Is This Worth It?

It is with a heavy heart that I say Baby M will be placed with her extended relatives in a matter of weeks.

The good news is they sound like a wonderful, Christian family with lots of love and support. The bad news is Baby M won't be staying with us. But we are working that out in our own personal ways.

I have been asking myself a question many times over these last few challenging weeks: Is this worth it? The pain, disappointment, and heartache? The answer is YES. Unequivocally yes! But I am still torn between an angry, human reaction and a trusting, spiritual reaction. I know the Lord has a special plan for her, and she is still in his arms even if she's not in mine. And while that fact makes the situation easier, it still isn't "easy." This is rough.

I've never known a heartbreak of this magnitude, so a deep cut is forming in my heart. And Satan is determined to make this cut hurt so much that I'll never dare to love another needy child again. But, frankly, he's an idiot. My suffering on account of God's will is making me stronger and more reliant on Christ. One day my cut will be a scar - a scar earned on account of sacrificial love. And Jesus has those kinds of scars, too. His are much more meaningful than mine, but at least my scar will mirror those he received by dying on the cross. Christ understands my suffering, and it is my honor to suffer for his purposes. I will not stop giving deliberate love to children in need of families, because God never stopped giving love in his pursuit of adopting me.

Pastor recently asked this question during one of his sermons:

"Once we're in Heaven, will we wish we had done more to reach others on earth?"

My struggles have been put into perspective. If I left earth right now and had to look back on my life, I would be grateful that the threat of loss didn't stop me from loving a baby girl who had no one else to take care of her.

I believe with everything in me that we will have a continued relationship with Baby M. Please pray for our sweet girl, our family and friends, and her extended relatives as we seek to meet and come up with a more definite plan for her transition.

The Difference Between Two and Three

Pretend you are in first grade again. Now, when the teacher asks, “What’s the difference between three and two,” what is your answer? Do you think the answer is one? Well, you’re wrong. The answer is one million.

Look, I LOVE children. Their quirks, laughs, and goofiness – give it all to me. But when you are raising said children there is a huge difference between two dirt-attracting, bottomless stomachs and three. Let me explain.

We have three small children in our family: a four-year-old, a two-year-old, and a 7-month-old. Not that’s it’s any of your business, but yes, we planned it that way. And they are the greatest blessings and joys in our lives. However, I personally was not ready for the challenge of having three children. I thought, “Muah, I got two, so what’s one more? Me and Jesus got this.” Well, I’m here to tell you that most days I don’t “got this,” and Jesus be like, “Girl, you crazy, but I’m here with you!”

First, grocery shopping. Theoretically the four-year-old should be able to walk without trouble, right? Nope. Just don’t count on it. And we’re good for now with #2 sitting in the cart and #3 bumming off of mom in a sling, but how many more months can my shoulders take it? Or legs? Why must #2 kick my legs?

Forget about your workout. You’ll be so exhausted by the end of the day that you won’t get any gym time. Chasing children is your workout, and it will be a good one. If I had a dollar for every time someone said, “Girl, you’re looking good! What have you been doing?” I’d be able to afford a nanny. And then I’d be able to go workout. I used to be able to throw #1 and #2 in a double stroller and at least go running through the neighborhood, but unfortunately they don’t make strollers for a combined child weight of eighty pounds.

Standing is the new norm. I realized during our last Christmas program at church that for once, in eighteen years, I didn’t struggle to stand for over an hour. And it’s all because of the difference between three and two. Studies now tell us that standing is healthier anyway, so at least you’ll have that going for you.

You may be convinced that your children will never be in a daycare-type facility, but let me tell you I couldn’t get my oldest enrolled in Mother’s Day Out quick enough. It was 90% his benefit and 10% my benefit, but it still happened. Ok, you know that’s a lie - more like 50% his benefit and 100% my benefit. No, those numbers don’t add up, but since when are you taking my math skills seriously?

We now have three children who sleep through the night. That in itself is a miracle and all because of Jesus, but it also means we have some really full diapers each morning. Because they all wear different sizes. And because #1 and #2 require specific night-time diapers with their favorite characters on the front. So, get used to random boxes of diapers throughout the house at which your husband will ask, “Whose diapers are these?” And you will respond, “Whichever one is running around naked, duh.”

A peaceful night away will almost not be worth it. By the time you pack three bags for three children who randomly remove items from their bags without your knowledge, forcing you to constantly recheck each bag and chase down the guilty party, you’ll be tempted to just stay home. But then you’ll actually go out into the public without children only to be reminded that you’d much rather be annoyed by your own kids than other adults who talk too loudly at the restaurant or prop their stinky feet on the back of your seat as you try to watch a movie. You’ll turn to your lover and say, “We should have just stayed home and watched Netflix.”

But, all joking aside, I wouldn’t trade my crazy, hectic life for anything! I have never been happier in my life and continue to be amazed at how God’s plans are so much better than mine. He does know what he’s doing, even when my children have a three-way fight over a train. Never mind that we have a bucketful of Thomas and ALL his friends (literally) sitting in the corner, they want to fight over Toby. Seriously?! Whatever, I digress.

The short story is everyone should want to be me, because I have the best life on planet earth. I have a dear, servant husband who humbly provides in every way for my needs and the needs of our family. I have three incredibly adorable children who bring insurmountable joy to what would otherwise be a lackluster life. And, most importantly, I have a Savior who shows up every second of every day to whisper, “Leah, breathe. Let me fill your heart and mind during every moment of this day.” And it’s plainly obvious to everyone who knew the pre-children me that he is doing a wonderful work through my life. Because, let’s face it, the old Leah would have never tolerated this kind of tomfoolery. Yet my heart is softened a little more every day because God intentionally chose me to be the mommy of my children. What an honor, what a responsibility. I’ll do it willingly because the Lord has a wonderful plan and he lets me be a part of it.

And finding that kind of purpose is the difference between two and three.

Moving, Moving, Moving!

Well, Baby M's new nickname is "Rooter-Scooter!" In the last week, she has learned to crawl, pull-up, and get herself up on the brick hearth (a few inches off the ground). Folks, this game has stepped up a notch...

It is GLARINGLY obvious how much this little girl is like our youngest son - on the move, and hard to stop. She has an opinion  when she doesn't get her way (as evidenced by a very high-pitched, shrill scream), and flashes her smile or flirtatiously raises her eyebrows to bring you over to the Dark Side. And it works. Against all my strength, her whims work most of the time. This little girl has me pegged. On top of that, she's lost interest in her baby toys. Rooter-Scooter would much rather play with her brothers' cars, trains, and anything else with small pieces that can break off. Sigh. She sure is turning out to be a handful, but we still love her to death! ;)

As for M's case, we are waiting on the fourth relative's home study to be completed. This particular relative looks very promising, so time will tell if a move is on the horizon. But we honestly don't think there is. The evidences of God's order is so apparent through this whole situation, and even people outside of our family have noticed. We confidently claim her as a permanent part of our family even though the legalities are in process. Also, a positive aspect about all of this is M's hearing could be moved up a month upon the completion of the new home studies. If that happens, it could be sooner rather than later that we get to adopt her.

Please pray for God's will to be done through this new home study process and for our peace. The New Year holds several unknowns for our family, but we are waiting with hopeful expectation for God to prove, once again, that he is not bound by seemingly impossible circumstances.

In other news, it's ridiculous how cute they make baby girl dresses. Please, just stop. I have a Dragon Lady persona to keep up, and the dresses aren't helping.