Boy, Oh Boy, OH BOY!

So, this was me three months ago while Carey and I were on our anniversary trip to Hawaii:

We had the time of our lives! Everything about this trip was wonderful, from the food, to the beach- front massage, to being just plain ole' lazy. We soaked it up! And it's a good thing because almost immediately after we arrived home, we became aware of our new reality:

Yep, that's right - we were pregnant in Hawaii and didn't even know it yet! God was like, "Yeah, they're going to need a good vacation before they find out about Mr. Surprise." Lol! So, yes, God does have a sense of humor. We figured Baby #3 was a boy from the very beginning seeing how both sides of the family are heavy with boys (roughly 80%). Today we confirmed that he is indeed another sweet boy! And, so, now I gush.

The sonographer was tickled because it seemed that little Zeke ("God strengthens") Gray (my maiden name) Pittsinger was attempting to do alligator rolls in my stomach. Sounds about right. Initially he was resting nicely with one arm behind his head and the other hand was in a fist in front of his face as if saying, "I'm coming for you, brothers!" (This dude fits the bill, folks.) Then he started moving around like crazy!

Mr. Zeke has his lovely little head and hands in my right side and his legs are pushing straight down on nothing else than MY BLADDER (thanks, guy). The sonographer said it was interesting that his legs were straight out because usually babies at his gestation are still curled up a bit. Well, doesn't surprise me at all that he is taking up all the room he can, ha! He seems like a smart little guy who seizes the opportunities he's given, lol. And wouldn't you know that he's measuring perfectly?! I mean, after having two kids that always measured big I almost don't know what to do with myself with that information.

Being pregnant a third time is surreal. I feel like I have a much better appreciation for being able to bear children this time around. We have many friends who either can't carry their own children or always wanted more children and it just didn't work out. Being pregnant is not something I take for granted! What a blessing to be able to carry another little life. This little guy is going to be awesome, and I just can't believe God gave him to us.

I have been able to change some things this time around (to God be the glory). I started out much healthier and active than ever, so thankfully I've been able to keep exercising. (Hey, I may be slower and start waddling soon, but this preggo will get a work out in.) Also, I'm not nearly as hungry as I was with the first two, so it's nice to be able to sleep without getting up to eat in the middle of the night. However, my biggest side affect still seems to be weight gain no matter what I do. Guess my body just likes to be fat and happy when I'm pregnant. I can live with that! ;)

So, there you have it. Our little turkey baby (literally) is due in mid-November, and we plan on picking his birthday, going in for surgery, and having the easiest childbirth experience to date (Lord willing). After laboring for days, having two previous "failure to progress" births, and STILL having surgery for both, we aren't messing around this time. I gotta admit the "Momma shame" that's out there about natural childbirth and stuff really hit me hard this time, but God's helped me work it out. Our goal is to have another healthy, happy boy, so surgery is our choice.

I hope you enjoyed a more "'light-hearted" post! They don't come very often, do they? Lol Well, this life is nothing but surprising. Thank you for sharing it with us! :)

I Have Seen the Lord

My husband, Carey, and I often have discussions about the trials the Lord has brought us through over the last several years. And the reoccurring theme is this: We now have deeper, more meaningful, and intimate relationships to the Savior because of the trials we have faced. Our marriage, too, has grown stronger as we've trusted Jesus to lead us, together, through these challenges.

Because of this, I can only exclaim, "I have seen the Lord!"

John 20 gives the account of  Mary Magdalene visiting Jesus' tomb and weeping when she discovers his body is missing. Everything she had experienced - the life, ministry, and unfair death of Jesus - lead to sorrow-filled sobs of defeat. That was, until he came to her at the deepest time of her despair. He looked her in the eyes and said her name. And, so, the best realization, the truest realization, the most important realization became clear: Jesus was the victor over death. Nothing Mary had faced or would ever face could keep him from her.

I see myself in this story. I can envision myself staring at the empty tomb and asking, "What was it all for?" I've dropped to the ground with uncontrollable grief and then heard his voice. I've sobbed, and grappled, and longed for peace only for Jesus to place himself right in front of me. And in the most recent time when I cried out for help, when I admitted I couldn't move in the right direction on my own, he reminded me that I could move, that I WOULD move, because of his strength. All I had to do was put one trusting foot in front of the other like the many times before. Nothing I could ever face will keep Jesus from me, because death couldn't even keep him in the grave. He is, and always will be, the Victor.

I have seen the Lord!

He dares to approach me with compassion when others only approach with selfish judgment. He pushes me forward as others try to drag me down. He shows me the lies and manipulations that people think they are expertly hiding. He mercifully reveals the truth of my own sinful heart to teach me to be empathetic to others' shortcomings while also drawing me closer to him. He shows me what will lead to spiritual growth and what will not. He releases me from the burdens of people-pleasing, perfection, and performance. And the very trials I try to escape prove time and again to show me a new facet of Jesus that I didn't know before.

Without trials I would still be a naïve, petty, and legalistic Pharisee. I would be wallowing in slop while believing it to be a feast. I would be settling for what is familiar instead of standing up to the fear of the unknown. I would let others define my importance, my intelligence, my worth. But I'm not that Mary anymore. I have seen the Lord!

And I invite you to truly see the Lord in whatever you are facing. He is there if we will only recognize him.

God of the Outcasts

“Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’” Isaiah 30:21

I’ve always known that God is the God of the outcasts. I’ve just never thought of myself as one until now.

Lately I've been greatly burdened for truth and the discovery of genuine spiritual freedom. A burden for who Jesus says He is instead of who religion says He is. I've banged my spiritual fist on the table, I've tipped over a boat or two. And, according to the Lord's perfect will, I pray He continues to use me as a fist-banger for the rest of my life. I'm fed up.

I don’t want your religion anymore, and neither do the lost. We want Jesus.

I’ve been willing to give it all and then scavenge for more. And others around me are willing, too. But it’s not popular to truly trust God for who He says He is. Or to trust who He has been in the past and who He says He will be in the future. Religion-based Christians act like He isn’t enough. I say you can take your religion and bury it in the sand, because it has done no good in recent days. [Bangs fists on a table.]

Oh, this fire in my veins!

All the training, all the setbacks, all the sorrow will not be in vain. I am in a full sprint and chasing after what God wants to do in the hearts of the lost through my generation. Enough already about a “marathon.” We need to cover serious ground NOW. Pick. Up. The. Pace. We give ourselves limitations, but God has given us freedom. We are free to race to Him and we are free to say “NO!” to anything or anyone who conflict with His word. And I’m yelling it: “NO!” [Bangs fists on a table.]

This fire won’t be extinguished.

THIS is the generation. WE and OUR CHILDREN will be the difference. We are free to serve and free to use our gifts according to God’s word. We are free to refuse any standard or tradition that stands in the way. We are free to take charge of the Love-Like-Jesus movement. We are free to demand a change, and hold to nothing other than the righteous hand of Jesus. We are free to pick a fight with evil because we are armed with the blood of Jesus and not afraid to use real love. I dare anyone to try and stop us. [Bangs fists on a table.]

Whether you don’t know Jesus yet or are a believer who feels trapped by “spiritual” conditions that some other Christian has slapped on you, I would love to tell you more about the freedom I’ve found in Jesus. He broke the heavy, burdensome chains that bound me, and He can break yours too.

To the Pharisees: You are no longer hidden from my sight. I see your sheep's clothing and your wicked hearts. Jesus wanted no part with you, and neither do I. I'd rather sit at a table with drunkards, adulterers, thieves, and gluttons than sit at your table and choke on the tradition you've been claiming as spiritual food. You deceive, connive, and manipulate to get your way. You scheme to stay in control, to stay comfortable. And you trick weaker minds to follow your pathway to death. Well, because of the Lord's grace, I have risen above you. You are the ones who have attempted to limit my faith and spiritual gifts, and by doing so, you have only made me stronger. I am no longer your friend, and I will implore the people around me to break free from your spell so they too can experience who Jesus really is. If you're angry because of these words, then repent. Forgiveness is yours for the taking, and I know because I used to be one of you.

To the outcasts: Stand with me. We are strong, and we are free. The binds are breaking, and Christ is propelling us toward him. We aren't afraid of moving forward because we have nothing to lose. We're rebels with a cause who demand truth and sacrifice. And we are not alone. We will win this fight.

Signed,

An Outcast

Sappy Vulnerability

It probably doesn't surprise anyone that I'm not the "sappy" type, but tonight something happened I feel I should share. Because so many people, I know, can relate. And it all has to do with this scene I captured on my IPhone:

What do you see?

I see an ugly, bare, tree with roots that start in a dry place but, apparently, have somehow reached enough water to stay alive. It peers toward a vast, fertile landscape of life and longs for leaves again. Its branches are crooked and unappealing. In fact, it hardly has the "typical" shape of a tree at all. It is alone yet hopeful for the evidence of life that will reappear in time. The tree lacks joy and its passions have drained. The tree is me.

Then I see a sunset of extravagant colors. The hues bounce off the water and reflect in every direction, even in the darkness. The rays of light seem focused on the tree even though the tree doesn't absorb its shades. The water rejoices while the land mourns the full light of day. The tree mourns what it used to be, what it dreamed it would be. But the sunset screams, "Look at my love! Look at my passion! It is toward you, a seemingly barren tree." The sunset is God.

I feel like that tree. Naked, lifeless, alone. My feelings and truth are certainly not one and the same, and I know the Lord is forever with me. A counselor mentioned to me once though, "You need to allow yourself to feel the way you feel, because God gives us feelings to help us heal." Or something like that. Well, gosh darn it, wouldn't you know? I think the lady actually knew a thing or two. Go figure. Because I want to yell at the top of my lungs over this crappy year, and the thought of doing it gives me release. Standing next to this tree and screaming out my frustrations would at least make me feel passionate about something again.

But I am 32. That's about right on time for a midlife crisis, eh? Some people need cars, houses, and other things, but apparently I need to stand next to this horrid tree and share a hypothetical drink or two. What. On. Earth.

Yet I see, hear, and feel God crying out to me, "I am here! Don't give up. Look at what my love has done. You are mine. Will you be my beloved again?" I want to be, He knows it's true. He puts the spotlight of His providence and salvation on me and works for His glory even though I can't fully reflect His beauty. My heart reaches for the life I once had, but I can't go back there. I'm not that person anymore. Growth through seasons is hard, and painful, and it makes even the strongest person question, "How much longer, Lord? How much longer must I endure?" I would do anything to feel alive again. I would do anything to revisit naivety again, to have the luxury of ignorance again.

I say all this not to offer a solution, but, rather, to offer hope. Because there is hope. The Christmas season displays that to us beautifully. So I cling to the knowledge of hope even when I don't feel it. And I will do my best to bask in His light when I feel absorbed by the darkness. Sorrow is real, but so is healing. I pray that not only I, but you and yours, will receive the healing you need right now. Until then I say, "I lift my eyes up to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." (Psalm 121:1-2) And while I succumb to so many feelings, the biggest feeling of all is that my Rescuer is racing toward me at lightning bolt speed. So, that's the one I'll cling to.

A Community Project

Last month I had the pleasure of attending a seminar hosted by Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship about the Adopt-a-School program. The seminar was incredibly informative and explained the connection between children who can't read by the fourth grade (due to poverty and language barriers) and future incarceration rates. In other words, projected prison growth is determined by how many kids can't read by the fourth grade.

Let that sink in for a few moments.

That means if your 10-year-old nephew, niece, neighbor, or child is struggling to read, he or she is exponentially less likely to graduate high school and much more likely to become incarcerated within the first year of dropping out of school. And, in Texas, 60% of public school children live in poverty , so there is a great number of at-risk children. It was emphasized throughout the seminar that the church must begin taking concrete, influential steps toward helping the public schools by providing additional support and prayerfully aiding the children and families around us. We must do what we can to support the teachers, administrators, and families represented in our local schools to deter the trend of high school dropouts, deteriorating families, and self-imploding communities. It's time for the church to truly be the church.

My church desires to have an increasing presence in our community schools through service, donations, and special projects. We have only begun this process, but we look forward to witnessing how the Lord will use us to further share his love with others. So, when we heard about a local middle school teacher who serves high-risk, high-poverty students with reading challenges, we began thinking and praying about how we could help. We decided to do a simple, Amazon shopping list for this gifted teacher who is overwhelmed by the needs of her students. If you would like to contribute to her classroom needs, please view the list below, choose the items you would like to purchase, and ship them my way (the items on the list should automatically ship to my address, but if not, please message me and I'll send you my address). Our aim was to make involvement as easy as possible! Here is the list:

Reading Teacher Gift List

The teacher we are helping has 110 students in grades 6th, 7th, and 8th. Class sizes range from 15-19 students, and every class contains students in different grade levels. The set up of the classes alone make her job challenging, let alone that many of the students are several grade levels behind. The students often come to school hungry and lack basic essentials such as toiletry items and weather-appropriate clothing. She personally shared with me that it seems she's "gone through 6,000 pencils" since the beginning of the school year! She is good at what she does, but I know when a teacher asks for help that he or she must REALLY need help. Can you help us bless her?

If possible, I'd like to have items shipped to me by Friday, November, 17th so I can prepare them during Thanksgiving Break. I realize that's not an incredible amount of time, so just let me know if you perceive a need to wait until ordering. The reading teacher is beyond excited and thankful for our participation, and I know as a community we can go much farther than I or even my church can do to provide for her students.

Thanks, friends! :)

The Beauty in the Mess

I've dreaded this post for weeks, but after some emotional sorting-out and the Lord's amazing work on my heart, it's time to address what happened with E.

First, let me say I never saw it coming. Children available for adoption always have trauma, but sometimes the trauma does crazy things to a child's behavior. This was such the case with E - it was like a switch flipped, so we were forced to remove her from our home and not finalize the adoption. We were assured of what God wanted us to do, but the emotional, physical, and spiritual heaviness in our house was unbearable. And the thought of not being able to help a child fully heal was devastating. I know this kind of thing happens, but I still don't know why it happened with her. And I may never know why...but I accept it.

Everything happened so fast that we were literally reeling through the battle. I couldn't eat, I barely slept, and the constant headaches and stomachaches quickly became the new norm. Carey had to literally make himself distant to cope with the situation. Our family was splitting in two and the more my husband drew away the more I pushed forward. I had to help this child. She had to make it in our family. We were going in opposite directions. That was until the day of acceptance arrived so clearly and the Lord had to lovingly point out that I made vows to Carey, not any of the kids. And I understood the message loud and clear: My marriage was not to be forfeited over my desperate need to not "fail."

And that can seem awfully hypocritical to someone who is outside of the situation. "Wait, aren't Christians supposed to unequivocally love others, especially those who need it?" Yes, that's what we were trying to do, and we don't regret bringing E to Texas. It has been amazing to see how God has worked through all of our lives, even in devastation. To see the beauty in the mess. The beauty was a  mother-in-law whose hospitality swooped in, a mother whose practical words brought me back into line with reality, a sister-in-law who dropped everything just to be with me, and a best friend who brought relief for my immense sorrow. The beauty was in the Spirit's prompting to "Rise up...[because he was] with me" as my body shook in anxiety and then became strengthened to physically deal with the logistics. But it became apparent, without a doubt, that we were not the ones meant to help E arrive to her final healing. We were only a piece of her journey. And I will confidently stand before God one day to account for the love I had for her. But it wasn't his will for her to be a permanent part of our family.

I often think of what I would say to her, knowing that she might one day read this post. I want her to know that I did love her. I want her to know that only Jesus can heal her, but she has to be open to the healing. I want her to know that I envisioned having her in my life forever. You were my daughter. But more importantly, you are God's daughter, and you need so much more than I could ever give you.

Today I finally forgave E. After ignoring the emotional responses to everything that has happened, I have been able to finally arrive and  "care" about what happened. I have been able to silence the logic long enough to live in the emotions. I have allowed my self to feel angry, disappointed, frustrated, ignored, alone, relieved, anxious, hurt, loved by the Savior, and held in his arms. And while I'm finally "caring" again, it will still be a process. I want this experience to grow even more compassion in my heart for those in need. And even though the Lord's compass is slowing now, it's still calibrating. So, I don't know where to go from here other than to love my family and friends more deeply, live with more joy, and be more assured than ever of God's love. I don't know what his next task for me will be, but I'm glad to hand him my broken dream to see how he resurrects it. All I know is it will bring the upmost beauty to the mess and I'm glad to have a front row seat!

Our adoption journey is now complete. We certainly lived with the expectation of a different result, but we can't argue with the peace that now floods our hearts. We pray our experience doesn't deter others from pursuing adoption, but that it will serve as a testament of God's ever-present love and omniscience. And while a recent onslaught of catastrophes seem to have enslaved our world, we voice that God's goodness doesn't fade away when unexplainable things occur. Rather, it morphs into a deep understanding that our souls are yearning for our salvation to be complete. Come, Lord Jesus, come!

Now joy seeps from the walls of our home and endless laughter can be heard again. And I am more protective of  my husband and boys because of a growing, fervent respect for God's provision. His perfect peace is restoring our faith and preparing us to move forward. And we will. Maybe not in the next few days or weeks, but soon the Lord will reveal his next assignment for our family. Until then, we will be imperfectly silly and wonderfully messy. Because, after all, each of us have beauty to offer from within the mess.

The Bible Matters Series

One of my favorite age groups to teach are preteens. Doesn't that seem crazy?! I love helping kids transition through their preteen years by teaching them to study the Bible more richly and maturely. Their impeccable ability to understand even hard Biblical truths is astounding. So, the first set of lessons I'm posting is for this age group (ages 10-14).

Please leave me some comments and suggestions! I'd love to have your feedback. Perhaps there is another series you'd like to see for preteens? Or an entirely different series you'd use for younger children? Give me a shout and we can talk. :)