The Rescuer

Put a fork in me. I'm done.

It's not that I'm done with life, or the pursuit of adoption, or the frustrations that come with doing God's will. Nope, not that at all! I am however done with the idea that my plan for our family is better than God's plan. And I'm done using my worldly wisdom to try and make sense of spiritual matters that can only be explained by God's sovereignty.

Momma Leah still misses Baby M. I am Sovereign.

Sentimental Leah wishes to see Baby S's smile one more time. I am Sovereign.

Angry Leah still wants to act out in incredible ways over the whole Baby K ordeal. I am Sovereign.

Rescuer Leah still desires to save all the children in the world who need a loving family.

Wait a minute, hold up. It's time we get something straight.

YOU are not the Rescuer. You are my child. Yes, I have called you to be on a difficult path, but don't mistake your grief as a sign of My absent love. Don't mistake your disappointments as My lack of provision. Don't let what has happened to your family keep you from pressing on. Because, Leah, I love you so much. I love you enough to not give you everything you "think" you need. I love you enough to say, "Not this time." I love you enough to plan something great for your family. Do you still trust Me?

Just when I think I'm really starting to learn what this whole "taking up your cross" command is, the Lord steps in to infiltrate my ill-informed perception. Over the last couple of weeks, we have started a new biblically-based adoption training and the personal insight God has given me of our family is overwhelming. And Carey agrees. When we discuss the immense spiritual growth we are experiencing, we can do nothing but praise God for his omniscience. And we are so excited to one day see the end result of his plan! All of the studying, toiling, trying new methods (some that succeed and some that fail), pulling out hair, and spiritual exhaustion is worth it. It is so worth it!

Before we became foster parents we were very naive. Of course, naivety is always present to a certain extent when you try something new, but there was also a "life" naivety for both of us. We thought our lives before becoming foster parents were stressful, but in all actuality they weren't. We thought we knew what evil was without really having a single first-handed, gut-wrenching, sobering experience with it. But perhaps that is why we were "silly" enough to even becoming foster parents? I'll be the first to admit that you do have to be a little crazy to subject yourself to the anguish that comes with this path, but Jesus set the prime example when he willingly took the anguish of the cross. And defeating sin. And conquering death. And putting up with ME. He decides to accept the pain of my disobedience over and over again for the sake of my soul. He loves me that much.

And can't I love our boys and our future adopted child(ren) that much? Yep. Not that I'll be anywhere close to loving them like the Savior can, but I can try my darnedest (with God's powerful guidance and help) to be the example my kids need to rest assured on the salvation provided only through Christ. To "know that they know" that sacrifice is worth it, and pain will be worth it, and that this life is merely a minuscule drop of existence in comparison to all eternity.

So, no I am not the Rescuer. And thank you, Lord, for reminding me.