It
has now been three weeks without M in our home. And it seems more like three
years.
Our
oldest son has stopped asking about her, but now he asks when we will “help
more babies.” And while I smile at his tender heart as I tell him
it will be a little while longer, a part of me wants to scream, “Never again!!!
I can’t do this again!” Sinful and selfish Leah wants to self-destruct by
curling up in a ball and refusing to step into the light of day again. But
Christ’s love compels me to look forward, not dwell in past circumstances that
Satan is trying to use to render my faith inactive. “Remember how much she loved you? God took her away from you,” the
enemy whispers in the silence of the night as I try to sleep. “She is so innocent and beautiful, but God
doesn’t care. He doesn’t love her, and he doesn’t love you,” he continues.
The boldness of Satan’s schemes increases my righteous anger and motivates me
to fight even harder. Every morning when my feet hit the ground I know my God
is in control even though I may feel inadequate to face another day of grief.
But he is always with me, and the spiritual pillar of strength he has given me
is holding me up. How on earth do people face trials without knowing the Lord?
Perhaps that is why there is so much sadness in this world.
But
one thing is for sure – my grief is not an excuse to stop serving, to stop
loving, to stop trusting. We are told in scripture that if we truly belong to
Christ then we will suffer as he suffered. I think about how he willingly gave
up his rights on account of love. And while we’ve “lost” Baby M, we can never
lose Christ. Jesus’ sacrifice isn’t automatically applied to all sin – we each
must make the personal decision to follow him by admitting we are sinners and
trusting that he was the son of God. He is the only way to heaven, and I invite
anyone who has questions about salvation to speak to me. Because without
Christ, life isn’t worth living. And without Christ, what is lost can’t be
redeemed.
The judge said something interesting to us
three weeks ago. He said, “You mention in your statement that M won’t remember
you, but I’m here to tell you that she will. She may not remember your faces,
but she will remember your loving influence.” Since then the judge has also
personally recommended us to care for another newborn, and the Lord has
revealed just how much our presence impacted him. One thing is for sure – I
will never again miss a hearing for our future foster babies because testifying
before those in power is one of the greatest privileges I have as a believer.
God expects all of us to use the platform he’s given us, even if we think our
position(s) are insignificant or not as vital to the kingdom of God. Dear
friend, you too have a voice, and I beg you to use it!
Among
our grief we have experienced miracles. Many of you know that we were searching
for a new home, and after much frustration the Lord provided the perfect place
for us! Our new home sat for two weeks without a single offer (which is unheard
of in this housing market), and now we know it was because the Lord was holding
it for us. One of our new neighbors even told us she specifically prayed for
the family who would buy our home. And I am overwhelmed at God’s work behind
the scenes and in the midst of our grief. His display of radical love continues
to pour out without inhibition. May my love do the same.
I
tell the Lord that I could never love another foster baby the way I love M, and
he says that’s okay because he doesn’t expect me to replace my love for her
with the love for another child. Instead, God is stretching my heart to make
more room for love. You see, I view love entirely different now – it’s not that
my heart can only hold so much love, but that my heart must be continually open
to love. The Lord is constructing new places in my heart that he wants to fill.
And I understand that love without sacrifice isn’t love at all. So, may I
sacrifice every day for my Jesus, family, and those I come in contact with on
account of love even though it’s painful, messy, and uncomfortable.
Who
is God telling you to love? Love them with abandon. Could it cause grief? Absolutely. But wouldn't we rather err on the side of love than on fear?
