It's been awhile since I've written, but we have had mission trip, babysitting, and general life planning GALORE! Miss M is now three months old, and she's full of smiles, giggles, and smirks. She is also sleeping through the night (!) and quickly demanding more milk at her feedings. We are so grateful for our time with her!
M's case worker went to court today and the judge decided to keep her in our home for at least another few months. While that is certainly good news for the present, we are still hanging on the edge for her permanency. The case worker let me know that a relative is now requesting custody and others could pop up as well. SO, a relative, a friend of the family, and then us. But we have her for now! We have her for now...
We knew this was all part of it - the agonizing waiting and potential heartbreak. I don't want to be selfish, but I am. All this baby girl knows is life with us, so I selfishly want to tell everyone else, "Over my dead body." But that's not what God wants. God wants us to trust him with the outcome and live through his strength every day no matter what happens, so that is what we strive to do. We take comfort in the fact that the Lord loves M more than we ever could. And it is possible for her to know him by living with someone else, but I don't want to admit it. All my "but Lord," pleas receive, "Where were you when I formed the earth?" replies. So we breathe, kiss sweet M, cuddle with her a little longer than we should because we never know which day will be our last to hold her.
Our attempt at adoption has encouraged me to take the same approach with our boys. Endless hugs, kisses, and "I love you"s, are in our home because the truth is we aren't promised another day even with our biological children. If you have children, no matter the age, remember the fragility to which they came into the world and respect the same fragility that will one day take them out of the world. I've known many parents who had to say goodbye too soon to their precious children, so I want to make sure my kids know, without any room for doubt, that they are loved.
But it's hard to be loving when you're the opposite of perfect. I yell at Joe when he asks the same question for the millionth time in one hour. I growl in frustration at Dan when he scales yet another piece of furniture. I roll my eyes when the baby wants to be held a little longer. I scream in my head while changing the tenth poopy diaper in one day and secretly envy the people who get to go to work and enjoy adult conversation. And if I have to watch "Bob the Builder" more than once a day I will become unrecognizable (seriously, that show is intolerable)! I become filled with rage when people at the grocery store give me a horrified look for daring to take three small children out in public, even when they are behaving. I want to throw objects at the TV when people try to get a "No kids on flights" petition moving. I hold myself back from screaming at others, "You think YOU'RE tired?!" I could keep going...
Among the incredible struggle there is an even more incredible peace through this calling. There is overwhelming joy, that I never knew was possible, in this calling. I feel the Lord closer to me than ever before because I am at my wits end more than ever before. There is beauty in being weak, tired, and frustrated because my perfect Savior is on his throne. He is everything I need, and he proves it to me every moment of every day.
And at the end of the day I know what we're doing matters. The sacrifices, the early nights (we are in bed by 8:45pm out of pure exhaustion), and endless laundry doesn't matter in the long run, but our family matters! It's great to know that I'm apart of something that matters - raising these kids to first have a relationship with Christ and then enabling and helping them to fulfill God's will for their lives. The future generation of Christ-followers are at our ankles looking up, and I can't think of anything else that matters more on earth.
Meanwhile, Baby M and I are going on a shopping spree tomorrow! Girlfriend and I are going to celebrate her being with us a little longer by getting some new clothes.
Thank you for your continued prayers, friends! :)
With love,
Leah
