Last week was our one-year anniversary as foster parents! And I think, "Sheesh. It's only been ONE year?!" I say that with humor, but I also say it with the beckoning reality that this year has been wild...for a variety of reasons.
Let's review, shall we?
June 23, 2015: We said "yes" to accepting our first foster baby, a sweet 3-week-old with jet black hair and a tiny frame. We fell in love with Baby M the instant we met her!
August 2, 2015: Carey and I went on another mission trip to Costa Rica and were once again blown away by the blessings and workings of God! Such an honor to be apart.
October-November 2015: I experienced a healing miracle of God! We also dressed up as the Peter Pan crew for Halloween and celebrated M's first Thanksgiving.
December 2015: We received word that a good family match had been found for M. This was the fourth attempt to place her with family, so we were still optimistic that she would stay with us.
January 2016: We celebrated our oldest son's fourth birthday and our youngest son's 2nd birthday! We also met with M's relatives for the first time.
February 2016: We received word that Baby M would for sure be placed with her aunt and uncle. It was a very emotional month...and on top of everything, we started the process of looking for a new home closer to Carey's job!
March 2, 2016 (the date that will forever be stuck in my mind): This was the day we said goodbye to M after being her family for eight-and-a-half months. We drove to the courthouse, expressed to the judge how much we loved her, and sorrowfully went home as she was taken to her biological family. I reflect on the cute sweater outfit she was wearing and the way she grabbed my cheeks while tears fell. My soul thanks God for a tenderhearted husband who tried to pray but couldn't get the words out. I'm grateful for my mother-in-law who accompanied us and thought to take pictures of our last goodbyes. I whispered the words, "It's going to be okay," over and over as I stroked M's hair and deposited the feeling of being her mother deep into my being - I never wanted to forget what it was like to be her mother. And I still haven't forgotten.
March 18-19, 2016: We moved! The Lord blessed us with an amazing home that is FAR beyond what we could have ever imagined. It was a welcome distraction from grief, and a beautiful display of God's grace in the midst of trials.
April 2016: We made arrangements and preparations for our new home to be ready for another foster baby. It was a bit tedious, but we did it!
May 2016: Another emotional month. M celebrated her first birthday, and we also accepted our second foster baby, Baby S, into our home. It didn't take long to realize this second experience would be drastically different, but we relied on the Lord for protection and guidance.
June 2016: Baby S was returned to her grandmother after being in our care for a little over a month. Kissing her cheeks is what I miss the most, and our home is certainly different without her. We also received several "hopeful" calls for other foster babies, but none of them have panned out. God is asking us to wait again, and so we wait!
So, what is the take away?
I now understand that my definition of love wasn't love at all.
For example, I have always "loved" my husband. But that love was subconsciously under the terms of what I was getting out of the relationship. My attitude was, "What's in it for me?" Once that realization kicked in, the Lord showed me that ALL my relationships fell under this false understanding of love. It was, and still is, quite humbling. Now I seek to truly love others the way Christ loves them - with sacrifice and a willingness to see things through even when it's gut-wrenching tough! I am certainly nowhere close to being good at loving like this, but holding precious foster babies who have nothing to give in return sure is a good start.
You see, love CAN'T be self-seeking. Real love doesn't have a single ounce of pride, selfishness, or arrogance. Not a single ounce. God summed it up one day by asking me, "Will you love even when you get nothing out of it? And even when people make false accusations? And even if you get hurt? Will you love even if it costs you everything? Because that's my kind of love." This kind of sacrificial love isn't popular and it certainly doesn't meet the world's demand that, "love is love." No, friends, love isn't something we get to define to make ourselves feel better or to justify how we want to live our lives. Love is not doing whatever makes us happy so we can have temporary feelings of security and acceptance. Love transcends far beyond an emotional experience and a physical relationship. Love is something we need, yes, but more importantly it's something we must seek out in the right way so we can experience it's true fullness and peace. We have to tirelessly guard our very souls against the cheap substitutions of love that the world crams down our throats so we can sell out for real love - the Savior's love.
One of the most heartbreaking things for me is that many people want nothing to do with the very cure that will literally save their lives. All I know is Christ's love has saved my life, so I will continue on with the mission. I will continue LIVING MY FAITH because I know the suffering in this life pales in comparison to the complete fulfillment I'll receive in eternity. So, come Lord Jesus, come.
And if that's what God taught me in only the first year of fostering, I can't wait to see what he has in store for the second year.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Friday, June 17, 2016
The "In Between"
A burp cloth here, a diaper there. Baby toys, gadgets, and bottles stay in plain view and the last of the baby girl clothes are washed and tucked away. The car seat base is still attached in the van, and the doctor's appointment for next week still needs to be cancelled. I glance through recent pictures of our boys giving Baby S kisses, hugs, and tickles. I calmly respond to our two-and-a-half-year-old when he questions Baby S's whereabouts and remind him that she is with her grandmother now. The baby sling stays heaped up the car and will eventually be pushed under the seat until it's time to be used again. The nights are oh so quiet without the occasional sound of a baby's whimpers. And my arms feel strange to not be holding Baby S.
I say all this, and I am amazed at how the Lord knits hearts together in such a short time. And I am amazed at the calmness I feel even though Baby S has left our home. We knew ahead of time that her stay with us would most likely be temporary, so that's made things a little easier. But the "in between" - waiting for the next placement (which could literally happen at ANY moment) - is such an odd experience this time. There's empty time that was once filled with feeding and caring for a baby. There are empty laps that once bounced a baby while we ate dinner. This time around I don't have my grief to keep me company, even though there certainly is some sadness. And I don't know what to do about this "weirdness." I've never experienced something like this "in between."
But I do know one thing - God doesn't want me to fear this new status. He wants me to embrace it by spending more time with my boys and pouring his love into them. Soon we'll have another foster baby, but until then I'm soaking up every extra moment of rest.
Baby S is a sweet 4-month-old. We only had her a month, but with the Lord's help we were able to get her on a good eating/sleeping schedule. Also, she barely threw any more "fits" (from not being held) by the time she left us, so I'm glad we were able to nurture her AND help her learn a little self-soothing. Watching her learn to play with toys was a sweet experience, and the way she would always smile while laying on the changing table (because she knew we would talk and sing to her) was just precious! The last night we had her she even rolled over in bed, so we were glad to have witnessed an important physical milestone. Baby S certainly made us work for her affection, but once we had it she was all smiles and sparkly eyes! She loved to be told she was pretty and we prayed over her endlessly. It was an honor to have her be a part of our family for thirty-three days.
What an adventure this is becoming! The Lord continues to refine our hearts as we serve him, and we thank you for being apart.
I say all this, and I am amazed at how the Lord knits hearts together in such a short time. And I am amazed at the calmness I feel even though Baby S has left our home. We knew ahead of time that her stay with us would most likely be temporary, so that's made things a little easier. But the "in between" - waiting for the next placement (which could literally happen at ANY moment) - is such an odd experience this time. There's empty time that was once filled with feeding and caring for a baby. There are empty laps that once bounced a baby while we ate dinner. This time around I don't have my grief to keep me company, even though there certainly is some sadness. And I don't know what to do about this "weirdness." I've never experienced something like this "in between."
But I do know one thing - God doesn't want me to fear this new status. He wants me to embrace it by spending more time with my boys and pouring his love into them. Soon we'll have another foster baby, but until then I'm soaking up every extra moment of rest.
Baby S is a sweet 4-month-old. We only had her a month, but with the Lord's help we were able to get her on a good eating/sleeping schedule. Also, she barely threw any more "fits" (from not being held) by the time she left us, so I'm glad we were able to nurture her AND help her learn a little self-soothing. Watching her learn to play with toys was a sweet experience, and the way she would always smile while laying on the changing table (because she knew we would talk and sing to her) was just precious! The last night we had her she even rolled over in bed, so we were glad to have witnessed an important physical milestone. Baby S certainly made us work for her affection, but once we had it she was all smiles and sparkly eyes! She loved to be told she was pretty and we prayed over her endlessly. It was an honor to have her be a part of our family for thirty-three days.
What an adventure this is becoming! The Lord continues to refine our hearts as we serve him, and we thank you for being apart.
Saturday, June 11, 2016
New Territory
We were warned during our training classes that it could happen. We
have heard stories of loving foster parents being drug through the mud
because of false accusations. But, until it actually happens to you,
it's easy to say, "Surely that's not reality. Surely people have more
sense than that." Well, friends, the warning is 100% true. It was fairly
easy to overlook the first occurrence of an ill-informed accusation
because we knew desperation is the motivator for such actions. However,
when the accusations keep coming it becomes hard to bear.
This week members of Baby S's family, along with one of the attorneys, made claims that no one had ever heard before in front of the judge. They implied we were intentionally harming or neglecting Baby S. Anyone who knows us understands this couldn't be farther from the truth. The absurdity makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs and demand for justice. But I know that wouldn't help anything. I know that wouldn't help our sweet foster baby.
Is it possible for me to absorb insults without retaliation? Yes. Is it possible for me to forgive those who accuse me of wrongdoing when all I've done is lovingly care for their child? Yes. Is it possible for a system so broken - a system that allows decent, well-meaning people who are trying to help to incur undeserved judgment - to turn to logic? I sure hope so. Because if there isn't hope for things to get better then I want no part of any of this mess.
But I know things will get better. I know it. God has promised us through his word and the life, death, and resurrection of his Son that he will make all things right one day. If that weren't the case, I certainly wouldn't allow myself, or my family, to go through this mess. My heart breaks for Baby S because she will be going back to her family's manipulative environment soon. So, my biggest struggle is trusting God with her life because, humanly speaking, she would be much better off with us. But, once again, I have to let the truth of God's ever-increasing, incredible, sacrificial, and matchless love for Baby S fill my mind. Otherwise, anger and bitterness try to resurface in my heart like it did right before Baby M left us. We entrust Baby S to God's plan for her life just like we do for our boys and just like we have done for Baby M. And I will say that God's peace grows with each child we have the privilege of loving, but it never gets easy. It is always hard.
The biblical story of Jochebed giving up her son, Moses, reminds me that God always has a plan for every child. Not only was Jochebed an extremely brave woman for hiding Moses as long as she could, but knowing he had a better chance floating in the Nile River than staying with her required incredible wisdom. She was desperate to save her son, even if it meant no longer being able to care for him. We find, however, that after the Egyptian princess adopted Moses she asked Jochebed to nurse him. What a blessing! Jochebed must have felt honored to receive more time with her son. So this account of Jochebed's strength, trust, and selflessness reminds me that it can't be about me if I really want to be a part of God's plan for my children. Even when they leave my home I am still their mother (even if I was with them for only a short time). I know one day I'll reap the blessings of my faithfulness, and I am so grateful that God has even chosen me for this calling.
That being said, all these false accusations are no big deal. God knows the truth - that we want to serve and please him. Even though "haters gonna hate," we know God upholds our cause and protects us.
Please continue praying for our family and precious Baby S's transition back to her family.
This week members of Baby S's family, along with one of the attorneys, made claims that no one had ever heard before in front of the judge. They implied we were intentionally harming or neglecting Baby S. Anyone who knows us understands this couldn't be farther from the truth. The absurdity makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs and demand for justice. But I know that wouldn't help anything. I know that wouldn't help our sweet foster baby.
Is it possible for me to absorb insults without retaliation? Yes. Is it possible for me to forgive those who accuse me of wrongdoing when all I've done is lovingly care for their child? Yes. Is it possible for a system so broken - a system that allows decent, well-meaning people who are trying to help to incur undeserved judgment - to turn to logic? I sure hope so. Because if there isn't hope for things to get better then I want no part of any of this mess.
But I know things will get better. I know it. God has promised us through his word and the life, death, and resurrection of his Son that he will make all things right one day. If that weren't the case, I certainly wouldn't allow myself, or my family, to go through this mess. My heart breaks for Baby S because she will be going back to her family's manipulative environment soon. So, my biggest struggle is trusting God with her life because, humanly speaking, she would be much better off with us. But, once again, I have to let the truth of God's ever-increasing, incredible, sacrificial, and matchless love for Baby S fill my mind. Otherwise, anger and bitterness try to resurface in my heart like it did right before Baby M left us. We entrust Baby S to God's plan for her life just like we do for our boys and just like we have done for Baby M. And I will say that God's peace grows with each child we have the privilege of loving, but it never gets easy. It is always hard.
The biblical story of Jochebed giving up her son, Moses, reminds me that God always has a plan for every child. Not only was Jochebed an extremely brave woman for hiding Moses as long as she could, but knowing he had a better chance floating in the Nile River than staying with her required incredible wisdom. She was desperate to save her son, even if it meant no longer being able to care for him. We find, however, that after the Egyptian princess adopted Moses she asked Jochebed to nurse him. What a blessing! Jochebed must have felt honored to receive more time with her son. So this account of Jochebed's strength, trust, and selflessness reminds me that it can't be about me if I really want to be a part of God's plan for my children. Even when they leave my home I am still their mother (even if I was with them for only a short time). I know one day I'll reap the blessings of my faithfulness, and I am so grateful that God has even chosen me for this calling.
That being said, all these false accusations are no big deal. God knows the truth - that we want to serve and please him. Even though "haters gonna hate," we know God upholds our cause and protects us.
Please continue praying for our family and precious Baby S's transition back to her family.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Reclaiming My Place
This week has been rough.
On Thursday I slipped into a momentary depression encouraged by the three-month anniversary of M's removal, extreme exhaustion, and finding out we aren't the ones who get to adopt M. All of this is to be expected, right? But when it all hit at the same time I found myself at an extreme low. All I could do was look up for help.
And, you know what? The Lord knows when we need help even if we don't ask for it. One of my sweet sister-in-laws reminded me that Satan fills our hearts and minds with lies to discourage us from being obedient to God's will. This is something I've known for a long time, but somehow I had started believing the lies and allowed them to start affecting my confidence. Then things from my past - things I've repented of - started showing up in my memory in the weirdest ways. These are things I've considered "conquered" for years, yet they crept back in. So I thought, "How on earth am I back here?"
The answer was in believing the lies: That God doesn't love me, that I'll never be worthy of his affection, that my mistakes have disqualified me from doing anything good, etc. Once I opened that door, the damaging thoughts from my past rushed in to take control of my heart. The Holy Spirit reminded me that I am a child of the King who doesn't bow to the schemes of Satan. He brought to my attention some loose ends that needed knots, so we took care of that together. And now I'm recovering, but it'll probably take a few days before the toil on my heart is completely gone. Yet something that happened on Friday reminded me of God's constant presence even in the midst of personal struggle.
I had the chance to briefly meet and encounter our foster baby's relatives at her family visit. The Lord was so gracious to give me a compassionate and loving spirit even though the last thing I wanted to do was meet them while dealing with my own issues. Yet when I saw the grandmother's tears while saying goodbye to the baby, I realized my healing was partly to be found in comforting her. God whispered, "You need to hug her. Both of you need this assurance." In that moment I didn't care about my own junk - Christ took over and the love of a Savior poured out through my outstretched arms. You see, he used me even though I was in a messed-up, pitiful state to love on someone else who was hurting. And you know what? It changed my entire perspective.
While driving home God lovingly impressed on my heart that he has allowed pain in my life to teach me how to love others the way he loves them. To see things with an eternal perspective instead of an earthly perspective. To show me that experiencing pain is the most powerful connector to Christ and to others.
I don't know why he wants to use me, and I don't know why he continues to choose me, but I'm reclaiming my place. Don't fear the mess, friend, because it is in the mess that God is strongest and lives are changed.
On Thursday I slipped into a momentary depression encouraged by the three-month anniversary of M's removal, extreme exhaustion, and finding out we aren't the ones who get to adopt M. All of this is to be expected, right? But when it all hit at the same time I found myself at an extreme low. All I could do was look up for help.
And, you know what? The Lord knows when we need help even if we don't ask for it. One of my sweet sister-in-laws reminded me that Satan fills our hearts and minds with lies to discourage us from being obedient to God's will. This is something I've known for a long time, but somehow I had started believing the lies and allowed them to start affecting my confidence. Then things from my past - things I've repented of - started showing up in my memory in the weirdest ways. These are things I've considered "conquered" for years, yet they crept back in. So I thought, "How on earth am I back here?"
The answer was in believing the lies: That God doesn't love me, that I'll never be worthy of his affection, that my mistakes have disqualified me from doing anything good, etc. Once I opened that door, the damaging thoughts from my past rushed in to take control of my heart. The Holy Spirit reminded me that I am a child of the King who doesn't bow to the schemes of Satan. He brought to my attention some loose ends that needed knots, so we took care of that together. And now I'm recovering, but it'll probably take a few days before the toil on my heart is completely gone. Yet something that happened on Friday reminded me of God's constant presence even in the midst of personal struggle.
I had the chance to briefly meet and encounter our foster baby's relatives at her family visit. The Lord was so gracious to give me a compassionate and loving spirit even though the last thing I wanted to do was meet them while dealing with my own issues. Yet when I saw the grandmother's tears while saying goodbye to the baby, I realized my healing was partly to be found in comforting her. God whispered, "You need to hug her. Both of you need this assurance." In that moment I didn't care about my own junk - Christ took over and the love of a Savior poured out through my outstretched arms. You see, he used me even though I was in a messed-up, pitiful state to love on someone else who was hurting. And you know what? It changed my entire perspective.
While driving home God lovingly impressed on my heart that he has allowed pain in my life to teach me how to love others the way he loves them. To see things with an eternal perspective instead of an earthly perspective. To show me that experiencing pain is the most powerful connector to Christ and to others.
I don't know why he wants to use me, and I don't know why he continues to choose me, but I'm reclaiming my place. Don't fear the mess, friend, because it is in the mess that God is strongest and lives are changed.
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