The Dark Days

In the midst of this new calling, I want people to understand that the days aren't all "rainbows and butterflies!" This is hard. REALLY hard.

Most days I do wake up with so much joy that my heart is overflowing. The Lord gives me strength and peace to renew my commitment each day to the three babies who look to me as Mommy. Ten years ago I would have shuddered to glimpse our current path because of all the required responsibility. However, I know through experiencing some trials that my Jesus is always with me and he equips Carey and I to raise these kids. These are God's babies, and we have the wonderful privilege of being their parents.

However, some days Satan whispers on my heart, "This is too hard. You should give up and give the baby back." His comments are always coupled with my exhaustion and annoyance at the day's challenges. Whenever I forget to submit to Christ, and start down the path of self-reliance, Satan steps in with his lies. I literally have to face palm that sucker straight to the ground, because he can't have a heart that already belongs to Jesus. And Satan wants the kids' hearts too, so that is just completely over my dead body! I know he hates us for what we're doing because he's in the business of tearing families apart (like he's trying to do to our foster baby's family). Some days I do want to give up, but that's when a friend or relative's text encourages me to keep going. And I also remember the many people invested in our foster baby's life who work tirelessly alongside us to care for her. When we need it the most, the Lord sends people to help. Thank you for your help!

I'm good at holding it all together in public, but even this "Dragon Lady" has knock-out-drag-out moments. The biggest lesson I've learned so far, friends, is to let God have even the dark days. Let him have your frustration, your anger, your tears. Because if we can't give him the dark days, then the only one left to take them is the Evil One.

Dark days come, but the goal is not to keep them from arriving. Rather, the goal is to submit to Christ no matter what happens. Be encouraged today, friend!

Our First Week

Well, friends, we've now had a foster baby in the house for a full week! It was quite a culture shock at first to have a newborn again, but we are getting the gist of things now.

Baby M is a sweet little baby, but she's quite small for her age. She loves to eat, though, so we're confident she'll start chunking-out in no time! And, as far as we know, she hasn't been exposed to anything dangerous. We assume, however, that she was neglected for the first few weeks of her life since her biological mom is now incarcerated. Baby M is thriving wonderfully in our home, even with two older foster brothers! :) We are loving the snuggles, her occasional smiles, and sweet time together.

We met M's CASA worker today who is a volunteer court advocate. She will work closely with M's case worker to find possible relatives who can take care of M. In the meantime, we get the honor of pouring love into M's little heart and surrounding her with prayer. Every day we pray that M's biological momma will "get better."

And, yes, we are attached! We want God's will for M's life even if that means we don't get to keep her. And we will for sure set her up as best as we can in the event she goes to live with a family member. This little girl is so precious! I love getting to dress her up in all the frills and bows. :)

The foster brothers are being pretty sweet to M apart from the occasional attempt to poke her in the eye or "love" her a little too rough! Joe is especially fond of her and introduces her as "his sister" even though we constantly tell him that she could go back to her own family soon. But they love her, and it's amazing to see how even little children understand the fragility of a baby. Both the boys are great helpers.

Please pray for us as M has a doctor's appointment on July 2nd and we want to make sure she is catching up in weight. Also, the CASA worker told me they go to court on July 7th to come up with a permanency plan for M. That means our time with M could be done within the next week if a reliable relative is found to care for her. We certainly want what is best for M, but our hearts will be broken if she leaves. Please pray for God's will, courage, and strength no matter what the outcome. There is only one, maybe two, possibilities for M outside of our home, so the chance at adoption is very real. But, again, we want her to be with her own family if it is at all possible.

Thank you all for your tremendous support. We are overwhelmed by the love, gifts, and offers to help. We feel your prayers, and can not express how grateful we are for every mention to the Lord on our behalf.

More to come! Until then, if you have a few minutes, come on over and help me tackle the Laundry Monster. :)

Any Minute Now

I looked at Carey the other night and said, "It's only been two weeks?! It feels like an eternity!"

We've had our license now for several weeks with no placement. We've received two calls, but both children were too old and lived too far away for us to logistically take care of them. So we wait. Again, we wait.

Two weeks is not that long of a time. I've heard of people going months before getting their first child placement, so we are definitely still on the short end of things. But when you're supposed to be ready at any moment - spiritually, emotionally, and physically - it feels like an eternity. Every morning I wake up and think, "Today could be the day!" I could get a call to go pick up a baby before I finish writing this post.

It's like those hard last months of pregnancy (even though I'm not pregnant). I thought it would be easier, but then I realized at least I'd get a few hours notice if I was pregnant! Just like with our boys, my heart longs for this child. Not because she'll "fill a void," but because God has already revealed to my heart that she's out there and she's ours.

Sometimes I feel like we're being selfish for seeking a baby since we've already had two biological children. But the Lord reminds me it's not about us - it's about her. And God has decided that we are to be her parents regardless of whether or not we can have biological children. He has put the desire for a baby on our hearts because he is the Master Planner. I want to do more to get to her: search more, pray more, work harder as a mom. But the Lord has revealed that this is a time of stillness, and there's nothing else I can do. His timing is perfect, and he is working behind the scenes for our daughter and for our family.

Until we meet her, we pray our daughter will be emotionally and physically protected. We pray for her mother and father and extended family. We pray the Lord will use us to draw others to him through this entire process. And thank you for your continued prayers as well!

We Have Our License!

After six months of meetings, deadlines, paperwork, and prayer we officially have our foster/adoption license!

What happens next: Our names will be placed on the Centralized Placement Vacancy list (CPV) with a note that we are highly motivated to adopt a baby girl. In other words, case workers will know the specifics of our desires and hopefully start giving us calls when a baby girl in our area becomes available. Furthermore, there may already be babies available for adoption, so we are waiting to hear from our FAD worker to see if we can go ahead and start pursuing a specific child. Exciting times!

Meanwhile, I'm finally washing the car seat cover so I can get the darn thing in the van...

When trying to explain to our oldest son, Joseph, that we can now "help the babies," he looked at my tummy and said, "Yeah, there's a baby sister in mommy's tummy." I just want to make it clear, in case he says to someone else, that this IS NOT the case, haha! It's just the way his 3-year-old brain is processing everything. But I smile at his excitement to hopefully, and in God's timing, have a baby sister. We will be able to show our boys so much about God's love through adoption! And, even if something happens and we don't get to adopt a child, we can honestly tell the boys that God's ways are not our ways.

Please continue to pray for us as we will most likely have to make some major decisions going forward. The worst thing I can imagine right now is having numerous children available and trying to decide which ONE (because I want to help them all) God wants to be in our family. Also, please pray for us in the event a special needs child becomes available. We are seeking God's complete will and discernment, which can be scary, but we know he is working out everything according to his plan.

Praise the Lord from whom all blessings flow! Our hearts are full with anticipation.

Now we wait!

Thankfully, our home study was scheduled last week and it went wonderfully well! The case worker asked questions, briefly looked over our house, and observed our interactions with one another. Before leaving she said, "I think you guys will make wonderful adoptive parents!" And with her statement, a ton of bricks lifted off my shoulders.

The home study application will be turned in to CPS by May 20. Then we wait for a home study panel in our county to approve our application and give us our license. So, we could have a baby in our home as early as June, and we are absolutely thrilled!

But with our anticipation we have heavy hearts: a family has to break apart, or temporarily be apart, for us to receive a child. We don't quite understand all the implications of this brokenness, but we are praying God will use us to share His love and saving grace with the families we meet. And, I think if for some reason I couldn't take care of my children, I would at least be a little comforted that someone else was helping me. We certainly don't expect positive reactions from birth parents, but we hope to affect others' lives for the better and help equip them to lead healthier lives.

Please pray for God's continued preparation of our hearts and minds. We look to Him for guidance, and know He'll provide the strength and perseverance to see this calling to the end!

Frustration, Party of Two

We are at a stand still.

It's now been five weeks since we turned in our completed application to schedule a home study. (That's right - we aren't waiting on our actual home study yet, we are still waiting on it to be scheduled.) For those of you who know me, you can imagine the spiritual strength it has taken to not hound the CPS office for answers. But the Lord keeps saying, "Give it time. Relax and give it time."

We have again reached out to our FAD worker ("Foster Adoptive Home Development"), so hopefully we'll have an answer today. I am also going to reach out to several other couples who took the licensing classes with us to see if they are experiencing the same thing. Waiting to schedule our home study has been the most frustrating thing we have encountered with this process so far, so I guess we should consider ourselves lucky. But we need tons of prayer over this situation!

Please pray for favor with the CPS workers and home study contractor. Also, please pray for patience as we continue to seek the final step in our licensing. We know the Lord works out everything according to His purposes, and we look forward to the further unveiling of His plan!

The Van

When I was younger, my mother always drove a minivan. I mean always. And I didn't mind as long as it didn't stall out in the middle of our town's 4-way stop (yes, that happened). The thing is, my parents are very frugal, and while that is an excellent character trait, it took a toll on my selfish teenager psyche. And somehow my negative attitude about minivans carried over into adulthood.

"I'll never drive a minivan," I said. We scouted out prices for 7-passenger vehicles for months. I told Carey I didn't even want to test drive a minivan, secretly being afraid that I'd somehow be sucked into the minivan vortex. Everything else was so expensive, though. I prayed, "Lord, just please take care of this. Show us your provision and make it impossible to miss." Well, as always, He showed up.

Friends of my brother-in-law were selling their van. I didn't really want to know the vehicle's information, but thought I'd ask so we could at least rule it out. And then the details were given. My jaw fell open when I saw the price (after all our research, I knew it was several thousand dollars cheaper than other vans from the same make, model and mileage). "Here's your MINIVAN," God said.

And, to add insult to injury to my pride, the minivan is the same make, model, and year as my mother's current vehicle. (Think God doesn't have a sense of humor?) After realizing this was our vehicle, undeniably provided by God, I accepted the hard truth: I was going to be a minivan mom. But now I know it's a compliment! When I think of all the people I know who drive minivans, I am honored to join their company.

I'm ashamed to admit that I thought I was "too good" to drive a minivan. I mean, where does that kind of stupidity come from - that one is "above" driving a certain vehicle?! Mine came from pride, that glorious character trait that does so much good for us (yeah, right). Once again, I've seen that my plans are nowhere near God's plans, and too often I am prone to missing God's blessings because I won't stop acting like an idiot. I'm thankful He's put me in my place yet again.

So, don't you worry about us. We will be driving that minivan in style with ample room for our groceries, gear, AND kids! And if you feel the urge to "snub" us for becoming a minivan family, then just be careful: Minivans have a way of wooing your affections.

Soon I'll be sporting a "I used to be cool" bumper sticker. But I think we can all agree I probably lost that a long time ago anyway...