Smiles, Giggles, and Prayers

It's been awhile since I've written, but we have had mission trip, babysitting, and general life planning GALORE! Miss M is now three months old, and she's full of smiles, giggles, and smirks. She is also sleeping through the night (!) and quickly demanding more milk at her feedings. We are so grateful for our time with her!

M's case worker went to court today and the judge decided to keep her in our home for at least another few months. While that is certainly good news for the present, we are still hanging on the edge for her permanency. The case worker let me know that a relative is now requesting custody and others could pop up as well. SO, a relative, a friend of the family, and then us. But we have her for now! We have her for now...

We knew this was all part of it - the agonizing waiting and potential heartbreak. I don't want to be selfish, but I am. All this baby girl knows is life with us, so I selfishly want to tell everyone else, "Over my dead body." But that's not what God wants. God wants us to trust him with the outcome and live through his strength every day no matter what happens, so that is what we strive to do. We take comfort in the fact that the Lord loves M more than we ever could. And it is possible for her to know him by living with someone else, but I don't want to admit it. All my "but Lord," pleas receive, "Where were you when I formed the earth?" replies. So we breathe, kiss sweet M, cuddle with her a little longer than we should because we never know which day will be our last to hold her.

Our attempt at adoption has encouraged me to take the same approach with our boys. Endless hugs, kisses, and "I love you"s, are in our home because the truth is we aren't promised another day even with our biological children. If you have children, no matter the age, remember the fragility to which they came into the world and respect the same fragility that will one day take them out of the world. I've known many parents who had to say goodbye too soon to their precious children, so I want to make sure my kids know, without any room for doubt, that they are loved.

But it's hard to be loving when you're the opposite of perfect. I yell at Joe when he asks the same question for the millionth time in one hour. I growl in frustration at Dan when he scales yet another piece of furniture. I roll my eyes when the baby wants to be held a little longer. I scream in my head while changing the tenth poopy diaper in one day and secretly envy the people who get to go to work and enjoy adult conversation. And if I have to watch "Bob the Builder" more than once a day I will become unrecognizable (seriously, that show is intolerable)! I become filled with rage when people at the grocery store give me a horrified look for daring to take three small children out in public, even when they are behaving. I want to throw objects at the TV when people try to get a "No kids on flights" petition moving. I hold myself back from screaming at others, "You think YOU'RE tired?!" I could keep going...

Among the incredible struggle there is an even more incredible peace through this calling. There is overwhelming joy, that I never knew was possible, in this calling. I feel the Lord closer to me than ever before because I am at my wits end more than ever before. There is beauty in being weak, tired, and frustrated because my perfect Savior is on his throne. He is everything I need, and he proves it to me every moment of every day.

And at the end of the day I know what we're doing matters. The sacrifices, the early nights (we are in bed by 8:45pm out of pure exhaustion), and endless laundry doesn't matter in the long run, but our family matters! It's great to know that I'm apart of something that matters - raising these kids to first have a relationship with Christ and then enabling and helping them to fulfill God's will for their lives. The future generation of Christ-followers are at our ankles looking up, and I can't think of anything else that matters more on earth.

Meanwhile, Baby M and I are going on a shopping spree tomorrow! Girlfriend and I are going to celebrate her being with us a little longer by getting some new clothes.

Thank you for your continued prayers, friends! :)

With love,
Leah

You Are Wanted

I'm glad the Lord has placed Carey and I in a position to help care for precious M. It really gives James 1:27 a deeper meaning for us: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." I find the word "and" amazing in the last part of this verse - caring for others and accepting the charge to deny the world go hand-in-hand. You can't truly care for others without denying earthly desires (and vice versa). There have been times in my life when I have missed the opportunity to care for others because I was too obsessed with myself, but I pray to never return to that miserable existence. And I say it with respect, but I'm wondering if this is where M's mom finds herself. My prayer is the Lord draws her out of her self-destruction, like he did for me, before it's too late.

When I look at our kids I wonder, "Do you know you are wanted?" Being wanted and feeling wanted are two totally different things. And I want my kids to feel wanted - first and foremost by God, but also by us. So we pour love and grace into their lives and pray with fervency for them to feel it in the depths of their beings.

I want everyone, and most especially my children, to know something:

You are wanted.

First, you are wanted by a holy God who chose to create you. He didn't have to intricately and uniquely design you and bring you into existence. It's pretty awesome that the God of EVERYTHING thought of us before we were even born and said, "Hey, you! You're one-of-a-kind."

Also, you are wanted by a perfect Savior who died so you can have an eternal relationship with him. He literally gave away his life with the hope that you would decide to accept his gift of salvation. No one ever died for someone they didn't want.

Lastly, to my kids (including M), I have wanted you all my life. It's like the Lord opened up a new section of my heart when I met you - a section I knew was there but could never access before. I felt J's light-hearted laugh and D's ornery, crooked smile in my spirit. I felt M's perfect, steady gaze of resolute determination. Two of you I carried in my belly, and one of you I've only carried in my arms, but all of you have been carried in my heart from the beginning. The Lord has given all three of you to me for now, so I will continue to carry you until he determines otherwise.

Again, you are wanted. Don't ever believe the lie that you aren't wanted.

Please continue to pray for our family. Thank you all for your love, thoughts, and prayers.

A Once Normal Life

Baby M has now been our home for 3 weeks! She is eating a lot, sleeping a lot, and starting to smile and roll over. She will be two months old in a few days.

Yesterday I attended a meeting with Baby M and several of the state workers who are assigned to her case. I learned a lot more about the conditions of her removal from her home, and where we are in the process. So, where are we in the process? Right behind one family friend.

That's it.

We, as complete strangers, are second in line to possibly get to keep this precious girl forever! It's seems unreal.

Unfortunately, the facts I learned yesterday left me depressed, sad, and angry. M's mom once lived a normal life - with a job, husband, and kids. However, after some devastating circumstances that she had no control over, M's mom starting making horrible decisions. The Lord reminded me how close we all are to devastation and to resolve NOW (in the good times) to submit to him no matter what. M's mom has had a tough life - emotionally, spiritually, and physically - but because of her decisions all "normalcy" seems to have disappeared from her life now. And it worries me, as a mom, to think if there could be a circumstance that would push me into a downward spiral. However, the Lord doesn't want me (or anyone) to live that way. We're not supposed to worry about tomorrow, but rather rely on him for the strength to do his will today (Matthew 6:24). Lord, help me keep my eyes on today - on Carey's goofy antics, Joe's contagious laughter, Dan's babbled "I love you's", and M's perfectly steady gaze that says, "Thank you."

It appears M's mom never had something that we have: community. She seems to have had at least a little faith, but without community there was no one to support her. I look at our family, friends, and fellow church members and wonder how on earth people survive without other people. This process has shown me the power of community - to hold babies, to give us rest, to help teach our kids about the Lord. Next to our faith, our community of loving supporters is our greatest asset, and we are so grateful for all of you!

My heart cries out to the Lord for M's mom. Will you join me in praying for her? And we certainly thank you for prayers concerning M's permanency. We are seeking the Lord's will for her, and know that prayers make a difference. We need you, friends! Thank you for all your help.

The Dark Days

In the midst of this new calling, I want people to understand that the days aren't all "rainbows and butterflies!" This is hard. REALLY hard.

Most days I do wake up with so much joy that my heart is overflowing. The Lord gives me strength and peace to renew my commitment each day to the three babies who look to me as Mommy. Ten years ago I would have shuddered to glimpse our current path because of all the required responsibility. However, I know through experiencing some trials that my Jesus is always with me and he equips Carey and I to raise these kids. These are God's babies, and we have the wonderful privilege of being their parents.

However, some days Satan whispers on my heart, "This is too hard. You should give up and give the baby back." His comments are always coupled with my exhaustion and annoyance at the day's challenges. Whenever I forget to submit to Christ, and start down the path of self-reliance, Satan steps in with his lies. I literally have to face palm that sucker straight to the ground, because he can't have a heart that already belongs to Jesus. And Satan wants the kids' hearts too, so that is just completely over my dead body! I know he hates us for what we're doing because he's in the business of tearing families apart (like he's trying to do to our foster baby's family). Some days I do want to give up, but that's when a friend or relative's text encourages me to keep going. And I also remember the many people invested in our foster baby's life who work tirelessly alongside us to care for her. When we need it the most, the Lord sends people to help. Thank you for your help!

I'm good at holding it all together in public, but even this "Dragon Lady" has knock-out-drag-out moments. The biggest lesson I've learned so far, friends, is to let God have even the dark days. Let him have your frustration, your anger, your tears. Because if we can't give him the dark days, then the only one left to take them is the Evil One.

Dark days come, but the goal is not to keep them from arriving. Rather, the goal is to submit to Christ no matter what happens. Be encouraged today, friend!

Our First Week

Well, friends, we've now had a foster baby in the house for a full week! It was quite a culture shock at first to have a newborn again, but we are getting the gist of things now.

Baby M is a sweet little baby, but she's quite small for her age. She loves to eat, though, so we're confident she'll start chunking-out in no time! And, as far as we know, she hasn't been exposed to anything dangerous. We assume, however, that she was neglected for the first few weeks of her life since her biological mom is now incarcerated. Baby M is thriving wonderfully in our home, even with two older foster brothers! :) We are loving the snuggles, her occasional smiles, and sweet time together.

We met M's CASA worker today who is a volunteer court advocate. She will work closely with M's case worker to find possible relatives who can take care of M. In the meantime, we get the honor of pouring love into M's little heart and surrounding her with prayer. Every day we pray that M's biological momma will "get better."

And, yes, we are attached! We want God's will for M's life even if that means we don't get to keep her. And we will for sure set her up as best as we can in the event she goes to live with a family member. This little girl is so precious! I love getting to dress her up in all the frills and bows. :)

The foster brothers are being pretty sweet to M apart from the occasional attempt to poke her in the eye or "love" her a little too rough! Joe is especially fond of her and introduces her as "his sister" even though we constantly tell him that she could go back to her own family soon. But they love her, and it's amazing to see how even little children understand the fragility of a baby. Both the boys are great helpers.

Please pray for us as M has a doctor's appointment on July 2nd and we want to make sure she is catching up in weight. Also, the CASA worker told me they go to court on July 7th to come up with a permanency plan for M. That means our time with M could be done within the next week if a reliable relative is found to care for her. We certainly want what is best for M, but our hearts will be broken if she leaves. Please pray for God's will, courage, and strength no matter what the outcome. There is only one, maybe two, possibilities for M outside of our home, so the chance at adoption is very real. But, again, we want her to be with her own family if it is at all possible.

Thank you all for your tremendous support. We are overwhelmed by the love, gifts, and offers to help. We feel your prayers, and can not express how grateful we are for every mention to the Lord on our behalf.

More to come! Until then, if you have a few minutes, come on over and help me tackle the Laundry Monster. :)

Any Minute Now

I looked at Carey the other night and said, "It's only been two weeks?! It feels like an eternity!"

We've had our license now for several weeks with no placement. We've received two calls, but both children were too old and lived too far away for us to logistically take care of them. So we wait. Again, we wait.

Two weeks is not that long of a time. I've heard of people going months before getting their first child placement, so we are definitely still on the short end of things. But when you're supposed to be ready at any moment - spiritually, emotionally, and physically - it feels like an eternity. Every morning I wake up and think, "Today could be the day!" I could get a call to go pick up a baby before I finish writing this post.

It's like those hard last months of pregnancy (even though I'm not pregnant). I thought it would be easier, but then I realized at least I'd get a few hours notice if I was pregnant! Just like with our boys, my heart longs for this child. Not because she'll "fill a void," but because God has already revealed to my heart that she's out there and she's ours.

Sometimes I feel like we're being selfish for seeking a baby since we've already had two biological children. But the Lord reminds me it's not about us - it's about her. And God has decided that we are to be her parents regardless of whether or not we can have biological children. He has put the desire for a baby on our hearts because he is the Master Planner. I want to do more to get to her: search more, pray more, work harder as a mom. But the Lord has revealed that this is a time of stillness, and there's nothing else I can do. His timing is perfect, and he is working behind the scenes for our daughter and for our family.

Until we meet her, we pray our daughter will be emotionally and physically protected. We pray for her mother and father and extended family. We pray the Lord will use us to draw others to him through this entire process. And thank you for your continued prayers as well!

We Have Our License!

After six months of meetings, deadlines, paperwork, and prayer we officially have our foster/adoption license!

What happens next: Our names will be placed on the Centralized Placement Vacancy list (CPV) with a note that we are highly motivated to adopt a baby girl. In other words, case workers will know the specifics of our desires and hopefully start giving us calls when a baby girl in our area becomes available. Furthermore, there may already be babies available for adoption, so we are waiting to hear from our FAD worker to see if we can go ahead and start pursuing a specific child. Exciting times!

Meanwhile, I'm finally washing the car seat cover so I can get the darn thing in the van...

When trying to explain to our oldest son, Joseph, that we can now "help the babies," he looked at my tummy and said, "Yeah, there's a baby sister in mommy's tummy." I just want to make it clear, in case he says to someone else, that this IS NOT the case, haha! It's just the way his 3-year-old brain is processing everything. But I smile at his excitement to hopefully, and in God's timing, have a baby sister. We will be able to show our boys so much about God's love through adoption! And, even if something happens and we don't get to adopt a child, we can honestly tell the boys that God's ways are not our ways.

Please continue to pray for us as we will most likely have to make some major decisions going forward. The worst thing I can imagine right now is having numerous children available and trying to decide which ONE (because I want to help them all) God wants to be in our family. Also, please pray for us in the event a special needs child becomes available. We are seeking God's complete will and discernment, which can be scary, but we know he is working out everything according to his plan.

Praise the Lord from whom all blessings flow! Our hearts are full with anticipation.