
Angry Leah still wants to act out in incredible ways over the whole Baby K ordeal. I am Sovereign.
Rescuer Leah still desires to save all the children in the world who need a loving family.
Wait a minute, hold up. It's time we get something straight.
YOU are not the Rescuer. You are my child. Yes, I have called you to be on a difficult path, but don't mistake your grief as a sign of My absent love. Don't mistake your disappointments as My lack of provision. Don't let what has happened to your family keep you from pressing on. Because, Leah, I love you so much. I love you enough to not give you everything you "think" you need. I love you enough to say, "Not this time." I love you enough to plan something great for your family. Do you still trust Me?
Just when I think I'm really starting to learn what this whole "taking up your cross" command is, the Lord steps in to infiltrate my ill-informed perception. Over the last couple of weeks, we have started a new biblically-based adoption training and the personal insight God has given me of our family is overwhelming. And Carey agrees. When we discuss the immense spiritual growth we are experiencing, we can do nothing but praise God for his omniscience. And we are so excited to one day see the end result of his plan! All of the studying, toiling, trying new methods (some that succeed and some that fail), pulling out hair, and spiritual exhaustion is worth it. It is so worth it!
Before we became foster parents we were very naive. Of course, naivety is always present to a certain extent when you try something new, but there was also a "life" naivety for both of us. We thought our lives before becoming foster parents were stressful, but in all actuality they weren't. We thought we knew what evil was without really having a single first-handed, gut-wrenching, sobering experience with it. But perhaps that is why we were "silly" enough to even becoming foster parents? I'll be the first to admit that you do have to be a little crazy to subject yourself to the anguish that comes with this path, but Jesus set the prime example when he willingly took the anguish of the cross. And defeating sin. And conquering death. And putting up with ME. He decides to accept the pain of my disobedience over and over again for the sake of my soul. He loves me that much.
And can't I love our boys and our future adopted child(ren) that much? Yep. Not that I'll be anywhere close to loving them like the Savior can, but I can try my darnedest (with God's powerful guidance and help) to be the example my kids need to rest assured on the salvation provided only through Christ. To "know that they know" that sacrifice is worth it, and pain will be worth it, and that this life is merely a minuscule drop of existence in comparison to all eternity.
So, no I am not the Rescuer. And thank you, Lord, for reminding me.
It's not that I'm done with life, or the pursuit of adoption, or the frustrations that come with doing God's will. Nope, not that at all! I am however done with the idea that my plan for our family is better than God's plan. And I'm done using my worldly wisdom to try and make sense of spiritual matters that can only be explained by God's sovereignty.
Momma Leah still misses Baby M. I am Sovereign.
Sentimental Leah wishes to see Baby S's smile one more time. I am Sovereign.
Angry Leah still wants to act out in incredible ways over the whole Baby K ordeal. I am Sovereign.
Rescuer Leah still desires to save all the children in the world who need a loving family.
Wait a minute, hold up. It's time we get something straight.
YOU are not the Rescuer. You are my child. Yes, I have called you to be on a difficult path, but don't mistake your grief as a sign of My absent love. Don't mistake your disappointments as My lack of provision. Don't let what has happened to your family keep you from pressing on. Because, Leah, I love you so much. I love you enough to not give you everything you "think" you need. I love you enough to say, "Not this time." I love you enough to plan something great for your family. Do you still trust Me?
Just when I think I'm really starting to learn what this whole "taking up your cross" command is, the Lord steps in to infiltrate my ill-informed perception. Over the last couple of weeks, we have started a new biblically-based adoption training and the personal insight God has given me of our family is overwhelming. And Carey agrees. When we discuss the immense spiritual growth we are experiencing, we can do nothing but praise God for his omniscience. And we are so excited to one day see the end result of his plan! All of the studying, toiling, trying new methods (some that succeed and some that fail), pulling out hair, and spiritual exhaustion is worth it. It is so worth it!
Before we became foster parents we were very naive. Of course, naivety is always present to a certain extent when you try something new, but there was also a "life" naivety for both of us. We thought our lives before becoming foster parents were stressful, but in all actuality they weren't. We thought we knew what evil was without really having a single first-handed, gut-wrenching, sobering experience with it. But perhaps that is why we were "silly" enough to even becoming foster parents? I'll be the first to admit that you do have to be a little crazy to subject yourself to the anguish that comes with this path, but Jesus set the prime example when he willingly took the anguish of the cross. And defeating sin. And conquering death. And putting up with ME. He decides to accept the pain of my disobedience over and over again for the sake of my soul. He loves me that much.
And can't I love our boys and our future adopted child(ren) that much? Yep. Not that I'll be anywhere close to loving them like the Savior can, but I can try my darnedest (with God's powerful guidance and help) to be the example my kids need to rest assured on the salvation provided only through Christ. To "know that they know" that sacrifice is worth it, and pain will be worth it, and that this life is merely a minuscule drop of existence in comparison to all eternity.
So, no I am not the Rescuer. And thank you, Lord, for reminding me.
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
"NO!"
Carey and I have a guilty pleasure: We love watching the American version of "The Office" on Netflix, and we have even lost count of how many times we've watched the series all the way through! And while the show certainly isn't "innocent," there are some themes that I can most assuredly say the producers didn't intend to have spiritual meaning...but they do.
Ok, and as a disclaimer, I'm not saying that "The Office" should be watched to gain spiritual growth. Just thought I'd put that out there...But there is something very real to be said for the Lord using our sense of humor to get a point across.
For instance, there is a character named D'Angelo (played by Will Ferrell) who was the new boss for several episodes. One of the aspects of this character was that he had formerly been obese, so D'Angelo was very serious about eating healthy. However, in one episode there was a party with a cake. D'Angelo, experiencing a moment of weakness, cut a corner of the cake and began eating it with his bare hand. Upon realizing the absurdity of his actions, he then threw the cake in the trash...only to come back for another corner a few seconds later. He again came to his senses and threw the second piece of cake in the trash. Then D'Angelo leaned over the cake, with his nose almost touching the frosting, and yelled, "NO!" And all hysteria breaks loose between Carey and I when we watch the scene!
The thing is I feel like D'Angelo: the cake is my weariness, fear, and anxiety over what will come next for our family. I keep picking up those pieces, with my bare hands, only to be knocked on the head by the Spirit to throw those pieces IN THE TRASH! Sin is disguised as having control, so I pick it up. But now I'm done. I'm going to start yelling, "NO!" to the sin that is trying to pull me under. I'm going to start shouting, "NOT TODAY, SIN!" when anxiousness crouches at the door of my heart. I'm going to live, move, and breathe the fact that God is control of even my most outrageous emotions and let. Him. Be. God!
And I couldn't think of a better day to start. Tonight we will begin a six-week, biblically-based adoption course, and I am so excited to see how God moves and leads us through the teaching and fellowship.
But, this message isn't simply for me or I wouldn't have shared it. Is there something in your life grasping for control? Do you feel suffocated by fear, anxiety, or insecurity? Yell, "NO!" my friend. And yell it over and over again until you believe it. Because God's got you, and he's got me, and he's got a whole lot of fire power between what he promises and what he does.
"To him be glory both now and forever! Amen." - 2 Peter 3:18b
Ok, and as a disclaimer, I'm not saying that "The Office" should be watched to gain spiritual growth. Just thought I'd put that out there...But there is something very real to be said for the Lord using our sense of humor to get a point across.
For instance, there is a character named D'Angelo (played by Will Ferrell) who was the new boss for several episodes. One of the aspects of this character was that he had formerly been obese, so D'Angelo was very serious about eating healthy. However, in one episode there was a party with a cake. D'Angelo, experiencing a moment of weakness, cut a corner of the cake and began eating it with his bare hand. Upon realizing the absurdity of his actions, he then threw the cake in the trash...only to come back for another corner a few seconds later. He again came to his senses and threw the second piece of cake in the trash. Then D'Angelo leaned over the cake, with his nose almost touching the frosting, and yelled, "NO!" And all hysteria breaks loose between Carey and I when we watch the scene!
The thing is I feel like D'Angelo: the cake is my weariness, fear, and anxiety over what will come next for our family. I keep picking up those pieces, with my bare hands, only to be knocked on the head by the Spirit to throw those pieces IN THE TRASH! Sin is disguised as having control, so I pick it up. But now I'm done. I'm going to start yelling, "NO!" to the sin that is trying to pull me under. I'm going to start shouting, "NOT TODAY, SIN!" when anxiousness crouches at the door of my heart. I'm going to live, move, and breathe the fact that God is control of even my most outrageous emotions and let. Him. Be. God!
And I couldn't think of a better day to start. Tonight we will begin a six-week, biblically-based adoption course, and I am so excited to see how God moves and leads us through the teaching and fellowship.
But, this message isn't simply for me or I wouldn't have shared it. Is there something in your life grasping for control? Do you feel suffocated by fear, anxiety, or insecurity? Yell, "NO!" my friend. And yell it over and over again until you believe it. Because God's got you, and he's got me, and he's got a whole lot of fire power between what he promises and what he does.
"To him be glory both now and forever! Amen." - 2 Peter 3:18b
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Thoughts (and the Book of Acts Reading Plan)
"Would I be willing to risk my safety to obey God's calling on my
life? Is the fear of danger keeping me from wholeheartedly serving him?"
I thought this would be a simple post.
The Lord has put it on my heart to start sharing some bible reading plans to encourage others in their faith. However, when I re-read day 21 it LEAPT OFF THE PAGE. It literally leapt. Off. The. Page.
You see, God put these questions on my heart several months ago before all the junk happened: the false accusations and such. And we are taking steps in another direction now (which I will share more about in the next several weeks as everything falls into place). What started as excitement quickly turned into urgency and then went on to despair and fear. And I know the Lord doesn't want me to fear...today he is especially assuring my heart that whatever happens will be good. It's hard to begin the process of moving on from a past calling and into a new one, but God's word has once again shown itself faithful through my own imperfect recollections.
We've all been through "stuff." None of it is the same "stuff," but that's besides the point. All of the junk that has encroached on our lives can cause depression if we give it that power, but I choose to remember instead the number of times God has shown up. His record in my life is approximately 10,000:0.
So, as the record has shown, I need not fear.
I pray this reading plan blesses you as it has me!
ACTS (20 days)
- Chapters 1-2 - How can I express to others how I have been changed by Christ's resurrection and the gift of the Holy Spirit? What does God want me to do as a part of his great plan?
- Chapters 3-4 - How can I prepare to witness to others when good things happen? What evidences are in my life that I "have been with Jesus?"
- Chapter 5 - What warning should I receive when others are judged by God because of personal sin? How can I biblically respond to persecution?
- Chapters 6-7 - How might God want to use me today to fill a need? Am I willing to risk my very life for the sake of the gospel?
- Chapter 8 - Why does being sensitive to the Holy Spirit matter? What distractions do I need to limit in my life?
- Chapter 9 - What does Saul's conversion teach me about God's mercy? How do I know when someone has truly come into a relationship with Jesus Christ?
- Chapters 10-11 - What can I do to become better unified with other believers? How may God want me to reach others who are outside of my daily influence?
- Chapters 12-13 - What does God want me to understand in the midst of persecution? How can I help spread the gospel through missions?
- Chapters 14-15 - How does struggle in my service to the Lord strengthen my faith? How can I encourage unity among other believers when disagreements arise?
- Chapter16 - What does God want me to do in the midst of unfair treatment? How should my reactions to the trials of life be different, and why do my reactions matter?
- Chapters 17-18 - What does the Lord want me to keep sight of when others refuse Him? How can I become more comfortable with sharing my faith?
- Chapters 19-20 - What should be my role in the event of outlandish claims made against brothers and sisters of the faith? Who has been a positive example on my faith and how can I be an example for someone else?
- Chapter 21 - Would I be willing to risk my safety to obey God's calling on my life? Is the fear of danger keeping me from wholeheartedly serving him?
- Chapter 22 - What "citizenship" has God given me to use for his glory? How can I minister to other people groups for the cause of Christ?
- Chapter 23 - What situation in my life desperately needs God's wisdom? What comforts me as I experience struggles and trials?
- Chapter 24 - How should I respond to corrupt authority? What character strengths has God given me to handle unfairness?
- Chapter 25 - Am I more often patient or impatient when a lack of discernment affects my life? What does God want me to learn through such circumstances?
- Chapter 26 - What is my defense when others challenge my faith? Why is an appropriate response important?
- Chapter 27 - What Godly wisdom can I bring to earthly catastrophes? How can my influence make a difference and save lives?
- Chapter 28 - In what area(s) of my faith do I need to persevere? To whom am I called to minister?
Monday, August 29, 2016
Joy and Peace
The last couple of weeks have certainly been challenging, but I'm amazed at how the Lord is transforming my heart! He has given me new joy for my children, an enriched appreciation and love for my husband, and the desire to continue pushing forward in faith for whatever he has in store for our family. It is a very exciting time!
The joy of being within God's will is indescribable. I am so thankful that in the midst of struggles I never have to doubt that I am his.
Our adventures include my new role as Children's Director at church, Carey's upcoming 31st birthday (we love spoiling him!), and praying about where/how God may be leading us to adopt now. We are waiting to have some questions answered regarding our foster care license because there may be some issues if we decide to adopt a child through another means. It is possible our license could be suspended for a matter of time (or worse) if we adopt outside of CPS. While this is a little scary, and we certainly don't want anything to happen to our license, we have complete peace from God that whatever happens is supposed to happen and it's all in his hands. But we hope to hear back sometime this week that we can be placed back on the CPU list again and become available for temporary, respite placements for foster children.
When Carey and I have discussed what God may be doing through everything we've experienced as foster parents, we agree that, regardless of the results, we smile when we think of the precious baby girls we've had the honor of welcoming into our home. We are overjoyed that M will be adopted soon by her aunt and uncle. We are glad that S's removal from her family was the motivation needed for her grandmother to make better choices. We are still sad and miss K, but are assured that we did what we could to help her. And the things I've learned about God - deep, personal, emotional things - could not have been learned any other way. When I thought I was breaking down, the Lord was actually building me up. Now I can say there is some grit to my faith. Now I can say with all my soul, "But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble (Psalm 59:16)." Knowing pain means knowing Christ. And while that makes no earthly sense, I cling to it with perseverance.
Now there seems to be a "shift" coming, and it feels similar to the initial inklings God gave me before we began looking into foster care. We know that it is all about God's timing, but I especially feel an increased urge to pursue a specific orphan we have been praying for since last year. But God always affirms these major callings in both of our hearts if it is something we need to do, so prayers for patience (for me) and clarity (for both of us) would be much appreciated!
I don't know what on earth God is doing now in our family, but I am thankful he's given us the strength to continue on the journey. And THANK YOU for being a part!!! :)
The joy of being within God's will is indescribable. I am so thankful that in the midst of struggles I never have to doubt that I am his.
Our adventures include my new role as Children's Director at church, Carey's upcoming 31st birthday (we love spoiling him!), and praying about where/how God may be leading us to adopt now. We are waiting to have some questions answered regarding our foster care license because there may be some issues if we decide to adopt a child through another means. It is possible our license could be suspended for a matter of time (or worse) if we adopt outside of CPS. While this is a little scary, and we certainly don't want anything to happen to our license, we have complete peace from God that whatever happens is supposed to happen and it's all in his hands. But we hope to hear back sometime this week that we can be placed back on the CPU list again and become available for temporary, respite placements for foster children.
When Carey and I have discussed what God may be doing through everything we've experienced as foster parents, we agree that, regardless of the results, we smile when we think of the precious baby girls we've had the honor of welcoming into our home. We are overjoyed that M will be adopted soon by her aunt and uncle. We are glad that S's removal from her family was the motivation needed for her grandmother to make better choices. We are still sad and miss K, but are assured that we did what we could to help her. And the things I've learned about God - deep, personal, emotional things - could not have been learned any other way. When I thought I was breaking down, the Lord was actually building me up. Now I can say there is some grit to my faith. Now I can say with all my soul, "But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble (Psalm 59:16)." Knowing pain means knowing Christ. And while that makes no earthly sense, I cling to it with perseverance.
Now there seems to be a "shift" coming, and it feels similar to the initial inklings God gave me before we began looking into foster care. We know that it is all about God's timing, but I especially feel an increased urge to pursue a specific orphan we have been praying for since last year. But God always affirms these major callings in both of our hearts if it is something we need to do, so prayers for patience (for me) and clarity (for both of us) would be much appreciated!
I don't know what on earth God is doing now in our family, but I am thankful he's given us the strength to continue on the journey. And THANK YOU for being a part!!! :)
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Bible Reading Plan (#1)
The Lord has put something on my heart over the last few months. As I have read and studied his word, I started compiling questions to help me evaluate my faith and daily actions. This activity has been so incredibly beneficial to my growth in Christ through recent trials and struggles, so now I would like to share this process with the hope that it will help someone else!
First, I didn't re-invent the wheel here, okay? ;) The format is quite ordinary with an assigned bible passage for each day and two follow-up questions. But the difference is in the substance of the questions: they are real, they cut to the heart, and they are usually hard to swallow. It's challenging to take an honest look at my actions, words, and motives, but God has used these types of questions to equip my faith and encourage me to stop "messing around" in my relationship with him. And it has lead to immense fellowship!
You can either read the passages each day and simply reflect on the questions as the Spirit reveals what he has for you, or you may write your answers in a journal. But it's important to know that these questions won't mean anything if you haven't accepted Jesus as your Savior. Not simply "believe" in God - you must have a personal relationship with Jesus. If that concept sounds foreign to you, then please message/text/email/call me! I would love to show you through God's word how to receive the assurance of salvation.
While "Journey to Grace" is an adoption blog, it's important for readers to know the foundation of my faith (and "why" I do what I do). This first set of readings is only a week long, but I thought it would be a good place to start. I pray this plan will bless your heart!
1 & 2 PETER (7 days)
First, I didn't re-invent the wheel here, okay? ;) The format is quite ordinary with an assigned bible passage for each day and two follow-up questions. But the difference is in the substance of the questions: they are real, they cut to the heart, and they are usually hard to swallow. It's challenging to take an honest look at my actions, words, and motives, but God has used these types of questions to equip my faith and encourage me to stop "messing around" in my relationship with him. And it has lead to immense fellowship!
You can either read the passages each day and simply reflect on the questions as the Spirit reveals what he has for you, or you may write your answers in a journal. But it's important to know that these questions won't mean anything if you haven't accepted Jesus as your Savior. Not simply "believe" in God - you must have a personal relationship with Jesus. If that concept sounds foreign to you, then please message/text/email/call me! I would love to show you through God's word how to receive the assurance of salvation.
While "Journey to Grace" is an adoption blog, it's important for readers to know the foundation of my faith (and "why" I do what I do). This first set of readings is only a week long, but I thought it would be a good place to start. I pray this plan will bless your heart!
1 & 2 PETER (7 days)
- 1 Peter 1 - How do I know God will help me through trials? In what way(s) do I need to "be [more] holy" like God?
- 1 Peter 2 - How should I respond when faced with rejection and/or insults? What will happen when I respond to evil in biblical ways?
- 1 Peter 3 - What can I do to be like-hearted with my spouse and others? How has the Lord allowed me to suffer for doing good?
- 1 Peter 4 - How does my suffering and/or service bring glory to God? What must I do to stay obedient even through trials?
- 1 Peter 5 - How can I be a godly leader or example for others today? What area(s) of my life do I need to fully surrender to God so I may be aware of Satan's schemes?
- 2 Peter 1-2 - What would the Lord like to improve in my service (within my calling)? How can I battle against false teachers and destructive ideologies in a Christ-like way?
- 2 Peter 3 - What earthly temptations battle for my attention? How can I continue guarding my life against sin as I look forward to Christ's return?
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Another Door Closed
I've been dreading this post for days, as I've been afraid my human frustration and anger would take control and belittle the authority of God. However, the Lord has recently given me the stable assurance I need to share with everyone what has happened in the past week. So, to him be the glory!
Last Friday, beautiful Baby K was removed from our home. I received a call around noon and by 2:30 she was gone. Just. Like. That. When I asked the caseworker why the removal was occurring, all he could say was that a few people involved in her case had gone through the proper channels to make it happen. Papers had been signed, we had been notified, and so we scrambled to gather her things and say goodbye.
It's important to understand something: In Texas, foster children can be removed from their foster homes within 45 days for no reason. So, that means if the right people decide to pull a kid from any foster home within that time frame then they can do it. Yes, it's harmful to the children and families involved, but when a certain combination of political powers come to play their game then those kinds of considerations have no gravity. This was the case for us. And what made it even more horrible was the invention of accusations to "seal the deal." Instead of just removing K because they could, reports were filed. And emails were sent. And calls were made. But, thanks to the Lord, we were not the only ones outraged - numerous CPS professionals assured us that we were not alone in our frustration. And they assured us that we had done nothing wrong. It was simply the politics of the situation.
But what about our four-year-old son who sobbed when I told him Baby K was being removed? And what about the anger our extended family and friends have also experienced because of this injustice? The truth is K's removal from our home WAS NOT in her best interest. However, being able to look back on how volatile the case was, I'm starting to understand that it was probably in our family's best interest for her to go. And how that hurts my heart!!! Oh, how I wanted to be the one to advocate for her, and love her, and teach her how to walk, and throw her a princess birthday party, and protect her from evil, and help her grow...I could go on and on. But that's not what the Lord asked of me. So, I cling to his plan - his good, loving, and perfect plan. What has happened makes no earthly sense, but I know God will use it for his glory. He will use my sorrow and anger to refine my faith. He will create something beautiful from these ashes, because he has done it before.
I cried out to the Lord the day K was removed. I told him I didn't want to foster any more babies because it was too painful and the cost was too great. The Spirit was silent for a moment, but then he said, "Do you really think that little of me? Do you really think I can't heal this hurt?" Oh, Lord, forgive me!
Before I woke K up from her nap to get her ready, I prayed and asked God to send me every angel of protection he could spare. And what I experienced instead was the literal feeling of a Savior holding me in my immense sorrow. An instant strength filled my bones. He helped me rise up, wake up the smiling girl who had claimed my heart, and speak words of protection over her. He helped me pack the new clothes that still had tags and find the unopened diapers. He encouraged my heart to write a note to the new foster family so they would have an idea of her schedule and eating habits. And he beckoned me to memorize K's lively gaze and spunky pigtail. And the hardest part was knowing that she, like our other two foster babies, would at least for a short time search for my arms and listen for my voice. Only to find neither. But it's okay, because God knows. He knows. Brokenness is not unfamiliar to the Lord, and I am so thankful that he sympathizes with us in our weaknesses.
So, Carey and I are in uncharted territory! We feel a shift in what God wants to do through us, but not a shift in our calling to adopt or the desire to have a daughter. We see now that everything we have been through as foster parents may have been the only way for God to get us where he wants us to be, even if adopting a baby from foster care isn't the end result. That's the result we had hoped for, but the evidence is now pointing in other directions. We want to maintain our foster care license for the sake of ministry, but we are seeking clarity as to whether or not that means we will eventually welcome another baby into our home or only offer temporary respite care for other foster families. We had assumed that adoption and having a daughter would occur within the same event, but now we see those may be two totally different paths. We are earnestly seeking God's guidance and leading on where to go from here. As this last door with Baby K has been closed by a loving Savior, we lean on him and not our own understanding.
We know we are not alone in our mourning over K's removal. And we also know we are not alone in praying on her behalf. Friends, thank you for encouraging us, listening to our anger, crying with us, and simply for being there. God has blessed us with your friendship and love.
Last Friday, beautiful Baby K was removed from our home. I received a call around noon and by 2:30 she was gone. Just. Like. That. When I asked the caseworker why the removal was occurring, all he could say was that a few people involved in her case had gone through the proper channels to make it happen. Papers had been signed, we had been notified, and so we scrambled to gather her things and say goodbye.
It's important to understand something: In Texas, foster children can be removed from their foster homes within 45 days for no reason. So, that means if the right people decide to pull a kid from any foster home within that time frame then they can do it. Yes, it's harmful to the children and families involved, but when a certain combination of political powers come to play their game then those kinds of considerations have no gravity. This was the case for us. And what made it even more horrible was the invention of accusations to "seal the deal." Instead of just removing K because they could, reports were filed. And emails were sent. And calls were made. But, thanks to the Lord, we were not the only ones outraged - numerous CPS professionals assured us that we were not alone in our frustration. And they assured us that we had done nothing wrong. It was simply the politics of the situation.
But what about our four-year-old son who sobbed when I told him Baby K was being removed? And what about the anger our extended family and friends have also experienced because of this injustice? The truth is K's removal from our home WAS NOT in her best interest. However, being able to look back on how volatile the case was, I'm starting to understand that it was probably in our family's best interest for her to go. And how that hurts my heart!!! Oh, how I wanted to be the one to advocate for her, and love her, and teach her how to walk, and throw her a princess birthday party, and protect her from evil, and help her grow...I could go on and on. But that's not what the Lord asked of me. So, I cling to his plan - his good, loving, and perfect plan. What has happened makes no earthly sense, but I know God will use it for his glory. He will use my sorrow and anger to refine my faith. He will create something beautiful from these ashes, because he has done it before.
I cried out to the Lord the day K was removed. I told him I didn't want to foster any more babies because it was too painful and the cost was too great. The Spirit was silent for a moment, but then he said, "Do you really think that little of me? Do you really think I can't heal this hurt?" Oh, Lord, forgive me!
Before I woke K up from her nap to get her ready, I prayed and asked God to send me every angel of protection he could spare. And what I experienced instead was the literal feeling of a Savior holding me in my immense sorrow. An instant strength filled my bones. He helped me rise up, wake up the smiling girl who had claimed my heart, and speak words of protection over her. He helped me pack the new clothes that still had tags and find the unopened diapers. He encouraged my heart to write a note to the new foster family so they would have an idea of her schedule and eating habits. And he beckoned me to memorize K's lively gaze and spunky pigtail. And the hardest part was knowing that she, like our other two foster babies, would at least for a short time search for my arms and listen for my voice. Only to find neither. But it's okay, because God knows. He knows. Brokenness is not unfamiliar to the Lord, and I am so thankful that he sympathizes with us in our weaknesses.
So, Carey and I are in uncharted territory! We feel a shift in what God wants to do through us, but not a shift in our calling to adopt or the desire to have a daughter. We see now that everything we have been through as foster parents may have been the only way for God to get us where he wants us to be, even if adopting a baby from foster care isn't the end result. That's the result we had hoped for, but the evidence is now pointing in other directions. We want to maintain our foster care license for the sake of ministry, but we are seeking clarity as to whether or not that means we will eventually welcome another baby into our home or only offer temporary respite care for other foster families. We had assumed that adoption and having a daughter would occur within the same event, but now we see those may be two totally different paths. We are earnestly seeking God's guidance and leading on where to go from here. As this last door with Baby K has been closed by a loving Savior, we lean on him and not our own understanding.
We know we are not alone in our mourning over K's removal. And we also know we are not alone in praying on her behalf. Friends, thank you for encouraging us, listening to our anger, crying with us, and simply for being there. God has blessed us with your friendship and love.
Monday, August 1, 2016
The List
At least a couple times a month we receive emails containing the information for all the adoptable children in the state of Texas. While it's certainly understandable that receiving such an email would be heartbreaking, I've found myself becoming more angry as the list of children grows. Not frustrated, not irritated, but ANGRY. Remember when Jesus flipped the money-changers' tables in the temple? Yep, that's the anger I'm talking about.
I'm angry that Satan continues to pour the lie into my heart that, "I'm not doing enough." The assurance of our calling is continually challenged by this pipsqueak who would love nothing more than to help us become disheartened and overwhelmed. He destroys families, and often it's simple to accomplish. How do I know? Because the list keeps growing. Kids continue to be abused, neglected, and separated from their families. So my anger toward Satan's lies leads me to quick repentance before God lest sin overtake my life and my family.
I'm also angry that the government is responsible for taking care of these kids. Public servants sure try their best to care for the kids who come into foster care, but nothing can replace the church. Nothing can replace the Christ-filled hearts God has transformed to fill the gap. And many Christians are already involved in this specific life-saving work, but I wonder how much more could be done if the entire church of God united with one voice to say, "NO MORE!" Imagine a glimpse of the glory we would experience if we refused sin a place in our own homes, neighborhoods, and communities. Because, let's not forget, sin starts in the heart and pushes outward to affect everything. It pushes outward toward children and leaves them helpless and at the mercy of the state. What if EVERY CHRISTIAN in this country was doing something to battle this crisis? I dare say there would no longer be a crisis. And action doesn't mean everyone becomes a foster parent: it means we become more involved in our communities, actually take the time each day to pray like true Jesus-warriors, and stand up for what is right by living our faith instead of merely complaining or debating politics on Facebook. My anger makes me fight harder and live more intentionally for the things that truly affect the cause of the gospel.
I'm angry that so much of our money in this country is spent on programs that are supposed to "help" needy families and the problem is only getting worse. As if throwing money and programs at destitute children can bring their families back. As if it can erase the years of abuse and neglect. As if it is an okay-enough band-aid to heal hearts. Wake up, world, and realize that only Jesus can fix anything. Wake up, politicians, and realize that you are making things worse with your self-proclaimed "wisdom". Wake up, CHRISTIANS, and cause a stink! We are better than this. We can no longer ignore the fact that we are financially bleeding to death and that the funeral is drawing nearer as we continue to turn from God.
I'm angry that God hasn't called me to do more. This kind of anger, of course, is very sinful. When I question why He hasn't given me more responsibility then I question His sovereignty and perfect will. I pridefully ascertain that I know more about my limits and abilities than He does. This anger steals my joy and my peace, and it assumes that God's heart isn't also breaking into a million pieces over every child who needs a home. Lord, forgive me. You know the pain so much more than I ever could. Help me serve within the parameters You have lovingly set.
I invite you to be righteously, but not sinfully, angry with me. I invite you to face the uncomfortable truth of neglected children with square shoulders and a determined grit. I dare you to step into what's foreign to experience what's divine. I challenge you to be Christ to the world, not simply a loud opinion. And while this is a more serious post, I know the message has purpose. And I'm thankful for purpose.
I'm angry that Satan continues to pour the lie into my heart that, "I'm not doing enough." The assurance of our calling is continually challenged by this pipsqueak who would love nothing more than to help us become disheartened and overwhelmed. He destroys families, and often it's simple to accomplish. How do I know? Because the list keeps growing. Kids continue to be abused, neglected, and separated from their families. So my anger toward Satan's lies leads me to quick repentance before God lest sin overtake my life and my family.
I'm also angry that the government is responsible for taking care of these kids. Public servants sure try their best to care for the kids who come into foster care, but nothing can replace the church. Nothing can replace the Christ-filled hearts God has transformed to fill the gap. And many Christians are already involved in this specific life-saving work, but I wonder how much more could be done if the entire church of God united with one voice to say, "NO MORE!" Imagine a glimpse of the glory we would experience if we refused sin a place in our own homes, neighborhoods, and communities. Because, let's not forget, sin starts in the heart and pushes outward to affect everything. It pushes outward toward children and leaves them helpless and at the mercy of the state. What if EVERY CHRISTIAN in this country was doing something to battle this crisis? I dare say there would no longer be a crisis. And action doesn't mean everyone becomes a foster parent: it means we become more involved in our communities, actually take the time each day to pray like true Jesus-warriors, and stand up for what is right by living our faith instead of merely complaining or debating politics on Facebook. My anger makes me fight harder and live more intentionally for the things that truly affect the cause of the gospel.
I'm angry that so much of our money in this country is spent on programs that are supposed to "help" needy families and the problem is only getting worse. As if throwing money and programs at destitute children can bring their families back. As if it can erase the years of abuse and neglect. As if it is an okay-enough band-aid to heal hearts. Wake up, world, and realize that only Jesus can fix anything. Wake up, politicians, and realize that you are making things worse with your self-proclaimed "wisdom". Wake up, CHRISTIANS, and cause a stink! We are better than this. We can no longer ignore the fact that we are financially bleeding to death and that the funeral is drawing nearer as we continue to turn from God.
I'm angry that God hasn't called me to do more. This kind of anger, of course, is very sinful. When I question why He hasn't given me more responsibility then I question His sovereignty and perfect will. I pridefully ascertain that I know more about my limits and abilities than He does. This anger steals my joy and my peace, and it assumes that God's heart isn't also breaking into a million pieces over every child who needs a home. Lord, forgive me. You know the pain so much more than I ever could. Help me serve within the parameters You have lovingly set.
I invite you to be righteously, but not sinfully, angry with me. I invite you to face the uncomfortable truth of neglected children with square shoulders and a determined grit. I dare you to step into what's foreign to experience what's divine. I challenge you to be Christ to the world, not simply a loud opinion. And while this is a more serious post, I know the message has purpose. And I'm thankful for purpose.
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Our New Sweetie!
"Hello, Mrs. Leah?"
"Yes, that's me. Do you have a baby girl who needs a home?"
"Yes, I sure do! You are the first person I called. Here's what I know..."
After four weeks of accepting calls, we started to learn the CPU ("Child Placing Unit") workers' names! This particular worker, we'll call her Gloria, had called several times before and mentioned that she was keeping a special eye out for a baby for us. And when I heard her voice I just knew it was finally going to happen. She was the same one who had called about Baby S. Gloria told us everything she knew about Baby K and I could barely keep from interrupting her with a loud "YES!" My heart was about to jump out of my chest as the Lord's peace ripped all my previous anxiety and anticipation to shreds. The last week of waiting had been especially hard and prayers were the only thing holding my emotions together. When I felt overwhelmed, I prayed. When I felt impatient, I prayed. When I felt bored, irritated, and annoyed at life, I prayed. And then I cleaned my house! So, I'm very happy to say that my prayer life has never been better and my house has never been cleaner, ha!
For weeks I had felt like the Lord was saying, "Today is the day!" Turned out it was just my own excitement throwing me for a loop, because then I did actually hear the Lord say, "She's coming today." His voice was quite different than the voices my own brain had created: his was gentle, mine was boisterous. His was calming, mine was prideful. His voice only came after diligent, knee-felt prayer that resulted in tired shoulders and stiff legs. His voice was only audible when I was ready to listen with all of my being. And, even then, God's voice wasn't loud. I very well could have missed his words, so I am thankful he opened my heart to listen. And then, at 7:30 in the evening, we received the call!
We still don't know much about Baby K, but we do know she came into care when her mother left her with a friend and never came back. We have no idea why this happened, but after briefly interacting with K's mom at the first family visit the Lord impressed on my heart that K's abandonment was not because her mother intentionally left her but because she felt she had no other option. It was easy to see that she desperately loves her child (as any mother would). However, the expression on K's face when her mother first picked her up was blank and emotionless. It was like K didn't even know her. And I think back about that interaction and wonder if I'm just being judgmental, but I can't get K's look of confusion out of my mind. And I can't get the feeling of sorrow out of my heart for the mother who is attempting to get her child back but has many obstacles to overcome. This broken family stuff is such a mess! All I can do is continue praying for God's will to be done in K's life just like we did for M and S.
Precious K is full of life and happiness! Her endless smiles and chatter are a delight, and her wild hair seems to perfectly represent her vivacious personality. She hasn't met a food she doesn't like, so she's quite a hefty girl. And she doesn't hold still for very long because she either chases the boys around the house or follows me around from room to room like a little puppy. It's a common occurrence to hear her babbling "ma-ma" when she's sad or wants something and "da-da" when she's feeling especially silly (go figure). Baby K will be one-year-old in October, and I'd be willing to bet she'll be walking way before then! She also likes to blow raspberries, which our boys think is absolutely hilarious. The challenges so far include feeding her enough at each meal (lol) and figuring out which clothes she's already outgrown. And with today marking a week that she's been in our home, we sure are glad to have her lively presence bring even more joy to our family.
We found out a few days ago that Baby K has the SAME JUDGE as Baby M! This is an amazing blessing. I look forward to attending her hearings and being able to express K's wonderful progress and happiness to the judge who was so encouraging when M left. As a child of God, I don't believe in coincidences, so this was one of those "Hey, Leah, look at this impossible thing I just made happen" moments from God. He is so amazing!!! All glory to the Lord.
Please pray for us as we wait for K's insurance information to arrive (she came to us with no medical records). Also, K's mother only speaks Spanish, so I will be writing and translating a letter to give her at the next family visit. I don't know exactly what I will write yet...but I know the Lord will give me the words. Please pray that my words would provide healing, encouragement, and support to K's mother. And thank you for the many ways you all support our family! We are blessed beyond measure to have such a great "village" of family members, friends, and church family to help us along this journey.
The "grit" in my faith - the result of sufferings, trials, and losses - is spreading a message of sacrifice within
"Yes, that's me. Do you have a baby girl who needs a home?"
"Yes, I sure do! You are the first person I called. Here's what I know..."
After four weeks of accepting calls, we started to learn the CPU ("Child Placing Unit") workers' names! This particular worker, we'll call her Gloria, had called several times before and mentioned that she was keeping a special eye out for a baby for us. And when I heard her voice I just knew it was finally going to happen. She was the same one who had called about Baby S. Gloria told us everything she knew about Baby K and I could barely keep from interrupting her with a loud "YES!" My heart was about to jump out of my chest as the Lord's peace ripped all my previous anxiety and anticipation to shreds. The last week of waiting had been especially hard and prayers were the only thing holding my emotions together. When I felt overwhelmed, I prayed. When I felt impatient, I prayed. When I felt bored, irritated, and annoyed at life, I prayed. And then I cleaned my house! So, I'm very happy to say that my prayer life has never been better and my house has never been cleaner, ha!
For weeks I had felt like the Lord was saying, "Today is the day!" Turned out it was just my own excitement throwing me for a loop, because then I did actually hear the Lord say, "She's coming today." His voice was quite different than the voices my own brain had created: his was gentle, mine was boisterous. His was calming, mine was prideful. His voice only came after diligent, knee-felt prayer that resulted in tired shoulders and stiff legs. His voice was only audible when I was ready to listen with all of my being. And, even then, God's voice wasn't loud. I very well could have missed his words, so I am thankful he opened my heart to listen. And then, at 7:30 in the evening, we received the call!
We still don't know much about Baby K, but we do know she came into care when her mother left her with a friend and never came back. We have no idea why this happened, but after briefly interacting with K's mom at the first family visit the Lord impressed on my heart that K's abandonment was not because her mother intentionally left her but because she felt she had no other option. It was easy to see that she desperately loves her child (as any mother would). However, the expression on K's face when her mother first picked her up was blank and emotionless. It was like K didn't even know her. And I think back about that interaction and wonder if I'm just being judgmental, but I can't get K's look of confusion out of my mind. And I can't get the feeling of sorrow out of my heart for the mother who is attempting to get her child back but has many obstacles to overcome. This broken family stuff is such a mess! All I can do is continue praying for God's will to be done in K's life just like we did for M and S.
Precious K is full of life and happiness! Her endless smiles and chatter are a delight, and her wild hair seems to perfectly represent her vivacious personality. She hasn't met a food she doesn't like, so she's quite a hefty girl. And she doesn't hold still for very long because she either chases the boys around the house or follows me around from room to room like a little puppy. It's a common occurrence to hear her babbling "ma-ma" when she's sad or wants something and "da-da" when she's feeling especially silly (go figure). Baby K will be one-year-old in October, and I'd be willing to bet she'll be walking way before then! She also likes to blow raspberries, which our boys think is absolutely hilarious. The challenges so far include feeding her enough at each meal (lol) and figuring out which clothes she's already outgrown. And with today marking a week that she's been in our home, we sure are glad to have her lively presence bring even more joy to our family.
We found out a few days ago that Baby K has the SAME JUDGE as Baby M! This is an amazing blessing. I look forward to attending her hearings and being able to express K's wonderful progress and happiness to the judge who was so encouraging when M left. As a child of God, I don't believe in coincidences, so this was one of those "Hey, Leah, look at this impossible thing I just made happen" moments from God. He is so amazing!!! All glory to the Lord.
Please pray for us as we wait for K's insurance information to arrive (she came to us with no medical records). Also, K's mother only speaks Spanish, so I will be writing and translating a letter to give her at the next family visit. I don't know exactly what I will write yet...but I know the Lord will give me the words. Please pray that my words would provide healing, encouragement, and support to K's mother. And thank you for the many ways you all support our family! We are blessed beyond measure to have such a great "village" of family members, friends, and church family to help us along this journey.
The "grit" in my faith - the result of sufferings, trials, and losses - is spreading a message of sacrifice within
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Year 2
Last week was our one-year anniversary as foster parents! And I think, "Sheesh. It's only been ONE year?!" I say that with humor, but I also say it with the beckoning reality that this year has been wild...for a variety of reasons.
Let's review, shall we?
June 23, 2015: We said "yes" to accepting our first foster baby, a sweet 3-week-old with jet black hair and a tiny frame. We fell in love with Baby M the instant we met her!
August 2, 2015: Carey and I went on another mission trip to Costa Rica and were once again blown away by the blessings and workings of God! Such an honor to be apart.
October-November 2015: I experienced a healing miracle of God! We also dressed up as the Peter Pan crew for Halloween and celebrated M's first Thanksgiving.
December 2015: We received word that a good family match had been found for M. This was the fourth attempt to place her with family, so we were still optimistic that she would stay with us.
January 2016: We celebrated our oldest son's fourth birthday and our youngest son's 2nd birthday! We also met with M's relatives for the first time.
February 2016: We received word that Baby M would for sure be placed with her aunt and uncle. It was a very emotional month...and on top of everything, we started the process of looking for a new home closer to Carey's job!
March 2, 2016 (the date that will forever be stuck in my mind): This was the day we said goodbye to M after being her family for eight-and-a-half months. We drove to the courthouse, expressed to the judge how much we loved her, and sorrowfully went home as she was taken to her biological family. I reflect on the cute sweater outfit she was wearing and the way she grabbed my cheeks while tears fell. My soul thanks God for a tenderhearted husband who tried to pray but couldn't get the words out. I'm grateful for my mother-in-law who accompanied us and thought to take pictures of our last goodbyes. I whispered the words, "It's going to be okay," over and over as I stroked M's hair and deposited the feeling of being her mother deep into my being - I never wanted to forget what it was like to be her mother. And I still haven't forgotten.
March 18-19, 2016: We moved! The Lord blessed us with an amazing home that is FAR beyond what we could have ever imagined. It was a welcome distraction from grief, and a beautiful display of God's grace in the midst of trials.
April 2016: We made arrangements and preparations for our new home to be ready for another foster baby. It was a bit tedious, but we did it!
May 2016: Another emotional month. M celebrated her first birthday, and we also accepted our second foster baby, Baby S, into our home. It didn't take long to realize this second experience would be drastically different, but we relied on the Lord for protection and guidance.
June 2016: Baby S was returned to her grandmother after being in our care for a little over a month. Kissing her cheeks is what I miss the most, and our home is certainly different without her. We also received several "hopeful" calls for other foster babies, but none of them have panned out. God is asking us to wait again, and so we wait!
So, what is the take away?
I now understand that my definition of love wasn't love at all.
For example, I have always "loved" my husband. But that love was subconsciously under the terms of what I was getting out of the relationship. My attitude was, "What's in it for me?" Once that realization kicked in, the Lord showed me that ALL my relationships fell under this false understanding of love. It was, and still is, quite humbling. Now I seek to truly love others the way Christ loves them - with sacrifice and a willingness to see things through even when it's gut-wrenching tough! I am certainly nowhere close to being good at loving like this, but holding precious foster babies who have nothing to give in return sure is a good start.
You see, love CAN'T be self-seeking. Real love doesn't have a single ounce of pride, selfishness, or arrogance. Not a single ounce. God summed it up one day by asking me, "Will you love even when you get nothing out of it? And even when people make false accusations? And even if you get hurt? Will you love even if it costs you everything? Because that's my kind of love." This kind of sacrificial love isn't popular and it certainly doesn't meet the world's demand that, "love is love." No, friends, love isn't something we get to define to make ourselves feel better or to justify how we want to live our lives. Love is not doing whatever makes us happy so we can have temporary feelings of security and acceptance. Love transcends far beyond an emotional experience and a physical relationship. Love is something we need, yes, but more importantly it's something we must seek out in the right way so we can experience it's true fullness and peace. We have to tirelessly guard our very souls against the cheap substitutions of love that the world crams down our throats so we can sell out for real love - the Savior's love.
One of the most heartbreaking things for me is that many people want nothing to do with the very cure that will literally save their lives. All I know is Christ's love has saved my life, so I will continue on with the mission. I will continue LIVING MY FAITH because I know the suffering in this life pales in comparison to the complete fulfillment I'll receive in eternity. So, come Lord Jesus, come.
And if that's what God taught me in only the first year of fostering, I can't wait to see what he has in store for the second year.
Let's review, shall we?
June 23, 2015: We said "yes" to accepting our first foster baby, a sweet 3-week-old with jet black hair and a tiny frame. We fell in love with Baby M the instant we met her!
August 2, 2015: Carey and I went on another mission trip to Costa Rica and were once again blown away by the blessings and workings of God! Such an honor to be apart.
October-November 2015: I experienced a healing miracle of God! We also dressed up as the Peter Pan crew for Halloween and celebrated M's first Thanksgiving.
December 2015: We received word that a good family match had been found for M. This was the fourth attempt to place her with family, so we were still optimistic that she would stay with us.
January 2016: We celebrated our oldest son's fourth birthday and our youngest son's 2nd birthday! We also met with M's relatives for the first time.
February 2016: We received word that Baby M would for sure be placed with her aunt and uncle. It was a very emotional month...and on top of everything, we started the process of looking for a new home closer to Carey's job!
March 2, 2016 (the date that will forever be stuck in my mind): This was the day we said goodbye to M after being her family for eight-and-a-half months. We drove to the courthouse, expressed to the judge how much we loved her, and sorrowfully went home as she was taken to her biological family. I reflect on the cute sweater outfit she was wearing and the way she grabbed my cheeks while tears fell. My soul thanks God for a tenderhearted husband who tried to pray but couldn't get the words out. I'm grateful for my mother-in-law who accompanied us and thought to take pictures of our last goodbyes. I whispered the words, "It's going to be okay," over and over as I stroked M's hair and deposited the feeling of being her mother deep into my being - I never wanted to forget what it was like to be her mother. And I still haven't forgotten.
March 18-19, 2016: We moved! The Lord blessed us with an amazing home that is FAR beyond what we could have ever imagined. It was a welcome distraction from grief, and a beautiful display of God's grace in the midst of trials.
April 2016: We made arrangements and preparations for our new home to be ready for another foster baby. It was a bit tedious, but we did it!
May 2016: Another emotional month. M celebrated her first birthday, and we also accepted our second foster baby, Baby S, into our home. It didn't take long to realize this second experience would be drastically different, but we relied on the Lord for protection and guidance.
June 2016: Baby S was returned to her grandmother after being in our care for a little over a month. Kissing her cheeks is what I miss the most, and our home is certainly different without her. We also received several "hopeful" calls for other foster babies, but none of them have panned out. God is asking us to wait again, and so we wait!
So, what is the take away?
I now understand that my definition of love wasn't love at all.
For example, I have always "loved" my husband. But that love was subconsciously under the terms of what I was getting out of the relationship. My attitude was, "What's in it for me?" Once that realization kicked in, the Lord showed me that ALL my relationships fell under this false understanding of love. It was, and still is, quite humbling. Now I seek to truly love others the way Christ loves them - with sacrifice and a willingness to see things through even when it's gut-wrenching tough! I am certainly nowhere close to being good at loving like this, but holding precious foster babies who have nothing to give in return sure is a good start.
You see, love CAN'T be self-seeking. Real love doesn't have a single ounce of pride, selfishness, or arrogance. Not a single ounce. God summed it up one day by asking me, "Will you love even when you get nothing out of it? And even when people make false accusations? And even if you get hurt? Will you love even if it costs you everything? Because that's my kind of love." This kind of sacrificial love isn't popular and it certainly doesn't meet the world's demand that, "love is love." No, friends, love isn't something we get to define to make ourselves feel better or to justify how we want to live our lives. Love is not doing whatever makes us happy so we can have temporary feelings of security and acceptance. Love transcends far beyond an emotional experience and a physical relationship. Love is something we need, yes, but more importantly it's something we must seek out in the right way so we can experience it's true fullness and peace. We have to tirelessly guard our very souls against the cheap substitutions of love that the world crams down our throats so we can sell out for real love - the Savior's love.
One of the most heartbreaking things for me is that many people want nothing to do with the very cure that will literally save their lives. All I know is Christ's love has saved my life, so I will continue on with the mission. I will continue LIVING MY FAITH because I know the suffering in this life pales in comparison to the complete fulfillment I'll receive in eternity. So, come Lord Jesus, come.
And if that's what God taught me in only the first year of fostering, I can't wait to see what he has in store for the second year.
Friday, June 17, 2016
The "In Between"
A burp cloth here, a diaper there. Baby toys, gadgets, and bottles stay in plain view and the last of the baby girl clothes are washed and tucked away. The car seat base is still attached in the van, and the doctor's appointment for next week still needs to be cancelled. I glance through recent pictures of our boys giving Baby S kisses, hugs, and tickles. I calmly respond to our two-and-a-half-year-old when he questions Baby S's whereabouts and remind him that she is with her grandmother now. The baby sling stays heaped up the car and will eventually be pushed under the seat until it's time to be used again. The nights are oh so quiet without the occasional sound of a baby's whimpers. And my arms feel strange to not be holding Baby S.
I say all this, and I am amazed at how the Lord knits hearts together in such a short time. And I am amazed at the calmness I feel even though Baby S has left our home. We knew ahead of time that her stay with us would most likely be temporary, so that's made things a little easier. But the "in between" - waiting for the next placement (which could literally happen at ANY moment) - is such an odd experience this time. There's empty time that was once filled with feeding and caring for a baby. There are empty laps that once bounced a baby while we ate dinner. This time around I don't have my grief to keep me company, even though there certainly is some sadness. And I don't know what to do about this "weirdness." I've never experienced something like this "in between."
But I do know one thing - God doesn't want me to fear this new status. He wants me to embrace it by spending more time with my boys and pouring his love into them. Soon we'll have another foster baby, but until then I'm soaking up every extra moment of rest.
Baby S is a sweet 4-month-old. We only had her a month, but with the Lord's help we were able to get her on a good eating/sleeping schedule. Also, she barely threw any more "fits" (from not being held) by the time she left us, so I'm glad we were able to nurture her AND help her learn a little self-soothing. Watching her learn to play with toys was a sweet experience, and the way she would always smile while laying on the changing table (because she knew we would talk and sing to her) was just precious! The last night we had her she even rolled over in bed, so we were glad to have witnessed an important physical milestone. Baby S certainly made us work for her affection, but once we had it she was all smiles and sparkly eyes! She loved to be told she was pretty and we prayed over her endlessly. It was an honor to have her be a part of our family for thirty-three days.
What an adventure this is becoming! The Lord continues to refine our hearts as we serve him, and we thank you for being apart.
I say all this, and I am amazed at how the Lord knits hearts together in such a short time. And I am amazed at the calmness I feel even though Baby S has left our home. We knew ahead of time that her stay with us would most likely be temporary, so that's made things a little easier. But the "in between" - waiting for the next placement (which could literally happen at ANY moment) - is such an odd experience this time. There's empty time that was once filled with feeding and caring for a baby. There are empty laps that once bounced a baby while we ate dinner. This time around I don't have my grief to keep me company, even though there certainly is some sadness. And I don't know what to do about this "weirdness." I've never experienced something like this "in between."
But I do know one thing - God doesn't want me to fear this new status. He wants me to embrace it by spending more time with my boys and pouring his love into them. Soon we'll have another foster baby, but until then I'm soaking up every extra moment of rest.
Baby S is a sweet 4-month-old. We only had her a month, but with the Lord's help we were able to get her on a good eating/sleeping schedule. Also, she barely threw any more "fits" (from not being held) by the time she left us, so I'm glad we were able to nurture her AND help her learn a little self-soothing. Watching her learn to play with toys was a sweet experience, and the way she would always smile while laying on the changing table (because she knew we would talk and sing to her) was just precious! The last night we had her she even rolled over in bed, so we were glad to have witnessed an important physical milestone. Baby S certainly made us work for her affection, but once we had it she was all smiles and sparkly eyes! She loved to be told she was pretty and we prayed over her endlessly. It was an honor to have her be a part of our family for thirty-three days.
What an adventure this is becoming! The Lord continues to refine our hearts as we serve him, and we thank you for being apart.
Saturday, June 11, 2016
New Territory
We were warned during our training classes that it could happen. We
have heard stories of loving foster parents being drug through the mud
because of false accusations. But, until it actually happens to you,
it's easy to say, "Surely that's not reality. Surely people have more
sense than that." Well, friends, the warning is 100% true. It was fairly
easy to overlook the first occurrence of an ill-informed accusation
because we knew desperation is the motivator for such actions. However,
when the accusations keep coming it becomes hard to bear.
This week members of Baby S's family, along with one of the attorneys, made claims that no one had ever heard before in front of the judge. They implied we were intentionally harming or neglecting Baby S. Anyone who knows us understands this couldn't be farther from the truth. The absurdity makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs and demand for justice. But I know that wouldn't help anything. I know that wouldn't help our sweet foster baby.
Is it possible for me to absorb insults without retaliation? Yes. Is it possible for me to forgive those who accuse me of wrongdoing when all I've done is lovingly care for their child? Yes. Is it possible for a system so broken - a system that allows decent, well-meaning people who are trying to help to incur undeserved judgment - to turn to logic? I sure hope so. Because if there isn't hope for things to get better then I want no part of any of this mess.
But I know things will get better. I know it. God has promised us through his word and the life, death, and resurrection of his Son that he will make all things right one day. If that weren't the case, I certainly wouldn't allow myself, or my family, to go through this mess. My heart breaks for Baby S because she will be going back to her family's manipulative environment soon. So, my biggest struggle is trusting God with her life because, humanly speaking, she would be much better off with us. But, once again, I have to let the truth of God's ever-increasing, incredible, sacrificial, and matchless love for Baby S fill my mind. Otherwise, anger and bitterness try to resurface in my heart like it did right before Baby M left us. We entrust Baby S to God's plan for her life just like we do for our boys and just like we have done for Baby M. And I will say that God's peace grows with each child we have the privilege of loving, but it never gets easy. It is always hard.
The biblical story of Jochebed giving up her son, Moses, reminds me that God always has a plan for every child. Not only was Jochebed an extremely brave woman for hiding Moses as long as she could, but knowing he had a better chance floating in the Nile River than staying with her required incredible wisdom. She was desperate to save her son, even if it meant no longer being able to care for him. We find, however, that after the Egyptian princess adopted Moses she asked Jochebed to nurse him. What a blessing! Jochebed must have felt honored to receive more time with her son. So this account of Jochebed's strength, trust, and selflessness reminds me that it can't be about me if I really want to be a part of God's plan for my children. Even when they leave my home I am still their mother (even if I was with them for only a short time). I know one day I'll reap the blessings of my faithfulness, and I am so grateful that God has even chosen me for this calling.
That being said, all these false accusations are no big deal. God knows the truth - that we want to serve and please him. Even though "haters gonna hate," we know God upholds our cause and protects us.
Please continue praying for our family and precious Baby S's transition back to her family.
This week members of Baby S's family, along with one of the attorneys, made claims that no one had ever heard before in front of the judge. They implied we were intentionally harming or neglecting Baby S. Anyone who knows us understands this couldn't be farther from the truth. The absurdity makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs and demand for justice. But I know that wouldn't help anything. I know that wouldn't help our sweet foster baby.
Is it possible for me to absorb insults without retaliation? Yes. Is it possible for me to forgive those who accuse me of wrongdoing when all I've done is lovingly care for their child? Yes. Is it possible for a system so broken - a system that allows decent, well-meaning people who are trying to help to incur undeserved judgment - to turn to logic? I sure hope so. Because if there isn't hope for things to get better then I want no part of any of this mess.
But I know things will get better. I know it. God has promised us through his word and the life, death, and resurrection of his Son that he will make all things right one day. If that weren't the case, I certainly wouldn't allow myself, or my family, to go through this mess. My heart breaks for Baby S because she will be going back to her family's manipulative environment soon. So, my biggest struggle is trusting God with her life because, humanly speaking, she would be much better off with us. But, once again, I have to let the truth of God's ever-increasing, incredible, sacrificial, and matchless love for Baby S fill my mind. Otherwise, anger and bitterness try to resurface in my heart like it did right before Baby M left us. We entrust Baby S to God's plan for her life just like we do for our boys and just like we have done for Baby M. And I will say that God's peace grows with each child we have the privilege of loving, but it never gets easy. It is always hard.
The biblical story of Jochebed giving up her son, Moses, reminds me that God always has a plan for every child. Not only was Jochebed an extremely brave woman for hiding Moses as long as she could, but knowing he had a better chance floating in the Nile River than staying with her required incredible wisdom. She was desperate to save her son, even if it meant no longer being able to care for him. We find, however, that after the Egyptian princess adopted Moses she asked Jochebed to nurse him. What a blessing! Jochebed must have felt honored to receive more time with her son. So this account of Jochebed's strength, trust, and selflessness reminds me that it can't be about me if I really want to be a part of God's plan for my children. Even when they leave my home I am still their mother (even if I was with them for only a short time). I know one day I'll reap the blessings of my faithfulness, and I am so grateful that God has even chosen me for this calling.
That being said, all these false accusations are no big deal. God knows the truth - that we want to serve and please him. Even though "haters gonna hate," we know God upholds our cause and protects us.
Please continue praying for our family and precious Baby S's transition back to her family.
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