Is This Worth It?

It is with a heavy heart that I say Baby M will be placed with her extended relatives in a matter of weeks.

The good news is they sound like a wonderful, Christian family with lots of love and support. The bad news is Baby M won't be staying with us. But we are working that out in our own personal ways.

I have been asking myself a question many times over these last few challenging weeks: Is this worth it? The pain, disappointment, and heartache? The answer is YES. Unequivocally yes! But I am still torn between an angry, human reaction and a trusting, spiritual reaction. I know the Lord has a special plan for her, and she is still in his arms even if she's not in mine. And while that fact makes the situation easier, it still isn't "easy." This is rough.

I've never known a heartbreak of this magnitude, so a deep cut is forming in my heart. And Satan is determined to make this cut hurt so much that I'll never dare to love another needy child again. But, frankly, he's an idiot. My suffering on account of God's will is making me stronger and more reliant on Christ. One day my cut will be a scar - a scar earned on account of sacrificial love. And Jesus has those kinds of scars, too. His are much more meaningful than mine, but at least my scar will mirror those he received by dying on the cross. Christ understands my suffering, and it is my honor to suffer for his purposes. I will not stop giving deliberate love to children in need of families, because God never stopped giving love in his pursuit of adopting me.

Pastor recently asked this question during one of his sermons:

"Once we're in Heaven, will we wish we had done more to reach others on earth?"

My struggles have been put into perspective. If I left earth right now and had to look back on my life, I would be grateful that the threat of loss didn't stop me from loving a baby girl who had no one else to take care of her.

I believe with everything in me that we will have a continued relationship with Baby M. Please pray for our sweet girl, our family and friends, and her extended relatives as we seek to meet and come up with a more definite plan for her transition.

The Difference Between Two and Three

Pretend you are in first grade again. Now, when the teacher asks, “What’s the difference between three and two,” what is your answer? Do you think the answer is one? Well, you’re wrong. The answer is one million.

Look, I LOVE children. Their quirks, laughs, and goofiness – give it all to me. But when you are raising said children there is a huge difference between two dirt-attracting, bottomless stomachs and three. Let me explain.

We have three small children in our family: a four-year-old, a two-year-old, and a 7-month-old. Not that’s it’s any of your business, but yes, we planned it that way. And they are the greatest blessings and joys in our lives. However, I personally was not ready for the challenge of having three children. I thought, “Muah, I got two, so what’s one more? Me and Jesus got this.” Well, I’m here to tell you that most days I don’t “got this,” and Jesus be like, “Girl, you crazy, but I’m here with you!”

First, grocery shopping. Theoretically the four-year-old should be able to walk without trouble, right? Nope. Just don’t count on it. And we’re good for now with #2 sitting in the cart and #3 bumming off of mom in a sling, but how many more months can my shoulders take it? Or legs? Why must #2 kick my legs?

Forget about your workout. You’ll be so exhausted by the end of the day that you won’t get any gym time. Chasing children is your workout, and it will be a good one. If I had a dollar for every time someone said, “Girl, you’re looking good! What have you been doing?” I’d be able to afford a nanny. And then I’d be able to go workout. I used to be able to throw #1 and #2 in a double stroller and at least go running through the neighborhood, but unfortunately they don’t make strollers for a combined child weight of eighty pounds.

Standing is the new norm. I realized during our last Christmas program at church that for once, in eighteen years, I didn’t struggle to stand for over an hour. And it’s all because of the difference between three and two. Studies now tell us that standing is healthier anyway, so at least you’ll have that going for you.

You may be convinced that your children will never be in a daycare-type facility, but let me tell you I couldn’t get my oldest enrolled in Mother’s Day Out quick enough. It was 90% his benefit and 10% my benefit, but it still happened. Ok, you know that’s a lie - more like 50% his benefit and 100% my benefit. No, those numbers don’t add up, but since when are you taking my math skills seriously?

We now have three children who sleep through the night. That in itself is a miracle and all because of Jesus, but it also means we have some really full diapers each morning. Because they all wear different sizes. And because #1 and #2 require specific night-time diapers with their favorite characters on the front. So, get used to random boxes of diapers throughout the house at which your husband will ask, “Whose diapers are these?” And you will respond, “Whichever one is running around naked, duh.”

A peaceful night away will almost not be worth it. By the time you pack three bags for three children who randomly remove items from their bags without your knowledge, forcing you to constantly recheck each bag and chase down the guilty party, you’ll be tempted to just stay home. But then you’ll actually go out into the public without children only to be reminded that you’d much rather be annoyed by your own kids than other adults who talk too loudly at the restaurant or prop their stinky feet on the back of your seat as you try to watch a movie. You’ll turn to your lover and say, “We should have just stayed home and watched Netflix.”

But, all joking aside, I wouldn’t trade my crazy, hectic life for anything! I have never been happier in my life and continue to be amazed at how God’s plans are so much better than mine. He does know what he’s doing, even when my children have a three-way fight over a train. Never mind that we have a bucketful of Thomas and ALL his friends (literally) sitting in the corner, they want to fight over Toby. Seriously?! Whatever, I digress.

The short story is everyone should want to be me, because I have the best life on planet earth. I have a dear, servant husband who humbly provides in every way for my needs and the needs of our family. I have three incredibly adorable children who bring insurmountable joy to what would otherwise be a lackluster life. And, most importantly, I have a Savior who shows up every second of every day to whisper, “Leah, breathe. Let me fill your heart and mind during every moment of this day.” And it’s plainly obvious to everyone who knew the pre-children me that he is doing a wonderful work through my life. Because, let’s face it, the old Leah would have never tolerated this kind of tomfoolery. Yet my heart is softened a little more every day because God intentionally chose me to be the mommy of my children. What an honor, what a responsibility. I’ll do it willingly because the Lord has a wonderful plan and he lets me be a part of it.

And finding that kind of purpose is the difference between two and three.

Moving, Moving, Moving!

Well, Baby M's new nickname is "Rooter-Scooter!" In the last week, she has learned to crawl, pull-up, and get herself up on the brick hearth (a few inches off the ground). Folks, this game has stepped up a notch...

It is GLARINGLY obvious how much this little girl is like our youngest son - on the move, and hard to stop. She has an opinion  when she doesn't get her way (as evidenced by a very high-pitched, shrill scream), and flashes her smile or flirtatiously raises her eyebrows to bring you over to the Dark Side. And it works. Against all my strength, her whims work most of the time. This little girl has me pegged. On top of that, she's lost interest in her baby toys. Rooter-Scooter would much rather play with her brothers' cars, trains, and anything else with small pieces that can break off. Sigh. She sure is turning out to be a handful, but we still love her to death! ;)

As for M's case, we are waiting on the fourth relative's home study to be completed. This particular relative looks very promising, so time will tell if a move is on the horizon. But we honestly don't think there is. The evidences of God's order is so apparent through this whole situation, and even people outside of our family have noticed. We confidently claim her as a permanent part of our family even though the legalities are in process. Also, a positive aspect about all of this is M's hearing could be moved up a month upon the completion of the new home studies. If that happens, it could be sooner rather than later that we get to adopt her.

Please pray for God's will to be done through this new home study process and for our peace. The New Year holds several unknowns for our family, but we are waiting with hopeful expectation for God to prove, once again, that he is not bound by seemingly impossible circumstances.

In other news, it's ridiculous how cute they make baby girl dresses. Please, just stop. I have a Dragon Lady persona to keep up, and the dresses aren't helping.

Sincerely, Foster Mom

I heard you are not doing well. At all. Your world has crumbled, and the best thing you had in your life - your precious baby girl - is now living with strangers. Oh, how my heart breaks for you! I desperately want you to know that, as a mother, I cry and mourn over the loss of your relationship with your daughter.

But I also want you to know M is SO LOVED. With the arrival of each of my children a secret place has been opened in my heart specifically for them. And the same is especially true of M because she and I have a unique bond unlike any other bond I've ever known. I don't say this to make you sad or angry, but to assure you that the Lord placed her in my heart before she ever entered our home. She was there from the beginning, and I honor and thank you for choosing to give her life.

And you are also loved, dear mother. You've experienced years of loss, frustration, and agony. Decisions can't be remade, but you can choose to let the Lord's purposes be fulfilled where you are now. Choose to be broken before a Holy God who loves you more immensely than anyone else could ever love you. Don't fight brokenness - I too was once broken. Before I knew the Lord I was lost and foolishly running straight into Hell. Then one day he called my name, rescued me from my sin and beckoned me to start living only through the power of his son's innocent blood. And I would never go back! Look forward, precious soul, and let God be God. I pray for peace and comfort to pour out from the depths of your heart and flood your life. I plead with the Lord to reach you...no matter what. No matter what, sweet mother.

Beautiful M laughs from the bottom of her feet to the top of her head! Her smile is unsparingly given to everyone and her eyes sparkle the most radiant crystal blue. She is a blessing to everyone who meets her. She is a picture of God's mercy, of his gorgeous design. M is made in his image. She's made in your image.

Regardless of the circumstances, precious mother, please trust that M will be perfectly protected by the Lord, even as he protects you. I don't think I'm better than you. Rather, I see the importance of caring for her in the most honorable way because she is a reflection of you. The only way I can help you is to love her. And I love her with the deepest love imaginable.

I pray you will release any hatred you have toward the Lord...and toward me. I am hopeful for your reconciliation to God because without it there will be no future reconciliation to your daughter. I say that with gentleness, but I also say it with resolve.

You can do this. We can do this. For the sake of your daughter - our daughter - we can trust God's plan.

Sincerely,
Foster Mom

Update!

Baby M is almost six months old!

Favorite activities: Laughing at her brothers, smiling, growling, and rolling over.

Least favorite activities: Sitting up and not being able to roll past an object (lol).

Favorite foods: Carrots and bananas.

Least favorite foods: Cereal and veggies.

Favorite toys: Her toes, squishy blocks, and rattles.

Number of teeth: 2

Physical milestones: Endless rolling, rocking back-and-forth on her knees, and grabbing objects with her hands.

There was another hearing for M, and it turns out we are just waiting on things to pan out...to adopt her! Things have happened so quickly, and we feel blessed that God has given us this sweet little girl.

Carey and I had a neat discussion the other night concerning preparing for the worst: He said, "You know, I try to take my mind there - to losing her - but every time I do the Holy Spirit says, 'No, you don't even need to go there! M is staying with you.'" My mouth fell open because that's exactly what has been happening to me too. M is already so woven into our family that it seems weird to even think back on the time when she wasn't with us. How sweet it is to be her Mama! :)

Thank you for your continued prayers. Our God is AWESOME!

Breathe In, Breathe Out

Big breath. "God has this." Another big breath. "GOD HAS THIS." Repeat a million times.

Things are moving quicker than we anticipated! M's relatives are now being considered for her permanent placement, which means she's one step closer to staying with us. And to protect her, I won't go into too much detail anymore about her case. After learning some information about her biological parents and family members, I don't want them to be able to track her down in ANY way. The best thing for M is to be completely removed from their influence, but the State of Texas has to legally arrive at that conclusion. Which means going through the process.

I don't know what it's like. I try to put myself into M's situation: If I had her biological family, would I want to stay with them or be adopted by a family who truly loves me even though they aren't related? I don't know what my answer would be, because so much of my identity has been formed by knowing, and being raised, by my biological parents. "But your identity is found in me, Leah." I know, Lord. I know. But that's because my parents pointed me to you! If M's family can't point her to Christ, then shouldn't she stay with us?

Again I am reminded that the Lord is above every situation, above every circumstance. He's the God who sent his only son to die for the world. He's the God who ordered my life and salvation, so he can for sure do that for M. Even if she does leave our home, she is not above his redemption. She is not beyond his reach even if she is forced out of mine. If he can save baby Moses against all odds because his mother courageously hid him and trusted providence, then M will not be abandoned. If Christ can appear on a road to Saul regardless of his past, then Christ can appear to M regardless of her past. If the Lord went out of his way to love a sinful, Samaritan woman, then he will go out of his way to love M. In fact, he already did. And all of this is true of me too.

One thing is for sure: M and I are kindred spirits. Joe and I have hugs (the best in the world), Dan and I have kisses filled with laughter, and M and I have matching smiling eyes that laugh and delight in one another. Knitted hearts? Definitely. Just please don't rip those pieces of yarn apart, Lord. PLEASE.

The caseworker said they are supposed to complete relative homestudies by the next court date (November), but it's unlikely they will all be finished by that time. Regardless, we expect M to remain in our home through the end of the year. We look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas with three kids! :) Boy, what an adventure. We have been through so much already, but we look forward to what God continues to do through our family.

Thank you for your prayers, friends! 

Things are Rolling

Another month has almost passed, and our sweet little foster baby is four months old! She finally out grew some of her clothes and is quickly moving up in diaper sizes. Her precious smiles, contagious laugh, and funny expressions keep us mesmerized. And, now she will turn her head to find me when she hears my voice. As far as she is concerned, I am Mommy. My heart breaks for her biological mother, but rejoices to God for giving us the chance to help this child feel and know the love of a devoted family.

Baby M's next trial is in November, so it's still not clear what recommendations will be made to the judge. So far things are looking up for us because her biological family members seem to not have the substantial backing they need to provide guardianship. Furthermore, M's biological mother also has a trial in November for her individual case, so if she's released from prison then that could really make things interesting. But, honestly, we're not worried about any of this mess. Our Lord is gracious and in control, and we are honored to protect our sweet baby girl from the crud that has immersed her biological family.

We have now attended two fostercare support meetings and have had some interesting experiences. First, it is very apparent that we are blessed to have such devoted staff for M's case. Secondly, we have been introduced to some issues and problems that could come up through adoption. Many of the people we have encountered through these meetings are seasoned foster and/or adoptive parents, so we are extremely thankful to the Lord for leading us to a group who can help us through this calling. It's nice to have a place to go where our family can interact with other families in a similar situation.

At home we are finally transitioning our youngest son out of the crib and into his brother's room. I have had some sweet mommy-son time with him because we are training him to nap on the bottom bunk, so I have stayed with him as he falls asleep. Sometimes he falls asleep with his head on my shoulder or while holding my hand, so I just bottle up those moments and cement them in my heart! :) Our goal is to change the "dinosaur" room into the "butterfly" room in the next month so Miss M. can have her own room.

On top of prayer for baby M, we have some additional requests. Recently our oldest son started preschool one day a week, so we ask for an easy transition and productive time of learning for him. Next, our youngest son is almost two-years-old and has hit a stubborn, rebellious streak, so we ask for prayers that he would choose obedience over rebellion. As for me, I ask for patience with the kids because many days it is lacking and I am quick to be frustrated and snippy. And, lastly, please pray for energy and rest for my sweet husband because his new job requires a much earlier wake up time and more travel. We are so thankful for every prayer on our behalf!

So, we keep rolling along! We look forward to cooler weather and more picnics at the park (which M is really starting to like). We have family pictures coming up in October, as well as the Fall Festival on Halloween with plans to dress in costumes as a family. We're loving this crazy life, and thank you all for your support!