I've been dreading this post for days, as I've been afraid my human frustration and anger would take control and belittle the authority of God. However, the Lord has recently given me the stable assurance I need to share with everyone what has happened in the past week. So, to him be the glory!
Last Friday, beautiful Baby K was removed from our home. I received a call around noon and by 2:30 she was gone. Just. Like. That. When I asked the caseworker why the removal was occurring, all he could say was that a few people involved in her case had gone through the proper channels to make it happen. Papers had been signed, we had been notified, and so we scrambled to gather her things and say goodbye.
It's important to understand something: In Texas, foster children can be removed from their foster homes within 45 days for no reason. So, that means if the right people decide to pull a kid from any foster home within that time frame then they can do it. Yes, it's harmful to the children and families involved, but when a certain combination of political powers come to play their game then those kinds of considerations have no gravity. This was the case for us. And what made it even more horrible was the invention of accusations to "seal the deal." Instead of just removing K because they could, reports were filed. And emails were sent. And calls were made. But, thanks to the Lord, we were not the only ones outraged - numerous CPS professionals assured us that we were not alone in our frustration. And they assured us that we had done nothing wrong. It was simply the politics of the situation.
But what about our four-year-old son who sobbed when I told him Baby K was being removed? And what about the anger our extended family and friends have also experienced because of this injustice? The truth is K's removal from our home WAS NOT in her best interest. However, being able to look back on how volatile the case was, I'm starting to understand that it was probably in our family's best interest for her to go. And how that hurts my heart!!! Oh, how I wanted to be the one to advocate for her, and love her, and teach her how to walk, and throw her a princess birthday party, and protect her from evil, and help her grow...I could go on and on. But that's not what the Lord asked of me. So, I cling to his plan - his good, loving, and perfect plan. What has happened makes no earthly sense, but I know God will use it for his glory. He will use my sorrow and anger to refine my faith. He will create something beautiful from these ashes, because he has done it before.
I cried out to the Lord the day K was removed. I told him I didn't want to foster any more babies because it was too painful and the cost was too great. The Spirit was silent for a moment, but then he said, "Do you really think that little of me? Do you really think I can't heal this hurt?" Oh, Lord, forgive me!
Before I woke K up from her nap to get her ready, I prayed and asked God to send me every angel of protection he could spare. And what I experienced instead was the literal feeling of a Savior holding me in my immense sorrow. An instant strength filled my bones. He helped me rise up, wake up the smiling girl who had claimed my heart, and speak words of protection over her. He helped me pack the new clothes that still had tags and find the unopened diapers. He encouraged my heart to write a note to the new foster family so they would have an idea of her schedule and eating habits. And he beckoned me to memorize K's lively gaze and spunky pigtail. And the hardest part was knowing that she, like our other two foster babies, would at least for a short time search for my arms and listen for my voice. Only to find neither. But it's okay, because God knows. He knows. Brokenness is not unfamiliar to the Lord, and I am so thankful that he sympathizes with us in our weaknesses.
So, Carey and I are in uncharted territory! We feel a shift in what God wants to do through us, but not a shift in our calling to adopt or the desire to have a daughter. We see now that everything we have been through as foster parents may have been the only way for God to get us where he wants us to be, even if adopting a baby from foster care isn't the end result. That's the result we had hoped for, but the evidence is now pointing in other directions. We want to maintain our foster care license for the sake of ministry, but we are seeking clarity as to whether or not that means we will eventually welcome another baby into our home or only offer temporary respite care for other foster families. We had assumed that adoption and having a daughter would occur within the same event, but now we see those may be two totally different paths. We are earnestly seeking God's guidance and leading on where to go from here. As this last door with Baby K has been closed by a loving Savior, we lean on him and not our own understanding.
We know we are not alone in our mourning over K's removal. And we also know we are not alone in praying on her behalf. Friends, thank you for encouraging us, listening to our anger, crying with us, and simply for being there. God has blessed us with your friendship and love.
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