Sappy Vulnerability

It probably doesn't surprise anyone that I'm not the "sappy" type, but tonight something happened I feel I should share. Because so many people, I know, can relate. And it all has to do with this scene I captured on my IPhone:

What do you see?

I see an ugly, bare, tree with roots that start in a dry place but, apparently, have somehow reached enough water to stay alive. It peers toward a vast, fertile landscape of life and longs for leaves again. Its branches are crooked and unappealing. In fact, it hardly has the "typical" shape of a tree at all. It is alone yet hopeful for the evidence of life that will reappear in time. The tree lacks joy and its passions have drained. The tree is me.

Then I see a sunset of extravagant colors. The hues bounce off the water and reflect in every direction, even in the darkness. The rays of light seem focused on the tree even though the tree doesn't absorb its shades. The water rejoices while the land mourns the full light of day. The tree mourns what it used to be, what it dreamed it would be. But the sunset screams, "Look at my love! Look at my passion! It is toward you, a seemingly barren tree." The sunset is God.

I feel like that tree. Naked, lifeless, alone. My feelings and truth are certainly not one and the same, and I know the Lord is forever with me. A counselor mentioned to me once though, "You need to allow yourself to feel the way you feel, because God gives us feelings to help us heal." Or something like that. Well, gosh darn it, wouldn't you know? I think the lady actually knew a thing or two. Go figure. Because I want to yell at the top of my lungs over this crappy year, and the thought of doing it gives me release. Standing next to this tree and screaming out my frustrations would at least make me feel passionate about something again.

But I am 32. That's about right on time for a midlife crisis, eh? Some people need cars, houses, and other things, but apparently I need to stand next to this horrid tree and share a hypothetical drink or two. What. On. Earth.

Yet I see, hear, and feel God crying out to me, "I am here! Don't give up. Look at what my love has done. You are mine. Will you be my beloved again?" I want to be, He knows it's true. He puts the spotlight of His providence and salvation on me and works for His glory even though I can't fully reflect His beauty. My heart reaches for the life I once had, but I can't go back there. I'm not that person anymore. Growth through seasons is hard, and painful, and it makes even the strongest person question, "How much longer, Lord? How much longer must I endure?" I would do anything to feel alive again. I would do anything to revisit naivety again, to have the luxury of ignorance again.

I say all this not to offer a solution, but, rather, to offer hope. Because there is hope. The Christmas season displays that to us beautifully. So I cling to the knowledge of hope even when I don't feel it. And I will do my best to bask in His light when I feel absorbed by the darkness. Sorrow is real, but so is healing. I pray that not only I, but you and yours, will receive the healing you need right now. Until then I say, "I lift my eyes up to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." (Psalm 121:1-2) And while I succumb to so many feelings, the biggest feeling of all is that my Rescuer is racing toward me at lightning bolt speed. So, that's the one I'll cling to.

A Community Project

Last month I had the pleasure of attending a seminar hosted by Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship about the Adopt-a-School program. The seminar was incredibly informative and explained the connection between children who can't read by the fourth grade (due to poverty and language barriers) and future incarceration rates. In other words, projected prison growth is determined by how many kids can't read by the fourth grade.

Let that sink in for a few moments.

That means if your 10-year-old nephew, niece, neighbor, or child is struggling to read, he or she is exponentially less likely to graduate high school and much more likely to become incarcerated within the first year of dropping out of school. And, in Texas, 60% of public school children live in poverty , so there is a great number of at-risk children. It was emphasized throughout the seminar that the church must begin taking concrete, influential steps toward helping the public schools by providing additional support and prayerfully aiding the children and families around us. We must do what we can to support the teachers, administrators, and families represented in our local schools to deter the trend of high school dropouts, deteriorating families, and self-imploding communities. It's time for the church to truly be the church.

My church desires to have an increasing presence in our community schools through service, donations, and special projects. We have only begun this process, but we look forward to witnessing how the Lord will use us to further share his love with others. So, when we heard about a local middle school teacher who serves high-risk, high-poverty students with reading challenges, we began thinking and praying about how we could help. We decided to do a simple, Amazon shopping list for this gifted teacher who is overwhelmed by the needs of her students. If you would like to contribute to her classroom needs, please view the list below, choose the items you would like to purchase, and ship them my way (the items on the list should automatically ship to my address, but if not, please message me and I'll send you my address). Our aim was to make involvement as easy as possible! Here is the list:

Reading Teacher Gift List

The teacher we are helping has 110 students in grades 6th, 7th, and 8th. Class sizes range from 15-19 students, and every class contains students in different grade levels. The set up of the classes alone make her job challenging, let alone that many of the students are several grade levels behind. The students often come to school hungry and lack basic essentials such as toiletry items and weather-appropriate clothing. She personally shared with me that it seems she's "gone through 6,000 pencils" since the beginning of the school year! She is good at what she does, but I know when a teacher asks for help that he or she must REALLY need help. Can you help us bless her?

If possible, I'd like to have items shipped to me by Friday, November, 17th so I can prepare them during Thanksgiving Break. I realize that's not an incredible amount of time, so just let me know if you perceive a need to wait until ordering. The reading teacher is beyond excited and thankful for our participation, and I know as a community we can go much farther than I or even my church can do to provide for her students.

Thanks, friends! :)

The Beauty in the Mess

I've dreaded this post for weeks, but after some emotional sorting-out and the Lord's amazing work on my heart, it's time to address what happened with E.

First, let me say I never saw it coming. Children available for adoption always have trauma, but sometimes the trauma does crazy things to a child's behavior. This was such the case with E - it was like a switch flipped, so we were forced to remove her from our home and not finalize the adoption. We were assured of what God wanted us to do, but the emotional, physical, and spiritual heaviness in our house was unbearable. And the thought of not being able to help a child fully heal was devastating. I know this kind of thing happens, but I still don't know why it happened with her. And I may never know why...but I accept it.

Everything happened so fast that we were literally reeling through the battle. I couldn't eat, I barely slept, and the constant headaches and stomachaches quickly became the new norm. Carey had to literally make himself distant to cope with the situation. Our family was splitting in two and the more my husband drew away the more I pushed forward. I had to help this child. She had to make it in our family. We were going in opposite directions. That was until the day of acceptance arrived so clearly and the Lord had to lovingly point out that I made vows to Carey, not any of the kids. And I understood the message loud and clear: My marriage was not to be forfeited over my desperate need to not "fail."

And that can seem awfully hypocritical to someone who is outside of the situation. "Wait, aren't Christians supposed to unequivocally love others, especially those who need it?" Yes, that's what we were trying to do, and we don't regret bringing E to Texas. It has been amazing to see how God has worked through all of our lives, even in devastation. To see the beauty in the mess. The beauty was a  mother-in-law whose hospitality swooped in, a mother whose practical words brought me back into line with reality, a sister-in-law who dropped everything just to be with me, and a best friend who brought relief for my immense sorrow. The beauty was in the Spirit's prompting to "Rise up...[because he was] with me" as my body shook in anxiety and then became strengthened to physically deal with the logistics. But it became apparent, without a doubt, that we were not the ones meant to help E arrive to her final healing. We were only a piece of her journey. And I will confidently stand before God one day to account for the love I had for her. But it wasn't his will for her to be a permanent part of our family.

I often think of what I would say to her, knowing that she might one day read this post. I want her to know that I did love her. I want her to know that only Jesus can heal her, but she has to be open to the healing. I want her to know that I envisioned having her in my life forever. You were my daughter. But more importantly, you are God's daughter, and you need so much more than I could ever give you.

Today I finally forgave E. After ignoring the emotional responses to everything that has happened, I have been able to finally arrive and  "care" about what happened. I have been able to silence the logic long enough to live in the emotions. I have allowed my self to feel angry, disappointed, frustrated, ignored, alone, relieved, anxious, hurt, loved by the Savior, and held in his arms. And while I'm finally "caring" again, it will still be a process. I want this experience to grow even more compassion in my heart for those in need. And even though the Lord's compass is slowing now, it's still calibrating. So, I don't know where to go from here other than to love my family and friends more deeply, live with more joy, and be more assured than ever of God's love. I don't know what his next task for me will be, but I'm glad to hand him my broken dream to see how he resurrects it. All I know is it will bring the upmost beauty to the mess and I'm glad to have a front row seat!

Our adoption journey is now complete. We certainly lived with the expectation of a different result, but we can't argue with the peace that now floods our hearts. We pray our experience doesn't deter others from pursuing adoption, but that it will serve as a testament of God's ever-present love and omniscience. And while a recent onslaught of catastrophes seem to have enslaved our world, we voice that God's goodness doesn't fade away when unexplainable things occur. Rather, it morphs into a deep understanding that our souls are yearning for our salvation to be complete. Come, Lord Jesus, come!

Now joy seeps from the walls of our home and endless laughter can be heard again. And I am more protective of  my husband and boys because of a growing, fervent respect for God's provision. His perfect peace is restoring our faith and preparing us to move forward. And we will. Maybe not in the next few days or weeks, but soon the Lord will reveal his next assignment for our family. Until then, we will be imperfectly silly and wonderfully messy. Because, after all, each of us have beauty to offer from within the mess.

The Bible Matters Series

One of my favorite age groups to teach are preteens. Doesn't that seem crazy?! I love helping kids transition through their preteen years by teaching them to study the Bible more richly and maturely. Their impeccable ability to understand even hard Biblical truths is astounding. So, the first set of lessons I'm posting is for this age group (ages 10-14).

Please leave me some comments and suggestions! I'd love to have your feedback. Perhaps there is another series you'd like to see for preteens? Or an entirely different series you'd use for younger children? Give me a shout and we can talk. :)

A New Adventure!

For some time the Lord has given me the desire to share the resources he inspires me to write with other Christians. As a Children's Director, I've experienced how challenging it can be to find appropriate biblical lessons that don't break the bank! So I will be periodically posting new bible lessons for kids to be used privately at home, within a church, or within a Christian school setting. My hope is that parents, teachers, and church leaders will use the FREE resources I am providing to further God's Kingdom as we reach the lost for Christ.

*Lessons coming soon!*

Three Weeks and Counting

As Easter and Mother's Day approach, I am overwhelmed by how God has blessed our family! Without Christ's sacrifice we wouldn't even be where we are. And without the Lord's prompting, this sweet, amazing, and beautiful young woman wouldn't be in our family. As a Mom, my heart bursts with pride over the three children in our home AND the three baby girls we were blessed to foster. I feel like a Momma of six!!! Why the Lord chose us to live out this wonderful plan I will never know, but I am giddy in the midst of it all.

I heard a quote yesterday that went something like this: "God allows storms in our life so we can learn more about ourselves and more about Him." While I've always understood that God certainly teaches me about Him through every trial, I've never deeply considered what He may be teaching me about myself. It made me think about what I know to be true about my faith that I didn't know three years ago. First, my faith is real (oh, is it REAL)! Next, the Lord is always intimately close to me no matter what I am doing, and He cares about my thoughts, feelings, and sorrows. Depending on Him has given me a deep love for His holiness. Lastly, my faith will never come to a stopping point because He is constantly pruning my humanness so His love can blossom and pour out. Even as I write this post my heart is overflowing with gratitude for the compassion God has placed in my heart not only for my family but for everyone I meet. And that gift of compassion is a result of obedience, a result of struggle. A result of pain that challenged me to my core. A result of trusting God even when I didn't want to take the next step for fear of more heartache. Yet the Savior experienced everything I've experienced and exponentially MORE. What kept me going was knowing that Jesus knew my pain, and God always has a wonderful plan as demonstrated through the resurrection of His Son.

God always has a wonderful plan, and we can trust Him. 

Happy Easter, friends! 

Our First Few Days

Isn't she adorable?! Let me tell you - E is absolutely beautiful inside and out. :)

We traveled in the car for a couple of days before arriving at home in Texas. We enjoyed getting to know E a little bit more before being immersed into every day life. For example, we became aware that a child her age is very concerned about whether or not restaurants and gas stations have Wi-Fi (lol)! Because, priorities. E has an Ipad that was given to her by other caregivers, so Carey and I have had to educate ourselves a bit on some of the fun aps she likes to play. We are lucky that E was already used to having her Ipad only at scheduled times, so we haven't received any push-back about technology yet. We've already discussed with her that she won't have a phone anytime soon but that she can earn trust by being responsible on her Ipad. You know, typical stuff you'd be addressing with any kid her age.

And E does her own laundry. Can we please just take a minute and talk about how awesome this is?! THE ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD DOES HER OWN LAUNDRY! And she likes naps just like the rest of us and can fall asleep almost anywhere. Not to mention that sometimes the exact words I would say come out of her mouth. Poor girl already acts a lot like Momma Leah...haha!

Something that has amazed me about E is her confidence and independence. She seems to be very in tune with who she is, what she is capable of, and what she wants. I am very glad that she is comfortable in her own skin, and I pray that confidence continues to grow even through her teenage years. Also, this girl knows her clothing style and sticks with it - she doesn't have time for inappropriate necklines, short lengths, or other revealing clothing. And, as a Momma, can I just say HALLELUJAH and PRAISE the Lord Jesus for that?!

But the most incredible thing I've witnessed is her compassion toward other children, most specifically Joseph and Daniel. She enjoys building tents, chasing the boys around the house, and being outside with them. Even today, when Joseph was having a crying fit because he desperately needed a nap, E gave him a little stuffed monkey and said, "Here Joe. When you are sad, hold this little monkey and think of something happy!" And the little bugger finally went to sleep. Carey and I agree that she has a calming presence on our entire family.

Today we visited a private Christian school for E. We had previously visited it while considering Joe's kindergarten enrollment, and so we visited again to see what E thought about it. The school is quite small, but it is very in touch with technology and new learning techniques. The lessons and quizzes for E's grade level are all on a computer program and she can work at her own pace (which she seems very excited about). And while most of the classes aren't in the traditional teacher-in-front-of-the-room style, there are a few courses where she would still be learning with other children. We were impressed to see how the teachers simply moved from one child's desk to another and spent one-on-one time with them. But the most important thing to us is that every subject matter is presented through the lens of the gospel, so there is constant spiritual application no matter what is being learned. However, E is not too happy about the knee-length skirts and other uniform items, but I have a feeling she'll get somewhat used to it... ;)

Lastly, we were surprised by an unexpected blessing while reviewing E's documents - we found BABY PICTURES! I had just accepted the fact that we would never have a baby picture of her, and then God, once again, did the impossible. What an awesome God we serve!

We appreciate your continued prayers. God is definitely at work in our family and we are thankful for your support!

Our Girl

We met E for the first time last weekend, and it couldn't have gone better! She had some rough days before meeting us, so we were curious if she would respond well after everything that had unfolded. But, she handled it extremely well in my opinion.

E is spunky and quick-witted. She is also intelligent and deeply aware of her surroundings - she has good discernment when it comes to figuring people out (which we hope will work in our favor). E is organized, and she likes to know the detailed schedule of events. Her sense of humor closely matches ours, and she doesn't seem to mind trying new things. And, even though the boys didn't go on the visit with us, E seems excited and eager to be a big sister. She certainly doesn't mind sharing her opinions, and she even tested some natural boundaries during our time with her last weekend. And, as we drove her home on the last day, she questioned why she couldn't leave for Texas right away! It felt weird for us to leave her, but we know we have to follow the process and that she will be here very soon. We hope to bring her home within the next couple of weeks!

We were surprised this week with a few more requests from E's home state to complete our adoption packet. Thankfully, we were able to scramble and get things together, but it took a toll on my emotions. I'm done with procedures, paperwork, and jumping through hoops. God has lead us to our girl, so my patience is seriously lacking when it comes to "one more thing" that we need. E is waiting...and I don't want her to wait a second longer than necessary to come home. Would you pray that the Lord will keep me centered on His plan so I can stop worrying about things outside of my control?

Another need is for us to find the right professional team who will work well together for E's healing. We are struggling in this area since she has a very unique background, but we won't give up until we find the right people. We know that the first few months will be extremely important in setting a trustworthy foundation for E, so we need wisdom on this matter.

This week we will start setting up E's room! I have to admit that I've been giddy with excitement over preparing for a daughter. :) From nail polish, to hair accessories, to trendy colors and patterns, I'm already experiencing a different side of motherhood. But it's good. It's slightly uncomfortable, but it's good.

On another note, Carey and I will be celebrating our 7th anniversary this week! When I think of all the callings the Lord has already seen us through, I look forward with great anticipation for many more years of marriage to the best man in the world. He's my partner in crime and my earthly rock. He's gentle, loving, kind, sacrificial, and faithful. When the Lord calls us to do something, Carey doesn't cower, but stands up with confidence to say, "Yes." He's highly intelligent, but highly humble. He's caring and goofy. He never meets a stranger and he's wise beyond his years. I can't help but acknowledge that without his leadership throughout our marriage that many of our dreams would have never happened. Thank you, Lord, for this godly man! May we have 100 more years to serve God together.

And there's more to come! Thank you for joining us on our adoption journey.

Our First Visit

Well, our first visit with E has officially been scheduled! It's this weekend, March 3-6. Would you please pray for our girl? We want her to feel as comfortable as possible (considering the circumstances) and not get too anxious about the weekend. We will have games, coloring books, and other activities in tow for our time with her. Then, if all goes as tentatively scheduled, we will drive back two weeks later to pick her up and bring her home. For good.

And, I'm surprisingly not freaking out.

You see, there's a peace that comes with knowing you're smack dab in the middle of God's will. It's a peace that scoffs at "the impossible." It's a peace that enables us to graciously smile and share about our girl even when the listener's eyes are bugged out in fear. It's a peace that carries us through opposition, criticism, and anxiety. It's a peace that has grown our faith exponentially. And, it's a peace that assures my heart that I will in fact find a used desk at a reasonable price so our daughter can actually have furniture in her room. The peace handles the big things and the little things.

We have been overwhelmed by the blessings of friends, relatives, and church members in the last few weeks. From the wonderful response to our prayer project, to the announcement of our adoption reception on March 11 (message me if you would like the details), to God's abundant financial provision - all of it has encouraged our hearts and helped us move forward. We just can't believe what God is doing and we are thrilled to experience the miracle he is working out for E.

A few things to expect:

- We will be a bit reclusive over the next several months. The training we have received advises not adding any new commitments and even stepping back (momentarily) from "extras" so we can devote more time to bonding as a family. We are looking at a minimum of a full year to follow this wisdom!
- E is not to receive gifts without our knowledge. The only exception would be something from the Amazon wish-list we have put together for her (speak to me if you'd like to view it), but even those items need to be in place before she enters our home. She needs to be introduced to a realistic view of our family from the start in order to help her connect with us instead of material possessions.
- Carey and I need to supply E's needs whenever possible. This includes emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. We ask that no one try to hug her for the first month and be patient as we ease her into things. If she needs correction, we are the people to correct her. And if it seems like we are doing things in a weird way, please understand that we are being very intentional with our methods based on our training and research.
- E is not to get a "pass" at respect and accountability. The way we discipline her will look differently than what most people are used too, but she will be disciplined nonetheless. There will be a delicate balance between us respecting her past yet holding her accountable for her decisions.
- Once E is placed into our home, we would like everyone to simply refer to her as our daughter (not "adoptive" daughter) and call her by our last name (even though it won't be her legal name until the adoption is final). This will help establish her place in our family.
- Because of Texas law, we will wait 4-6 months before E's adoption can be finalized. So, the adoption will not occur immediately.

Thank you for your continued prayers! 

A Special Prayer Project

A few months ago I came across a custom puzzle idea on the internet that was just too cool, and we've decided to do a similar project for our adoption efforts!

We reached out to a wonderful lady named Chantel Dietz who is pretty darn good at designing things (in fact, I can't wait for her talent to REALLY catch wind). We gave her an idea for a puzzle design, and she worked her magic to create this unique design for our family:

Isn't it beautiful?! And you probably already guessed it, but we ordered this design as a custom puzzle for our home.

But we're not stopping there...

We ordered a second puzzle for YOU GUYS! That's right - we need committed, prayerful people to come alongside our family and "adopt" some puzzle pieces. And once you adopt a puzzle piece you are committing to pray for E's adoption at least one time a day for every piece you adopt. Then we will give you your adopted piece(s) with E's name written on the back. On the same piece(s) for our family puzzle, we will write YOUR name on the back. And when it's all said and done, your piece(s) will serve as reminders to pray for our sweet girl while our family puzzle will be completed and placed into a dual-sided picture frame. Then we will hang our picture frame somewhere in our house where both sides are seen: the design side to remind us of our heart for adoption and the back side (with your names on it) to remind us of everyone who is praying for E. This project is a wonderful representation of the commitment and sacrifice required of adoption, but it will also display the love of a Savior through the hearts of His servants.

We have seen prayer do the "impossible" in our lives, so we know God will answer. And I personally can't wait to see Him go immeasurably beyond what I could ever imagine for our family! So, are you willing to be a part of a eternal, difference-making adventure? If so, call/text/email and we'll be sure to save a special puzzle piece just for you! :)

New Year's Update!

First, I want to sincerely apologize for the silence of this blog! There has been a lot of back-and-forth logistics over the last few months, and I simply didn't feel comfortable posting until we knew for sure which path we were going to take. And now we know our path!

Over the last few months we been looking into adopting an 11-year-old girl through private, domestic adoption. (DISCLAIMER: While I would love to go into detail about her, I will reveal only what is absolutely necessary. There are several reasons for this position. First, she is 11-years-old and will be able to introduce herself once she joins our family, so we aren't going to stick our noses where they don't belong! This will be a pivotal way we start earning trust with her. Secondly, we have learned that sharing every piece of information isn't wise because it can be twisted and skewed to appease negativity. Lastly, we already view her as our daughter and won't broadcast her history to the world any more than we would broadcast our own.) After receiving specialized training, doing our homework, and attending an adoption conference, we feel God has lead us and equipped us to pursue E at this specific season in life.

About E: She likes sports and being independent. She especially enjoys being with younger children, so we looking forward to seeing her thrive as a big sister! She has dirty-blonde hair, brown eyes, and wears glasses. She does well in school and makes friends easily. We are looking forward to introducing her to all the wonderful people we know!

So, how did we get here? Well, as you all know, our experience as foster parents was challenging. There were huge blessings that resulted from the relationships we formed and the lessons we learned, but we are assured that God no longer wants us to be foster parents. After our last foster baby left us in August, we attempted four different times to adopt older girls through foster care in Texas. Unfortunately, our interest was never matched, so we weren't able to proceed. Also during this time, a friend pointed out our girl, E, and we began considering her as well. But we simply couldn't be very serious about E until we knew for sure that foster care was no longer our path. Now we understand that God had much for us to learn and experience as foster parents, but it simply wasn't the end result for our adoption efforts. And we are excited for this new journey with E!

As far as our progress goes, E's legal guardians have agreed to our adoption of her. This is HUGE, so now we will try to hurry and get our agency papers and necessary fees mailed in so she will only be available to us. Then we are supposed to have some Skype sessions and eventually a family visit with her (she lives in another state). So we are still very early, but it's exciting to be moving along! :) We are looking at having a finalized adoption within a couple months.

That all being said, we desperately need your prayers: for clarity, finances, protection, and wisdom. Our boys, extended family, and close friends are all thrilled about the soon-to-be addition to our family, but a lot still has to be done before then. We will be launching a special prayer project for E this week (fingers crossed) and start working on a wish-list of items we will need for her. There's also been talk of an adoption shower (similar to a baby shower) if there is enough time to plan it! Also, there will be a meal calendar available once we bring E home, so that will be another way to help. We appreciate everyone who has already asked about our needs, and we sincerely appreciate your loving interest.

Phew.

That's it for now, but stay tuned for more updates. Thanks, friends!